Telling your teenagers you have cancer

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For what its worth, I'm hoping that noone has had experience of this for obvious reasons, but if they unfortunately have, I was wondering how they reacted.

I've got a lump in my breast which they are almost certain is cancer, a very small chance it is precancerous, although I've been told this normally presents as calcification and mine is a hard lump. I've known for a week and my DH and I have decided not to tell them until I have a treatment plan and can answer all their questions. I have an appointment next Wednesday so not too long to go.

They are boys, aged 16 and 13. Older one has just started in the 6th form. I think he will ask me lots of questions. I don't know how my younger one will react, tbh he's at the difficult pre-puberty stage and we haven't been getting on very well the past few months. I'm fully prepared for him to go quiet and not really react. Trying to be normal is really hard. Unfortuntely, I'm natural quite an anxious and emotional person and I've had to work hard to conquer this. I dont think they've got any idea that anything's wrong at the moment.

Any advice on how to deal with telling them would be great.

Hi OP, sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I was dx with breast cancer in 2019 when my Dds were 17 and 15. I had surgery (3 days in hosp) then emergency admission via A&E a week later, emergency surgery and blood transfusion (another 3 days). Chemo (burst appendix half way through, a week in hosp) and radiotherapy.

We were just completely straight with the Dds, but really emphasised the positive - "I'll have a lot of treatment, I will get better"

They were upset, definitely, but coped with it ok I think. We told school straight away too (although they forgot to submit mitigation for DD1's A levels) and kept them informed. What was a huge help was DH's work allowing him to take as much time off as needed - he was able to be with me, and at home more with them.

All the best with your treatment 💐

When my husband was diagnosed with a serious cancer, I talked to our friends (who were the parents of our kids BF's) and gave them a heads up.
Then we all met and explained it, so their bfs also knew and could support them.
I also got a book from that specific cancer's organisation which helped answer questions.
Don't assume they know things- they are in shock. Repeat things.
Bring it up in conversation so it's an everyday thing.
Take them to the hospital from early on so they don't feel intimidated.
Good luck ♥️♥️

I was on the other end, my dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer when I was 16. I don't remember the specifics of the conversation, but remember they being very clear and generally very positive. Like PP have said, the specifics of treatment weren't hidden away from me and I knew what was happening. I think they checked in with me more often, but I definitely didn't feel the anxiety of it as they did (and definitely not as I would do now) and it just became part of life for that period.

Sending love, the not knowing is almost worse xx

Thank you for your messages.

@Nejnej tbh yes the not knowing is worse. I will tell school when I know what's going on and plan to be straight with them about everything and positive. In he case of our younger Son, his best friend's Mum is a good friend of mine. I told her yesterday but obviously asked her not to say anything to anyone else. This friend is the friend my Son is the most himself with which helps.

A day at a time

I'm sorry you're needing to do this.

When my husband and I were called in when his colonoscopy was completed to be warned by the doctor that there was a large lump in there that was very likely to be cancer, we didn't know where to go with it.

In the end we decided to wait until he'd been seen by the consultant, had had further scans, and we'd have the answers to any questions that our daughters might ask.
I think that was the right decision.

Mine were a bit older, at uni. We waited until I had the full treatment plan and then gave them the news. They wanted to know every detail and asked that we didn't hide anything from them. (They felt we had done that by delaying telling them until I had all the tests and treatment plan).
We made it all very positive, the surgeon told me they were aiming for a full cure and so we emphasised that.

Good luck. It gets easier to cope with once you have a clear treatment plan.

Children are very perceptive and often worry about what they are NOT being told, particularly when they are aware mum and dad are worried or upset.

I would encourage you to be open, but in an age appropriate way.

So you've seen a doctor and are waiting for results. Like anyone would be, you are a bit worried about what they will say, but you are confident in the care you are getting and When you know more you will let them know.

I've been on both sides of this, I would recommend being completely open from the word go, no secrets, nothing hidden. Talk openly and often, and make it into an everyday part of life you all have to live with, not something to be referred to covertly, or with euphemisms, etc. The 5year survival rate for most types of breast cancer is pretty much 100%, so it is in inconvenience rather than a death threat, be honest about the statistics, and the options

@makingforwardprogress I need to make that my mantra, ‘it is an inconvenience rather than a death threat’. Thanks for saying that. I’m sorry to others who have been through the same thing.

I will be honest about everything and talk about it. Think I am doing the right thing waiting for a treatment plan.

I was diagnosed with bc a few years ago. My ds was 13 at the time. I am a single mum, his df is useless, and ds had already lost a close family member to cancer when pre-school, and been totally over-exposed to it then by his selfish df.
I chose not to tell ds. I had an op while ds was on a school trip and was back on my feet the next day. Then 3 x chemo during covid, so I spent a couple of days feeling tired each time, my dsis came to stay and we just said maybe I had Covid, which was in the news constantly.
I wore a wig in the mornings/evenings while ds was at home.
No side effects from radiotherapy so that was easy.

Six months later I told ds I fancied having my hair cut short, and got rid of the wig. I worked all the way through (wfh 4 days a week).
It was hard work but I wasn't prepared to frighten ds unnecessarily, and he would have been very frightened.
Ds is now a foot taller, a young man, not a child. I'm glad I took that decision for our specific set of circumstances. I'm not suggesting it for anyone else. I didn't tell ex either because he would have used it against me.
I had the support of my dsis, and my boss knew.
I will tell ds at some point. After a-levels maybe, when I'm 5 years clear.

@MintJulia you sound like a very brave lady, your Son is lucky to have you. Like you I will do my absolute best to carry on as normal, especially with work cause I am self-employed. I know I will do my best to be positive, but think I need to tell my Sons the truth.

I was in this situation in the summer (my boys are 15 and 19). I just told them straight without dancing around the word cancer. I explained my treatment plan and that this was just a blip. I felt terrible that we had to cancel our summer holiday. They were fine about it, no tears.

I finished my treatment a few weeks ago and my eldest told me how proud he was of me with regards to how I dealt with it. I asked the boys why they didn't get upset and they said it was because I didn't get upset when I told them and that I was clear about what was happening and they understood it was a blip.

The last few months have been a real eye opener for me as my youngest has continued to show no interest in spending time with me and is a typical teen I guess. It made me question at times what I was fighting for but I tackled it as a to-do list and am only now starting to process my feelings.

Wishing you strength as you begin your way along this shitty path. xx

Be honest. My mum asked the doctors about how to tell me when my dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 13. She was brutally honest with me and I'm grateful. Also make sure the school knows so that they can be supported. My school were rubbish and even more so when my dad ultimately died 4 months later. Sending lots of best wishes

Kids range such a lot reacting to this. My dd was 15 when I had BC and I was quite sick throughout treatment. She didn't really react at all - some kids don't especially if you try to be positive etc and doesn't seem she was just hiding her feelings. Just saying - don't be surprised if they react less than you expect.

We were in the same position a few years ago when my dp was diagnosed. We didn't tell the dc's until we had a treatment plan. I think that was the right thing to do as we felt the in-between bit knowing you have cancer but not knowing what the treatment is was the worst bit.
Our DS who had just started 6th form took it all in and never really asked questions, our DD who was 9 asked a lot more. We tried to be very honest with them but always kept it very positive. They didn't really react as much as we expected but were very good about not complaining about anything. DS was also very good at picking up DD when we were at the hospital etc.
We told their schools the day we told the children, in case they were upset in school.
DP was off work for about 18 months, so spent a lot more time with them than when he was at work which was one positive from the experience. Tbh 11 years later it all seems like a horrible dream.

I'm sorry to hear this OP.
We have been through this, this summer, when my husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer at a colonoscopy. We told the kids immediately, before knowing the prognosis as we are not good at hiding things, but stressed that we were hopeful it had been caught early and was very treatable etc. Thankfully this has proved to be the case and he is now on the mend after surgery.