Mobile phone

[Angelan86]

My daughter is 15. I took her phone off her at the beginning of September due to bad behaviour.
Since having the phone I found that she was sending nude videos and pictures of herself to her boyfriend, she was searching for p0rn and not normal type imo (if there is a normal type) but it was along the line of teen girls and older men etc.
She has said “that’s my privacy and you shouldn’t have been looking…” “it’s my boyfriend so obviously I’m going to send him stuff…”. Nothing to make me think she won’t do it again.
I still have her phone and was thinking I could give it her back when she turns 16 (in January) or tell her once she’s got the money to buy her own phone she can get 1 then. The only thing is she is begging me to give her it constantly.
Do you think I’m being too harsh and should give her it back now or should I stick to my guns and wait till she’s 16? What would you do in this situation?

What was the bad behaviour? Taking a phone away from a 15 year old for 4 months (if you don't give it back until January) sounds like quite an extreme punishment.

You do need to split out consequences for bad behaviour ... and appropriate use of phone.

I'd personally give the phone back now, but have a proper chat about inappropriate pictures/porn - not in a "I say you must do this" type way, but in a "here's some things to consider if you're going to do this" type way.
I can't see the value of not giving it back. I'm quite surprised your DD hasn't already got another phone (or maybe she has). All you are doing by refusing to return it is breaking down trust and communication lines which are going to be hard to rebuild.

She threatened me with a knife over a joint “come near me and watch what happens” while holding a knife and then chased after me with the knife when I took her phone off the side. I rang the police and they said they could arrest her or I could find somewhere for her to stay, so she stayed with my sister for a week.
Shes got a Nokia “burner phone” so she can call and text but has no access to internet/social media etc

Are you sure there's not another phone? Is her BF older? It's very likely that he's given her a phone already.

What's her self esteem like?

No there’s definitely not another phone, she’s been kicking off since yesterday because the other phone she has has stopped working somehow (I think she’s broke it so I would have to give her her old phone back) and her boyfriend is only 15 too. She has an iPhone 6 in her room somewhere but I think she must have forgotten about it as she’s not dug it out.
This isn’t the 1st time she’s had problems with mobiles that’s why I’m more skeptical about giving her it back this time (we’ve had the police involved 3/4 times in the past 2 years due to her sending pictures or having videos taken of her and shared around).
Just a few months ago her old best friend was threatening to come around and jump her because she’d sent an underwear picture to the girl’s boyfriend and when I asked my daughter about it she said she had just sent it to everybody 😩 she could have had anyone on her Instagram. I asked her to send me the picture in question and it was a very prerogative photo of her in just her knickers and bra.
I feel that she has pretty good self esteem but she had adhd and other mental health problems, plus she takes drugs regularly and has had a drugs councillor in the past but has been signed off my them because she was telling them she wasn’t taking drugs anymore.
We got signed off from social services at the end of August and by the beginning of September we were back under them. We’ve been on and off with social services and early help since 2018 because of her. Our support worker atm agrees with me that she shouldn’t have her iPhone but I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to keep it away from her. I’ll speak to him this week when he comes out

It's interesting that she has ADHD. My eldest does and the youngest is being assessed for both ASD & ADHD.

Does she take any medication for the ADHD or does she have an ADHD Coach?

No she refused to take her meds but after the knife incident I told her she could come home on the basis that she started taking her meds again. Unfortunately she had been discharged from the hospital and so had to be referred back, we have a video consultation on the 31st and then she’ll probably have to go in to have her height and weight checked before they prescribe them again

DC1 is currently in the waiting list for ADHD meds too although his is more inattentive.

He will though sometimes do things that help to regulate him, like running or sport or eating high protein foods.

Does she understand the importance of finding things that will help her regulation?

Would an ADHD Coach be an option?

No. I’ll be honest it’s like she just doesn’t care. I’m concerned that she’s not going to start taking her meds again even after all.
I’m going to take her to ypas this week to try get her some counselling, she did about 2 sessions with them last year and then just stopped going because it was “boring”. But she needs to speak to someone.
Her relationship is toxic. She split up with him about a month ago and I was so relieved but I heard her on the phone to him yesterday so messaged his mum to let her know and then she text me last night to say she had turned up at hers. They just aren’t good for each other and when they split up she often takes overdoses 😩 it’s like talking to a brick wall trying to get her to see that it’s not a good relationship

Hi OP have you joined the parenting mental health group on Facebook. It is really supportive and has many of us going through similar situations.

That must be so, so difficult.

My DD can't engage in regular counselling sessions as she lacks any kind of emotional language. We either get "I'm fine!" or angry outbursts. There's nothing really in between.

What makes things harder too is the immaturity. Your DD, like mine is probably operating at the maturity level of a 12/13 year old.

Was your DD ever assessed for ASD too? I know that you can get rigid thinking with ADHD but she does seem quite fixated on sending nudes being ok.

I think this is so true. They have 15-16 year old mates and think they are grown up but have the emotional responses and lack of nuanced thinking of someone much younger.

No what’s it called please

No she’s never been assessed for asd but over the past year I’ve been thinking she may have oppositional defiance disorder or a personality disorder. She is angry and argumentative 99% of the time with everyone and only nice when she thinks she is going to get something or after something.
It’s so hard because she wakes up in a bad mood every day and then spends the day annoyed and then goes to bed angry. She calls me all kinds of names (sl@g, sl*t, b!tch, dog, fat etc) on a daily basis and very often is just angry for no apparent reason.
Last month she tried to smash my car windows and threatens the whole family (me, her sd and her brother) that she will stab us and says things like “sleep with both eyes open”. My 11yo is petrified of her and keeps asking me when I’m going to kick her out. I have kicked her out so many times over the past few years and she always promises to change if she comes home but never does. And social services are no help, they just tell me I have PR and can’t legally kick her out. I’ve warned her that when she turns 16 I can kick her out and she will have to live in a hostel but she just doesn’t care. Tells me all the time to put her up for adoption.
She’s not allowed to see her dad as we have a court order so I can’t even get a bit of respite by sending her to his for a day or 2. It’s just me who has to deal with it all. And it’s draining to say the least

It is called Parenting Mental health. The lady who started it also wrote a book.