Teen loves grandparent and not me

[Feellikegivingup81]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post.

just like my name, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

I have 2 dd's. Was very ill (mental health/addiction) about 8-9 years ago and eldest daughter, 14, went to like with my mother. Youngest DD (6) is with me and DH.

There is no reason for her not to come home, but she is very very close to my mother and basically doesn't like me very much, so doesn't want to, which I've accepted.

I feel terrible for not being that well when she was little, it must've had an huge impact. My mother is often reminding me how damaging this must've been. I wish I could turn back the clock.

Eldest DD is doing really well at school, lovely group of friends, but I worry about her emotionally as she can be quite withdrawn. This may be a result of what happened. We have had an assessment with children's social care, but despite my mother citing trauma, they said they weren't overly concerned as she is doing so well and seems in a good place mentally, essentially they didn't really detect any trauma.

Theres nothing I can do to get my eldest baby home, but I do worry about her with my mother as I found my own childhood quite damaging. I'm not blaming my mother for my mistakes, but I do worry.
My eldest daughter thinks the sun shines out of her, which I get - she provided much needed stability which was so important. But now she won't give my daughter back.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. However, it doesn't seem to be a case of your mum not giving your daughter back, but that your daughter has chosen not to come back. And she seems to be of an age where that's absolutely her choice to make.
I think you stand a better chance of rebuilding your relationship in small steps than in trying to force her to return.

Your child is not an object to be given back. You have done incredibly well to beat the addiction but whatever damage was caused is still there. Just because you didn’t mean it/were under the influence/wish it hadn’t happened it will have had an effect.

Your daughter seems to have done well, has a good group of friends. All you can do is try to improve the relationship you have with her. Have one on one time, find out about her life, do things she likes to do with her. Don’t mention her coming ‘home’ because for her she is home. Would she go to counselling with you?

I get that Onlyone and that's certainly the case now, you're right.
There had been a fair bit of parental alienation, especially in the early days, so it's been a real struggle for the last few years. All my contact has been disregarded so Ive had to find ways of bringing this up and challenging it without being perceived as 'difficult' which just feeds into their narrative.

It feels like it's almost too late. I don't know what else to try to build the relationship.
I've been loving and supportive and very attentive, but then my DD walks over me - constantly asking me for money and being quite rude, but I guess a lot of that is her age so not judging and I don't think badly of her for that, just think it's not necessarily a helpful way for me to be for anyone!!
Then I've tried getting on with my own life but still be here for her, but then I feel like there is a big void between us.
I guess it's time to accept she's likely to not coming back, giving she hasn't wanted to up till now and make the best of it.

You say you found your own childhood quite damaging with your mum...

In the kindest possible way, your daughter had a damaging childhood with you.

I appreciate the work that has gone into getting better, but your daughter has chosen to stay with your mum. For her it literally may be the lesser of two evils.

She's probably terrified you'll relapse, so is picking known stability.

I'm sorry this is hard for you, but choices and actions we make as parents have consequences that changing doesn't always mitigate.

I get that and I accept my behaviour and the impact wholeheartedly. I take responsibility for my mistakes.
But is giving up and leaving her there the right thing to do? I don't really have a choice (and I do understand it's my previous behaviour that caused this, of course). I just worry.

I've never thought of her as an object Ellie, (wanting her to come back here isn't objectifying her, I'm not sure I understand that being honest).

I'm really trying to work on the relationship, one on one time etc, but I'm not sure she's keen, which I understand and empathise with.

I haven't brought up going to counselling together, but this may be a good idea..

You knew you had a bad childhood yet still took drugs / drank / whatever your addiction was to the extent she had to live with your damaging mother.

What are you looking for here?

All you can do is tell her you love her, that you're there if she needs you, and you are tremendously proud of her.

Show interest but don't push her, and hope she comes to you when she is ready.

What do you mean 'what am I looking for' roar?

it depends whether you think addiction is a choice/illness I suppose.

I have empathy for people in recovery and volunteer with my local drug and alcohol service, so maybe I have a different take on on addiction and recovery to most people, I don't know.

I'm certainly not asking for validation or for someone to tell me that the way I was was okay. I absolutely know it wasn't and I know my behaviour had consequences.

I thought perhaps someone might have experience of -if not the same experience- then something similar and had some advice on how to handle and approach the relationship with my eldest daughter, manage expectations, help her and so on. And yes, I'm not ashamed to say I'd love her to come home. But if she doesn't want that, then I accept it and that's okay.

I guess the question is: do I not deserve help because of my history? I'm not being defensive, I'm just curious on how you would view that question.
It's a shame if the stigma continues to be so pervasive that people don't feel comfortable being honest about their history and asking for others advice..

Thank you Mint, that's a lovely comment. I'll try my best to do that. I had parents evening recently and we had a long chat afterwards - she loved hearing what her teachers had to say. I told her how very proud of her I am (not just because of what she has achieved but because of who she is).

I tell her a lot how proud I am of her and how much I love her. I'm not sure she always believes me, I think some of that may be to do with the history, but I'll keep saying it.

I work in substance misuse and do a lot of work with children whose parents have struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. The impact on the children is massive, they often blame themselves and feel anger that their parents chose the substance over them. They struggle to cope with their feelings around the issue.
You have to remember that your daughter is stable, and she has school and friends around her when she is. You cannot expect to uproot your daughter. It's amazing that you have done so well and you're giving something back but your main focus needs to be on rebuilding your relationship with your daughter, and that involves her being where she is. You need to listen to her feelings and emotions and understand them because even though you are now in recovery, the damage has happened.

I get that supersonic and likewise - it's great that you work in substance misuse and with children. Of course the impact is massive; I worry a lot about that and how my daughter is thinking and feeling about the past and about everything really. I would love the opportunity to properly address this and work through it, though I may not be the right person for her to do this..

As you know, lots of children do continue to live with and also return home to parents if they have long term recovery, but my daughter doesn't want that at the moment and have acceptance of that. Am I okay to say out loud that I find it hard? Some people would say 'no' as it's my own actions that caused this, but I'm going to say it anyway (and risk being jumped on) - it's hard.

I only love 10 mins away, so I'm here if she does need me. No uprooting would be suggested.

Live*

Of course you are allowed to feel hurt. You have made an amazing change and turned your life around. You know better than anybody how difficult that is to achieve.
Nobody chooses addiction and nobody should judge the individual. As you can imagine, I've heard some horrific stories.
Please be kind to yourself but also give your daughter space. Try having some one to one time with her and doing her activities she chooses. The key is one to one time together right now.

You've recovered, which is great, and she's made her choice too. Her decision to stay where she feels it is more stable is not a reflection on you. You spent years in addiction, and now that you're sorted, with a husband and a new child, you think she should be able to put it behind her too. She probably won't ever. Don't underestimate, the fact that you were able to change everything and provide your youngest with a life you couldn't, and wouldn't, provide your eldest. She's happy where she is, and her happiness trumps your need to have her back. Love her, have a relationship with her, but don't try and make her do and be somewhere she doesn't want to

Just keep talking to her as much as you can.
My sisters middle son went to live with his granny when his granda died to keep the granny company and has never returned to his home house.
The granny has turned the son against his own mum and has no relationship and they only live 5 minutes Away my sister has just had to accept it. She does see him an odd time he is an adult now his gf treats my sister very badly just ignores her and my sisters Dh is on his mums side and the ds and gf.
Am example of what the gf did last week she invited my sister and her dh to her 21st and included my sisters dh in birthday photos but not my sister so she just left the party and was totally distraught it was like they where trying to make a show of her in front of everyone. My sister thought she was doing a good thing for her Mil by letting ds stay and they have turned it all around that my sister didn't want him so keep trying to have some kind of a relationship even if it's only a text.
Your mum probably doesn't want to be alone.
Maybe ask her to stay one night a week.
Hugs to you

I think it's a time that girls naturally reject their mothers some bit. I would try to trust that things will get better and not push. Like pp have said, take small steps to ensure she feels loved and supported, that you are thinking of her, and you'll be there for her when the time comes. If that's in 10 months or 10 years. Be patient op and well done on all the progress you have made.

Your child is not a parcel, if they are happy where they are that is the best thing, there are probably reasons they don't want to come home

Your daughter is doing well while living with her grandmother
She is old enough to choose who to live with
Keep your door open but dont force her

It's so odd to see time and time again people saying their parents were damaging but they then go on to use said parents for childcare or in this case main care. Which is it? Did you not want better for her? You abandoned her, and now you're upset she's abandoned you.

Also, why now?

I'd suggest you talk openly about the past, tell your daughter it wasn't her fault, apologise. Repeatedly. Focus on repairing the relationship.

Is her father your dh? If not may be he is one of the reasons she prefers to live separately?

I do think grandparents look after children differently compared to when they were parents, if that makes sense. Try not to worry too much. But speak to your daughter often about being confident, about trusting herself, not letting your mum (or anyone else) mistreat her.

What is the sibling relationship like? Do they ever spend time one to one? I think having a sibling that looks up to her, loves her unconditionally could help your daughter's self esteem immensely. So definitely would encourage a good relationship.

And, as a last resort, have you considered having both your daughter and your mum move in with you? I appreciate this will not be an option for many due to various reasons.

Watching your mother be seriously ill and moving from her care at age what? Birth to five? Is enormously traumatic. The social work assessment might not see outward signs of problematic trauma at this stage and that is no doubt thanks to your mum for providing her with the stability and love she needed.

Extend your thanks to your mum for this regardless of your relationship. Of course your daughter is closer to her but that doesn't mean she can't gain a good relationship with you, but you have to work on her terms. She's settled happy and doing well, why would you enforce change?

Embrace this living situation and be grateful for how well your daughter has done. Be led by her, tell her how grateful you are to your mum and how proud you are of her.

But don't add emotional abuse to her early traumatic experiences.

I was your DD 24 years ago. Aged 6, I went to live with my Nan and Grandad because of my Mum's addictions and mental health. I never wanted to go back as my Nan and Grandads had become my safe place and home. It's difficult and my relationship with my Mum is strained. I don't have the answers but I can tell you that a child having to live in another home separate to their Mum because of addiction is quite damaging, if she is happy where she is, and safe, leave her there and just show you're there for her and love her and want to see her etc. wish you both all the best xx