DD17, nice one minute, vile the next

[piscofrisco]

I honestly feel like volleying her today!
She is very clever, attractive, lots of friends, doing well at school, works and earns a decent amount from her part time job but gets £100 allowance on top from me. Lots of freedom, we trust her to go out and be sensible (ish). She just went on holiday with her pals to Portugal for example. Decent ish relationship with her Dad, loves my Dh, can't stand her sister (dd2 16) (who has had some problems but is now back on track touch wood).
I'd say 50% of the time she is nice and pleasant to be around. Last night we had a nice evening watching Tv in her bed and chatting away.lovely stuff.
This morning. Monosyllabic, if that. Refused to say goodbye (much less thanks) when I dropped her off at school (which I did so she didn't have to get the bus). Came in at 1pm as has free periods all afternoon. Offered lunch. She said no. She asked me if there is a laptop here she could use (she has one but left it at Dads). I said there isn't-because there isn't. Total strop and slammed into her room.
I've asked calmly if there is anything the matter or that she needs help with. She said no she just 'can't be bothered to be nice'. Not sure what to say to that.
Im leaving her to it for the rest of the day.
She will be 18 at Christmas so she can make her own dinner and sort herself out.

We never know what we are going to get with her. Sometimes normal and nice. Often not. And can change in the course of a morning between the two. She has ruined so many family days out/meals (when she comes-she is always asked but never forced) by being stroppy, that I'm beginning to think she shouldn't be asked at all. Not worth the risk. If we don't ask her however she plays hell.
She is incredibly entitled, especially where lifts to places are concerned (she has failed her driving test twice and awaiting a cancellation). That said occasionally she will do something nice for one of us-so she does have it in her-that's the frustrating thing.

She has no known mental health issues and is fine with everyone else. Except her Dad, with whom she is as bad or worse and her sister, who she has a huge chip on her shoulder about as she considers her sister to be more attractive (she isn't) and to have 'got away' with her behaviour (teenage drinking and risk taking which lead to her being attacked-she very much didn't get away with it-but that's another thread). I am Uber careful to make sure both are treated equally. If dh and I are chatting to DD2, dd1 will come in, huff about, not join in the conversation, and just cause an atmosphere. It's very unpleasant for all concerned.

I know 17 year olds often start acting out as they are ready to fly the nest. But she is honestly creating such an awful atmosphere in the house.
I wfh so I get the brunt of it. If a work colleague behaved as she does I'd be straight to HR. As it is I only have the Dog to complain to!

Is there anything anyone can think of to make her see that she has to grow up a bit and stop being so mean, basically. She is thinking of going to uni, or might get a job which if so she will
Expect to stay living at home. At present tbh I don't think that would be great for everyone else.

As soon as you asked her calmly if anything was the matter and she said she “couldn’t be bothered to be nice” you should have called her out on her behaviour! Her attitude is completely unacceptable and you need to let her know it. There’s a huge difference between an unproductive screaming session and a reasonable, frank critique of unreasonable behaviour. She needs a stern talking to asap.

I did. I said to her that that's
A completely unacceptable way for anyone to behave or speak to someone that is only looking out for them, and that I didn't put up with that when she was 13 and I won't now. And left the room.

When given said taking to she just stares into space /at her phone and says 'I don't care'. We get nowhere with it.

Righto. No more lifts then. And no more nice days out if she’s being a dick on the day. Take away the privileges she takes advantage of until she realises the consequences of her actions.

Teenagers are notorious for this kind of behaviour.

My advice:

Detach

Don't offer lifts, don't offer lunch.

If she asks for lifts etc make clear it is a quid pro quo; I used to say "actually that's really inconvenient- what are you going to do for me?

Op, remember, This Too Shall Pass.
My DC are in their 30's now but I remember the teenage strops / being a pain in the arse for months on end all too well.
Hard as it is ( Ive got the Tshirt ) just try to let it wash over you , keep your rules in place and dont rise to the strops. 🍷

I'd be tempted to stop the lifts and allowance because you 'can't be bothered to be nice' but of course this could add fuel to the fire and make things more hostile.
So perhaps a chat first when she is in a good mood. Tell her how you feel and explain that she doesn't have to be nice all the time but she doesn't have to be rude to you either.

She has clearly forgotten that she needs me to take her to her 'urgent' nail appointment in a far flung village at half six, and I assume wait around for an hour to bring her back.
If I say no she will go ballistic. But I will be reminding her that I won't be going anywhere until she can at least apologise.

Joy sapping little grotbag! (And no I haven't called her that to her face. But there is a lot of muttering inaudibly behind closed doors from me just now )

Here’s your perfect opportunity. Tell her you’re not in the mood and to get a taxi. But I get the feeling you won’t.
Don’t accept an insincere apology.

These girls are all the same. Don’t worry about it. Be delighted if she retreats to her bedroom!

And the meals out, the holidays argghhhh I know right? At her age you should be offering to leave her in the hotel room if she doesn’t want to eat out! That’s what I did

ignore. Deep breaths. Stick to your rules and boundaries

I feel your pain OP, my 15 year old has turned into exactly this. She was so lovely and kind and thoughtful and then she just turned!
So rude! I'm keeping to boundaries, calling her out when she's rude 'hey, have I upset you because if I have you can tell me and we can work it out but if I haven't then you need to talk to me nicely in the same way that I do with you'

I agree they can all have their moments and are teenagers, but general rudeness and disrespect is not ok. You need to withdraw favours ( including financial), she’s old enough to understand it has to be a two way thing. I’ve refused to give a lift to a party, yes they’ve missed it and had a huge strop, but they’ve behaved better afterwards ( at least for a bit!). The I don’t care thing you can flip to I don’t care to do your laundry etc… while you treat me like this. If you’re consistent it will work

Sorry but “…I’d be straight to HR,” made me laugh 😂 It will get better, just keep your boundaries and your sense of humour.

Or you could tell her how you feel instead of posting about her on an online forum? Tell her she’s making things unbearable and uncomfortable and remember, her hormones and the social expectations for her are huge. Family’s are something always considered last in the scheme of a teenage mind because children subconsciously know their family isn’t going anywhere, which I’m sure you’re not. You couldn’t pay me to be a 17 year old girl. Give her time and don’t lower yourself to the other suggestions. Show her by example that being open and honest will benefit you all. She has so much growing to do still, physically, mentally, emotionally, regardless of how accomplished she may seem. She will hate the distance between you both. And the resentment

Sounds normal to me. i think you just have to ride it out. I’m in the middle of a similar situation. We have good days and bad.

if I called her out on everything we’d spend all day in conflict. I’m learning to walk away. I let her stew in her own juices. I ignore her strops.

I withdraw lifts if she’s particularly bad.

Hi op! You sound like a lovely mum! And fwiw, I think you are doing everything right. 🌷

I agree with the advice of Polo1990 except I think it is absolutely fine to be posting anonymously on an on-line advice forum, geared, er, to parenting, when you need parenting advice! Why ever would that not be ok?

In fact I’d go as far to say it’s really important that you reach out for ideas and support, because being the mother of a stroppy teen can really get you down after a while and you can feel really alone at times.

You can’t really talk about it in rl because you are conscious of protecting your teen’s confidentiality, and people assume that we have the parenting sorted by the time they are teens, when it in fact a whole different set of problems we are facing. So I’d encourage you to reach out and speak to a trusted friend or colleague when you are feeling beaten down with it all.

I had to smile at your thread title though!

“Nice one minute, vile the next.”

“Off to Portugal one minute, retreating to her room the next.”

“Independent and earning money one minute, needing a lift to get her nails done the next.”

That is the absolute definition of a normal teen isn’t it? Half way between 😀

Op she is only half-baked! She’s vile but what she is transmitting on the outside is a reflection of all sorts of internal struggles and uncertainties.

I know it’s a complete pita to deal with her on-off moods, and by 18 she will be emerging from them soon, but as the mother of two dds (now young adults) I would say, apart from:

** encouraging her to go to uni if that is what she wants,

** stepping back and
relying on natural consequences when she is vile (dd you’ll find in the outside world that people don’t go out of their way to do you favours, like giving you lifts, when you are horrible to them)

** stepping back and investing your time in some lovely hobbies that will get you out of the house

… then I would do absolutely nothing at all!

Because just by being there, by being her emotional shock absorber, and staying calm, steady and patient, when she is emotionally labile, and loving her anyway, you are being the solid grey rock from which she can launch.

In order to individuate as an adult, she has to reject you and everything you represent, and in a sense she is testing you, that her foundation is solid enough to push herself off and away.

Hang in there, this too will pass! And don’t worry, they usually get less vile and a more appreciative when they have to do their own washing and cooking at uni. 😀

Also totally agree with Railwayroad who puts it a lot more succinctly than me! 😄

Commence, that was my golden nugget of wisdom for today, thank you!

@Commencethedancing , your advice just got copied into my "talking and listening to teens advice" note I've been compiling.
I find, if I don't consult that list regularly, I tend to explode back when she's rude. The list helps me keep my eye on the goal (loooong game).
Thank you!

Thank you EveSix and incognito50me but I acquired these insights by bogging things up badly half the time 😩😀

Agree it is a very long game …

Also, Lisa Damour is a great source of information.

I highly recommend her parenting books.

And her podcast:
Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting