Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

Does this sound like controlling behaviour from parents?

21 replies

Rollergirl11 · 08/10/2023 14:17

Bit of background:
DD (17) is in Year 13 and has got closer at sixth form with a girl she has every lesson with. She has known the girl through school but not very well until the last year. The girl has suffered with anxiety throughout secondary school but has got a lot better since starting Sixth form and seems more confident and happier.

The girls parents are very strict. They have to know where she is at all times; they track her location on her phone. If she goes to a party they have to take her and pick her up. If she goes to a gig they have to take her and pick her up. She is not allowed to use public transport or even have another parent collect her.

She stayed at our house for a sleepover over the summer. The girls went out to Nando’s during the evening and friends parents called her immediately to ask where she was going because they could see that she had left our house. They were annoyed with her because she hadn’t told them and said they don’t like it when plans change last minute as they think she’s being impulsive. I mean WTAF??!!

Friends parents didn’t allow her to go to Reading festival in the summer because they said they thought it would make her anxiety bad. Every single one of her friends went so she really missed out and she was very very upset about it.

Now they are saying that she is not allowed to go on a girls holiday next summer after her A levels because they think it will be bad for her anxiety. Friend said that it’s up to her to decide if it gives her anxiety and she will be 18 and therefore an adult and they can’t stop her. They then started saying the whole “our house our rules and if you don’t like it you can move out”.

I think this is really troubling and horrible of her parents and they are using her anxiety as a way to control her. The mum has even made disgusting comments to her in the past, saying things like she looks like a slag and attention seeking when she has worn dresses to parties. God knows what kind of damage this type of comment does to her self esteem and what kind of message it sends. I would even go so far as to say that the parents may well be responsible for this poor girls anxiety in the first place. Whenever DD tells me what her parents have said or done I feel so very bad for this poor girl who is just trying to grow up and live her life doing very much age appropriate things.

Is there anything that can be done?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 08/10/2023 16:04

Report it to safeguarding at sixth form.

MissingMoominMamma · 08/10/2023 16:05

I agree.

Runnerinthenight · 08/10/2023 16:07

I agree too. Poor girl needs to have the chance to grow up like her friends. No wonder she is anxious. She should start by turning off the tracking on her phone.

Lambiriyani · 08/10/2023 16:10

Reading stuff like this always upsets me.

Lambiriyani · 08/10/2023 16:11

@Rollergirl11 sounds rude but what ethnicity is the other girl?

DrCoconut · 08/10/2023 16:16

Are they a very religious family by any chance? My parents were very strict, always had to know where I was and would not have allowed festivals or unsupervised holidays. I could get a lift with a friend's parents though and go to shops. I can't imagine the stress that the invention of mobile phones has brought to teens with strict parents, they must have no space at all.

WeeGoddess · 08/10/2023 16:16

Awful, poor girl. This is what I am thinking @Lambiriyani

My dd was friends with a girl living under a similar regime when they were at school. Her parents were from a typically high achieving culture and boy they really didn't leave her much space to fail.

Holidaylover68 · 08/10/2023 16:20

Sounds awful for her, but you are only hearing her version of events. Yes they sound very controlling but have you wondered why? Perhaps the mother or father have had bad past experiences that make them super cautious and yes, controlling. Perhaps they have past trauma and anxieties themselves. It’s not my idea of good parenting on the whole but Tbh I wouldn’t have allowed my daughter to go to Reading at just 17 considering the well known drink and drugs culture there. There’s really nothing you can do other than listen and support her.

ShoesoftheWorld · 08/10/2023 16:29

Holidaylover68 · 08/10/2023 16:20

How would that (if it were the case) justify them projecting their experiences onto her?

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 08/10/2023 16:55

They are white so not a cultural thing. DD doesn’t believe they are especially religious.

There is a younger brother who also suffers from anxiety. DD told me that her friend told her once that her parents made her and her brother scared of being left home alone by talking about intruders and burglars. Then when the Mum’s job/hours changed and it suited her for them to be left alone after school they were both frightened and she expected them to get over it.

Yes I’m aware that I’m only hearing her version of events but DD has seen some of it in action.

OP posts:

BadBadDecisions · 08/10/2023 16:59

You know...the thing is you don't know what the parents have lived through with her anxiety and mental health.

My child has had a really bad year, SH, suicide attempts, running away from home and school. She's a LOT better now but myself and DH are left with some trauma; I track her on her phone a lot, and am always in a state of anxiety waiting for her to come home at the allotted time.

I can't imagine what reporting it as safeguarding is meant to do for a girl heading into adulthood. Overprotective parents are not ideal, but really she's about to head out into life and will separate herself over time.

feralunderclass · 08/10/2023 17:03

They can't be that controlling if she's sleeping over, going to gigs etc. What sort of safeguarding issue would it be? If she wasn't allowed to go anywhere it would be different.
OP you don't know the whole story. Personally I'd tell your dd to stop advising her she can do what she wants as she's nearly 18,maybe she doesn't know full story? My teen dd is autistic and with her I sound very similar to these parents. She masks very well, but has OCD, suicidal ideation and going on holiday alone would be completely out of the question for her safety. She is vulnerable and very easily led. I'd be furious if her friend told her to book it and go anyway and I would not encourage that friendship at all.

MermaidEyes · 08/10/2023 17:08

I think they sound very anxious rather than controlling, like they're constantly worried she might come to some kind of harm. I feel if they were that controlling she wouldn't even be allowed out at all. I knew a couple of kids whose parents were similar. At 18 those kids moved out to the furthest university they could find.

fattytum · 08/10/2023 17:12

knowing what I do about Reading festival I am surprised any parents let their children go, it is far and away the most dangerous festival in the UK

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 08/10/2023 17:17

@feralunderclass my DD hasn’t advised her anything of the sort. It was the friend who said it herself to her parents.

I totally understand being hyper vigilant over your DC’s when their mental health is a concern. DD also suffers with anxiety and in 2021 she was diagnosed with Anorexia and was hospitalised as a result. I am forever fearful of her relapsing but I would never hinder her recovery and progress by keeping her trapped in that state. This girl seems like she wants to move on from her anxiety but her parents are always using it against her by suggesting that she won’t cope or she can’t do something.

I don’t feel that it is something to be raised with Safeguarding but it does make me feel sad for her. Both DD and her friend are in the process of applying for university. Hopefully this will be a time for the parents to naturally relinquish some control but I worry that they will still expect to be able to track her location, wherever she is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rollergirl11 · 08/10/2023 17:19

I can (sort of) understand them being overly anxious that she will come to some harm but that doesn’t explain or excuse the vile “slut shaming” comments that have been made.

OP posts:

BadBadDecisions · 08/10/2023 17:34

No, it doesn't. Some people are dicks though, and some of them are parents.

Dacadactyl · 08/10/2023 17:50

IMO, her parents are causing her anxiety.

Imagine being 17 and being tracked on a phone etc?! Not allowed to go out or move a muscle without your parents on your case. Absolute nightmare.

I don't think anything can be done. Safeguarding at college wont get involved I shouldn't think. Their child, their rules. But they're making a mistake and damaging their relationship with their daughter (and her mental health) in the process.

ChimChimeny · 08/10/2023 18:47

You know...the thing is you don't know what the parents have lived through with her anxiety and mental health.

Or her anxiety is caused by her parents as @Dacadactyl said.

BadBadDecisions · 08/10/2023 19:44

Could be. But the OP really has no idea, so should probably just keep out of it.

Coughingdodger · 10/10/2023 09:49

They’re stricter than you are but - safeguarding??!!

Drugs are a huge problem for teens. They want her to be a year or two older before she has total freedom. It’s annoying for her but hardly the end of the world. Your DD will have to find other people to go to things with.

Flip