Hi,
My son is almost 14, he has a very complex history with his dad, we've had to go through social services etc and are currently in early stages of family court but that's more for his younger brothers arrangements than his. We are under cahms, I go to a family therapist fortnightly on behalf of my son, he won't engage in any type of therapy, he didn't engage whatsoever with social worker and engages minimally with school. The history with his dad is his dad was emotionally abusive to me and controlling, emotionally abusive to eldest, a few times of psychical chastisement and agression including pinning him up to the wall and things like that. He was only like this to eldest, he was his scapegoat,behaviour goals he could never meet with changing goalposts, exclusion, made to feel unwanted, blamed, differing treatment from siblings and compared harshly. We split when he was 6 after many warnings and I caught him calling him a 'c**t'. He has had very minimal contact with father since then, maybe once a year or so they would try again, and it would be the same story, last 1 or 2 visits before a argument/incident. His brothers continue to go on weekends, he is a seemingly different dad to them. I blame myself for not leaving earlier, I always stuck up for my son but he always manages to turn it around to it not being abusive and that he is just a strict parent, but looking back it wasn't that. I was also being abused mentally and emotionally, I was often being threatened with him taking the younger 2. When we split when he was 6, the differences became greater to see, either refusing to have eldest if he chose to go, or engineering my son to react by treating him differently causing a argument and then calling him spoilt because he wanted the same, that kind of thing, he'd do something to cause a reaction and then blame him and reject him when he got that reaction. He soon chose to never go unless he tried again roughly once a year. He had challenging behaviour from me then, which I now know is coming from trauma through the therapy we are doing. I don't want to excuse me staying too long but it's very hard to explain, it wasn't like it 100 percent, he'd twist things so it seemed like he was in the right and this harsh approach was right, or he'd apologise and say he'd go to anger management, he'd have excuses why, he'd try harder, if only my son behaved like the other 2 then he could have what they had etc, it was so hard to see at the time and it's heartbreaking for me now I can see it all more clearly. Fast forward to now, hes 14, for the past 4 years hes seen him a handful of times, social services have said the dad needs minimum of 6 months of therapy before attempting a relationship with him, he doesn't want a relationship with him, only his brothers, they aren't recommending anything in terms of his brothers as they haven't been emotionally abused like this, we are going through court for a number of issues and to sort arrangement's for younger 2, so he sees them. He has tried to cause a divide saying middle son (very clear favourite) is scared when my son has outburst and he wants him, only him full time, my son does have outbursts, he's very angry and he's very resentful of the relationship his brothers have, all these feelings come out as emotional disregulation, I believe he is depressed also, school refusing this year, his dad says I am to blame, not him, as I am not in control of son, I am following the therapists nurturing/therapeutic parenting approach, I am trying to seek help for my son, he is having emotional breakdowns about not having a dad, but at the same time he says he doesn't want anything to do with his dad and professionals say if they tried it would become worse until he does the therapy, the feelings are stemming from rejection, abandonment, less than, resentment and coming out in angry outbursts or big displays of emotion. I don't know his else to help him? The fact his dad can still treat the other 2 well is showing to him that he is the problem ( he is not) I don't know what family court will make of all of this and everything is a mess, I am struggling to get these dynamics into words for them as representing my self, I believe it's psychological abuse. Is there any suggestions/courses/help for parenting for emotional disregulation?