Advice on lazy entitled teen DS18

[redfacebigdisgrace]

I’m so frustrated with him.

He’s currently having a gap year before going to Uni next year. Plan was to save then go to Australia where we have family and work/travel there from January.

He has had a bit of depression through Covid and messed up his GCSE and A levels due to lack of effort. He spends a lot of time in his bed watching Netflix. He will help if asked but rarely offers. He has good friends but they’re all off to university now.

He started a job 4 weeks ago and so far he’s been late once, been sent home early unwell, and has now called in sick today because he’s got a sore throat. He was out with work colleagues until 4am 2 nights ago.

He had a counselling session yesterday to talk through some of his anxieties (a few traumatic things have happened in his friendship group in the last year) and he called me upset from work yesterday. We had a good chat where I said it was good to talk this stuff through and he may feel a bit worse until he feels better, he was brave for facing it all. He stayed in work and then was let away an hour or two early as they were quiet.

He’s also messed up putting down for shifts for next week so doesn’t have any. He may be able to pick some up but it’s not guaranteed.

I am incensed at him calling in sick today. I said get up, take a painkiller and have a shower. But no. He’ll now be in bed all day. Both my husband and I have told him that this is not how the world of work works and he’ll be lucky if they don’t sack him. He’s an adult and he’ll take responsibility he says. He has a lovely home, has had private school, nice holidays and we have a cleaner! But both my husband and I were brought up like that and haven’t got an entitled attitude. My other son is also working to save for travel and has been doing 44 hour weeks in a bar where there’s no cleaners so he’s cleaning toilets at 1am uncomplainingly!

I’m just so fed up. He’s so lazy. He said he hides away so as not to think about these anxieties, hence the counselling. But I think he’s now using the counselling as an excuse to opt out of work.

Sorry for the rant, am just so angry and disappointed at him today. It’s like a black cloud over the house when he’s in his room, in his bed.

Any advice? Thanks.

Ok, so he's depressed and is having counselling for some traumatic events.

Speaking as some who has had counselling, it can sometimes dig up really deep emotions; I have had sessions where I've basically cried for 24 hours afterwards.

If he rang you for support after the session it sounds like he is really working at the counselling.

If you don't mind me asking, what were the traumatic events?

Some traumatic events can take quite a while to process.

Is he on medication for the depression?

I'll be honest, given that he's depressed and is having counselling the fact that he's even trying to hold down a job means he's doing really really well.

@Octavia64 thanks. He’s not been diagnosed with depression I just think he has it mildly. I’m not an expert though. He spoke to the GP a year ago and they did blood tests due to low energy. All came back fine.

I don’t really want to go into the events as they’re very specific and outing. They’re quite recent though (6 months) and this has been going in longer than the specific events he mentioned yesterday. I totally agree about the counselling which is why I was sympathetic yesterday but I think he’s using it as an excuse today.

He’a always been someone to do the minimum.

What is he hoping to get out of University? He needs to think about this because ending up with a shed load of debt on top of his other issues is not going to help his mental health.

I can understand that having a goal is positive, but he has a short term goal already, which is working and getting some money together to fund the Australia trip and he doesn’t seem to be fulfilling this. He sounds very overwhelmed, I think he needs to dial down the expectations he (and others?) put on him and be realistic about what he can currently deal with. it probably doesn’t help that all his friends are off to university and will be coming home in a couple of weeks full of their new lives. He needs to take things slowly, acknowledge that he isn’t ready for some of his dreams, and concentrate on small achievements by setting achievable targets that he can deal with, like getting up every morning for a week and going out for a walk. Then have more challenging targets for the next two weeks and so on.

@viques he definitely does want to go to university. I’ve had this conversation with him due to his extreme exam anxiety. although I think more for the social side and because it’s what all his friends are doing. He’s got a deferred place so we don’t need to make any decisions on that just now. It’s actually for a foundation course (due to his grades) which I think will be good as it’s a more supportive environment and should help with study skills etc… He did get 3 A levels, so that still an achievement.

To update- he called me, having reflected on the bollocking his dad just gave him. He knows he’s messed up and that he should have gone into work. He was reflective and pretty mature. We had a good chat. He wants to talk about this tendency of “opting out” with his counsellor. He’s going to continue with some work training online and come out for a walk with me later. So that’s good. I think he got a fright when it was pointed out that he could lose his job/he’s messed his manager around. Typically he hadn’t thought that they would have needed to get someone else to cover for him at short notice.

We had this and found that structure and responsibility really helped and built confidence. Stick with the counsellor that's key (I'm not dismissing the low mood at all!) but he needs responsibility for other stuff. We did cooking meals, pet-sitting, dealing with grandparents needs, volunteering, driving lessons it all helped to build a bit of self belief and distraction from some circular thinking that was not particularly helpful. (There had also been significant trauma in the friendship group) My mother was right when she said "keep busy". Good luck

"He has a lovely home, has had private school, nice holidays and we have a cleaner! But both my husband and I were brought up like that and haven’t got an entitled attitude."

Now, I was born in 1988, I'm 34 and I was 18 in 2007 which isn't that long ago. Lol my point is, he's being a spoilt teenager who doesn't give a s**t. That crap shout he messed up his timetable .. sorry no, get a calendar, hang it in the kitchen the old fashioned way and write down his shifts 8-5pm or whatever it is, on the calendar. I worked in bars/hotels as a bus-boy from about 14-18, then as a tour guide for 10 years part time. (I took my first sick day ever in IT about a year ago because I had the worst toothache/abscess and was of no use to anyone for the job I do) so since we'll say 2004/5 I've had 1 proper sick day in 18 years.

I also took a "gap year" but it was AFTER university because you do need momentum, as Dylan Moran says: "why do young people need a gap year? They haven't done anything yet!" Lol.

No,no,no... After this weekend. Mr. 18 year old gets up at 8am and goes to work, if he doesn't want to go to work he needs to take up a 10 week online course, he will continue to do nothing if he's let. I think he should learn coding or cyber security, it's good for logical thinking (which it sounds like he needs a lot of!).

I have it!! Get him to do a course on UDEMY! UDemy are online courses where you can basically learn a subject at your own pace. I recommend Colt Steele's Web Developer Bootcamp! That way he can work his shifts, do some coding in the evenings instead of Netflix and gives him a bit of structure. I would also try and curb the "out until 4am" thing for the weekends, he needs to earn the fun weekend first.

Best of luck. Gap year doesn't mean you do nothing..... Send him to a bootcamp, make him learn guitar, get him to do charity work at the DSPCA, coach a kids football team. He needs to fill his day. Good luck!💪🏼