So worried about ds.

[Stressey]

DS is 16 years old (year 12 at college) and is giving me so much worry. He is smoking weed all the time and He is skipping college. I am not giving him money but he gradually selling off any nice clothes on depop. He has asked me if I will buy him a ticket for an under 18 event in a city 25 miles away. I have said no as it is £25 plus travel expenses and I’m not keen him going especially as he is making some pretty stupid choices right now. He said he will borrow the money from a friend and is going. He will stay at a girls house that he knows but I don’t. I can’t stop him can I? I’m worried about his safety as I know one if his friend has tried ecstasy. Do I accept at my sons age that there is nothing I can do if he won’t listen when I say he can’t go?

You have a lot of power here but it sounds like you're not using it. If he is selling off clothes to buy drugs, take all of his clothes except for one set. If he is insisting on doing something you don't want him to do, take his phone, electronics, and any other luxuries. Serve him the most basic food until he improves his attitude.

It is a big deal that he is a regular weed user (it's very bad for the young brain) and is hanging out with people who use ecstasy. You need to take this seriously instead of throwing up your hands and acting like you're helpless.

Be very careful before you leave him without money, he will get into debt with the wrong people.

Sorry I think the advice above is inflammatory and will just lead to greater rebellion. You can't take someone's clothes ffs.

I don't think you can stop him making mistakes, no. Just keep talking about your concerns. And get the address/contact details of where he plans to stay on the night out.

No, you can’t stop him. But what you do is, when he is in a more receptive mood, express your concerns. You need to practice what you are going to say as you need to get it in as few words as possible, condense it down

If I took my teenagers clothes and phone away he would leave and stay with someone else. No way would it make him toe the line, he would explode

This is terrible advice and will lead to your son running away from home.

I would say l would be happy to give you the money when you make better decisions. When you show me your mature enough to apply for a weekend job and earn your own money and make healthier choices so l don't worry.
The advice about taking all electronics away is not relevant to a 16 year old and will only add to the problems. This will only cause further alienation.

Thanks all for the replies. I did wonder when read the first reply whether I am being too soft but I think by trying to remove things will just drive him away further away. I don’t think I have any power. I thought because we have always had a good relationship until recently he would respect my decisions and advice but he just won’t listen.

If he’s been brought up right, and it sounds like he has, he knows what’s right and wrong, but he’s just having a wobble. Stay available to him, don’t push him away, say the right things at the right times.
He will come back round, he just needs time.

It's called parenting.

This .....

Most kids take drugs...
It's not the big deal you think it is as a parent it's only when drugs are out of control its an issue.

Stoners are less likely to get into trouble, fights etc so it's safer than alcohol

Ecstasy just makes you see the good in people and is being used in mental health trials currently. Its only dangerous if he takes too many

Teenagers experiment.

. I smoked weed as a teenager. Haven't touched it for decades the uk is behind in so many ways. It's legal in the country I live in as it's deemed not to present a qualified risk.

All his friends will be smoking it. That's why he's selling clothes to pay.

Can you get him to get a job to pay for his expenses ?

Not great parenting. Don't be surprised if your kids rebel against and go NC with a parent who is uber strict.

So many British parents have that attitude. It's selfish. If you'd rather stand back and do zero while your kid fries his brain with drugs so that he is happy with you, then I feel sorry for your kid.

There aren't just two choices though

Ask him what he plans on selling when his nice clothes are all sold. I was addicted to smoking weed for 10 years but I worked to fund my habit. He needs to get a job first and foremost, and if he doesn't then you need to start removing his privileges. Otherwise he will spiral into a dependant teenager with no prospects.

You're not powerless. Your power is the fact he needs you financially and to keep a roof over his head. Which friend (and their parents)?would be okay with him permanently moving into their home? Unlikely. You need to have a serious conversation and set out some very clear terms.

What you suggested isnt parenting, it’s more like jailing him! At this stage you need to fight the fire, not throw petrol on it!
OP - does he have a dad/father figure or another adult that he trusts?

It's removing the tools he is using to hurt himself.

I would pay for the event and drive him there and pick him up - that being the condition he can go.

Contact the college re his absences, he might be worried by the prospect of loosing his college place, he might also be relieved and perhaps look together at alternatives like apprenticeships if he isn't happy. The college will likely have a careers team who could support with this or looking at his CV - getting a part time job would help his independence, time keeping and having more money.

Lots of young people try cannabis and it doesn't become problematic or a long term solution for them. However especially where there is mental health worries, family discord or other stresses it can be in my opinion quite a dangerous substance.

Look up the local young persons substance misuse service. I would suggest it as a place to talk in confidence (ie not to you) about his drug use and to ensure he is making informed decisions for himself as opposed to saying it will help him to stop.

Sounds a bit like my son. Has something gone wrong with this generation of boys?

You're too soft, you're too hard, you can't win.

I agree about not leaving him in debt to the wrong people. I would agree to him going and buy the ticket providing he is going into college. That could stop the cycle of missed days and get him on a more even keel. Once they start missing days it can be a 'cant do' self fulfilling prophesy. The missed days mean missed parts of the course, they see others doing better, tutors and parents put a bit of pressure on so they leave, which makes them lose even more self esteem. Try the transactional approach regarding college. If that's not a goer insist on some other transaction. For example providing you hoover the house agree a curfew a couple of nights a week maybe. Nothing they won't do ... will 'fail' at. Yes I know they should do these things anyway but if he clearly isn't you need to find ways to gradually turn it around. Do things for him but start making the things he wants, like lifts ext transactual. A friend had ds similar and was getting really entitled with her regarding lifts, money ext.When it came to lifts ext she started saying yes if you empty the dishwasher and put a washload on. Definitely made him more civil with her. He appreciated her more than when he was able to just demand her taxi services. Won't solve college or weed problems overnight but it keeps the door open to better communication. They still have rows but they talk more on lifts ext. This age is really hard. Head on clashes sends them straight into thinking their mates ...whether good influences or not ...or the only people they want to hang around with. 💐