Reasonable curfew on weeknights for 14 year old boy

[Ohthere]

I would love some input on this because apparently I am the most restrictive parent on the planet. Is 9.30 unreasonably early to expect my 14 year old to be home when there’s school tomorrow? He’s not going to a friend’s house but hanging around town. Every time it’sa massive argument, I end up doubting myself because he does have some friends whose parents are much more permissive. What do you think?

If he is hanging around town until 9.30 on a school night what time does he eat dinner, shower and go to bed?

I don’t have a teenager but when I was a teen I was expected to be at home by dinner time (7 ish) if I didn’t have an activity on or was at a friends house.

9.30 seems quite late when he is in year 8/9?

Forgot to say YANBU for expecting him to be home by 9.30.

I think 930 is late especially now it gets dark. I would say be home by 8 the latest.. I have a 15 year old daughter that thankfully doesn't want to hang out like that.

Dinner done with by about 7.45, so he would be out for about an hour and a half then come home, get his school stuff sorted and go to bed. He has a shower in the morning. I thought that seemed more than reasonable!

Jesus why are you so unsure about this? OBVIOUSLY that's too late. When does he eat, shower, do homework?!
mine is expected to be back in time for dinner (6ish) if he goes out and sometimes allowed out later if he's watching a football match when I'd pick him up around 9.30. Not every week though.

I should have specified (sorry didn’t mean to drip feed) that we live outside UK and there is more of a ‘cafe culture’ so people out and about until later, still pretty warm too. I also genuinely believe he’s not out looking for trouble and I don’t think any of his friends are either. But for me that’s not really the point, he’s got school tomorrow!

@Ohthere I think it seems far too late, especially as he is just hanging around town rather than a friends house which is safe. 14 in my view is too young to be out at that sort of time without any supervision.

There is a huge range at that age, but if your DS is hanging around town with people out much later than 9:30 I would be distancing him from them as best I could, nothing good can come of it and leaves him vulnerable to getting involved with all sorts.

If he was out at a friend's or at an activity that would be different but I think 9pm is late enough to be home on a school night regardless.

These teenage conversations mess with my head😅! And his dad is a waste of space when it comes to imposing limits so I don’t have an adult I can consult with.

Oh being in a foreign county massively changes things, if its the med I understand this culture and yes people live to a different time / rhythm. I imagine you've got it right, it would feel too late in UK but probably spot on in Spain

In town they will be vaping. Trying weed.

And flirting with girls. The last one isn't too bad. But the vaping and weed is. If they aren't doing it now they soon will be. Keep the curfew. Solidarity.
Do you have a mum friend to help you?

14 year old children should be in the house, perhaps even asleep at 9:30pm, not doing who knows what, with who knows who, who knows where (I know that you said in town, but you don't know if that's true).

Weekends are for social lives, occasionally during the week 1-2 friends max over.

Even during weekends, he shouldn't be out that late, unless he is at an adult chaperoned event indoors..occasionally.

Occasionally, not all the time.

He doesn't have to be socially active and involved everyday, nor does he have to be allowed to do things that the other parents are allowing their children to do.

He is not an older teen (18-19), nor an adult.

That is too many liberties and independence for a 14 year old.

In my opinion.

Why is everyone assuming he'll shower at night? OP said he showers in the morning.
Me and my preteen always shower in the morning. That's not unusual.

Though to be fair OP the teenagers around her are very well known for causing havoc wherever they gather after school until late. I hope he's not one of them, or in with a crowd that do so.

*here

I think you are very lenient actually. I would not let my 14 year old have as much freedom to just hang around town, and definitely not until 9:30 at night. By the time they get home, assuming showered, maybe snack on something they are probably going to bed quite late.

Possibly take the privilege away since it isn't appreciated. Don't doubt yourself mama!

Makes sense to not sleep in a clean bed in my dirt from the day. Honestly, I shower before bed and then in the morning also.

9.30 is late for a 14 year old.

Thanks to everyone for your comments, I really just needed to hear some other people telling me I am not crazy! I do have one friend with a boy the same age and similar ideas about parenting but tbh we probably are both stricter than a lot of parents around here which does then make me wonder if it’s me that’s exaggerating. So thanks for the solidarity!💪🏻
it’s not an everyday thing but an occasional treat when all homework etc has been done, anyway he didn’t go last night and won’t be for a while.

I personally agree about showering before bed but you have to pick your battles and at least he’s going to school clean.

Thanks again

@Ohthere I think the fact you aren't in the UK is very relevant and would perhaps have changed some people's responses had it been in the OP as it's easy to miss within the other comments.

In the UK it would be late and likely to lead to either getting up to no good or being around others up to no good.

Living elsewhere where the streets are still busy at 9:30, perhaps in a siesta type culture parenting choices would probably be different and I assume you moved to that country to enjoy the culture. Somewhere like Morroco it's not unusual for whole families with even very small children to be out at that time so whilst you stick to your instincts I suppose also look at the culture you are in.

I guess questions I would ask myself are..
Are you as a family winding down at 9:30? We would be here but perhaps it's different so I'd want DD home. If not, and he only goes out occasionally can you also go out in town for a walk / coffee / ice cream whatever.

What is the school day like, do they have an earlier/later start.

Can homework etc be done in the afternoon.

If you eat later as you mention 7:30 can he go out before than and then stay home from dinner time. Or are his friends only out after dinner. - Can you host them instead so they aren't wandering?

More good points, I really appreciate this as it gives me ammunition for the inevitable next time we have this argument! The winding down is relevant as I have to get up a lot earlier than the rest of the family, so if he’s home any later then basically I can’t go to sleep. Homework is done in the afternoon and if it’s not all finished then there’s no question of him going out. Hosting friends is not an option at the moment and probably only something I’d consider at weekends anyway. But thanks!