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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

When will she care about personal hygiene?

10 replies

dinkybella77 · 06/10/2023 14:07

Hello, just wondering if anyone has any experience or advice.
I am really struggling with DD14. She has a long history of constipation with soiling. Been back and forth to doc and various specialists for this and stomach issues over many years.
The soiling is a very small amount compared to the problem that she had when she was younger but my issue is that she STILL hides her pants in the bedroom!
I have told her she won't be in trouble and to just put them in a bag and discreetly use the washing machine but she still doesn't seem to change her behaviour. It feels like forever waiting for her to outgrow this habit. I begin to think she might never.
She also has issues with food and binges regularly and hides wrappers, and cups plates all over her room ( including her desk and clothes drawers!) Her behaviour disgusts me at times but I try to be loving, understanding and supportive. She recently went through CAHMs and had support for the eating and whilst I now understand the reasons...the behaviour doesn't change.
She recently had upset tummy and soiled her bed but didn't say anything! She also needs prompt for showering and cleaning her teeth.
In other ways she is very bright. She does well at school and has friends but I worry so much about her. My husband is at the end of his tether. He is convinced there is something wrong with her and that she won't be able to live independently because she can't mange her own hygiene.
I guess I am just looking for other parents perspectives or similar experiences?? Will she get there or do I need to accept this is her?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 06/10/2023 15:10

Did CAMHS say anything about ASD ? What do school say about her ?

dinkybella77 · 06/10/2023 19:02

Hi ,
They did loads of questionnaires which I think would potentially highlight asd ....things like how important is routine to you, how do you cope with change but she didn't flag. Her answers were to indifferent I think. Everything was very much, yeah OK. I'm OK etc
DH believes she might be asd and mentions it a lot but I really find it hard to see a clear perspective. I don't know if it is because there aren't any signs, or I am in denial. The irony is that I work with young children and I usually spot signs in the children I work with straight away! More with boys though...

OP posts:
dinkybella77 · 06/10/2023 19:07

All the way through school she has been that quiet, well behaved girl. Quite unnoticed really. She is very shy, creative likes her own company. Absolute bookworm. Has a small group of friends and friendships can be intense. She tends to cling to one person and becomes a bit possessive at time. Recently she seems more comfortable and has a lovely little bunch of friends. They seem more mature than her but she is very happy in their company.

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SpaceChocolatel · 06/10/2023 19:13

I wouldn't rule out ASD. I would perhaps get some advice from an occupational therapist with ASD interest. It sounds like insight/ self awareness/ understanding of cause and effect and compulsive tendencies may be an issue. And I would also wonder about sensory interoception.

truthhurts23 · 06/10/2023 19:42

things like how important is routine to you, how do you cope with change but she didn't flag
questions like these bug the hell out of me!!
That is not the correct way to talk to a suspected autistic person
let alone a teenager, why are they expected to be that self aware ??
I'm an adult (albeit autistic) and even I can't answer questions like that,
I don't sit there and analyse myself on how I react to change nor do I take mental notes on my routines..
also this
people with ASD are purported to have deficits in basic self-awareness and introspective capacity !!
we often lack theory of mind, so a lot of autistic people can be rigid in routines but we don't necessarily realise that we do have routines, until someone close to us points it out .

small example in the GP today I found it really difficult to describe my stomach pain because I don't feel pain like other people,
describing how I am feeling, or any symptoms is a nightmare for me
and I end up sounding like an idiot
because I lack the self awareness, and also converting what I am feeling into words, very difficult
so its easier to just answer shortly

so please do not rule out autism for your dd because CAMHS are NOT specialised in autism, its better to get someone that specialises in ASD to evaluate her.

A lot of the things you describe sound like executive dysfunction,
she might be avoiding hygiene because of sensory issues,
as disgusting as it sounds, sometimes people with ASD feel comfortable sitting in their own funk because they lack the self awareness
and its also preferable than going into a chilly bathroom, getting their feet wet, being stabbed by splashes of water, the assault of strong soap smells , gagging on toothbrushes..

the room eating could be a comfort thing
but also could be that,
people with ASD have poor interoception, they aren't often able to tell if they are thirsty, hungry, full, need to go toilet etc
so it could lead to kids "stealing" food, over eating, and skipping meals only to binge later because their sugar level is low.

poor interoception is also linked to the constipation,
ASD children almost always have constipation issues starting very young for a number of different reasons

just try to understand that she cant help being like this and she's not lazy, she just needs specialised help,
if you need to keep prompting and reminding her to take care of her hygiene, that will definitely help her short term, until she can be evaluated.

dinkybella77 · 07/10/2023 14:48

Thanks for the replies. I will look at those suggestions. Maybe the OT is a better starting point than CAHMS.
Some other things that I remembered she finds difficult..... organising/ tidying her room. She just cannot put things in the appropriate place. If I offered to help her she gets completely overwhelmed and stress.

She also can't cope with us coming in her room. Even just popping in to collect some washing. It seems to trigger a big meltdown.

Does that sound like ASD traits to you?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 15:03

Op, you need to have her privately assessed as soon as possible to get to the root of what's going on here. I'm in agreement with your husband, this behaviour is not in any way normal. At her age, she needs immediate intervention and help in order to become a functioning adult. She sounds like she's really suffering, honestly.

dinkybella77 · 07/10/2023 18:22

Thank you Aquamarine. I appreciate your honesty. It is hard to hear, I probably have been in denial. Now that I am looking at it it seems obvious but I didn't have the slightest clue when she was younger.
I will have a look into an assessment for her.
It breaks my heart to think of her vulnerability. I just need to help her now 😔

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CharlotteRose90 · 07/10/2023 18:27

She has all the signs my brother had at that age and he has autism. Used to kill my mum trying to bribe him to shower or brush his teeth, he also left dirty clothes. She needs an assessment. At that age with autism jt can be hard for teenagers to adapt to the change of their bodies and the situations.

dinkybella77 · 07/10/2023 18:31

Thank you. DH's brother had it too, undiagnosed until adulthood but I think it convinced him of the traits he sees in DD.
Anyone know where I would start trying to find professional for assessment ?

OP posts:
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