Housetraining teenagers?

[BlowDryRat]

DS is 13. When he's not at school or playing football, he's in bed, curtains closed, playing on a device of some sort/eating, surrounded by a sea of dirty crockery, apple cores, sweet wrappers and a mix of clean/dirty clothes.

I've banned him from eating upstairs but he sneaks food up there when I'm out. He has a laundry basket, which he uses like a basketball hoop. He's responsible for his own laundry but despite constant reminders he does stupid things like washing all his school uniform at 10pm on a Sunday night, meaning none of it is dry for the next day.

I open his curtains and windows while he's at school during the day to get some air in and make him clean up every few days, with much growling and complaining from his end.

My go-to punishment is to confiscate his devices, but his school has a compulsory Chromebook scheme so he has to do his homework on that. The nuclear option is threatening not to take him to his football match the next weekend. That does get him moving so I haven't had to follow through on that yet, but I would.

Talking to him, reminding him and helping him has no effect other than making him even more grumpy. We had MIL to stay a few weeks ago so I gave his room a deep clean to make it suitable for DD to share for a night. Two days after she'd gone it was back to being unfit for human habitation.

How do people successfully train their teenagers to live in a reasonably clean and tidy state?

My DD15 is gradually getting better. She still sometimes does everything your DS does (except for the basketball hoop and uniform washing, as we are not in the UK), but cleans up of her own accord and, while it's not impeccable, it's definitely habitable.
She leaves a lot of clothes on the floor while dressing for school, but by the evening they are put away (again, not too tidily, mostly shoved in drawers, but it's good enough).
I no longer comment on the room except when I'm very stressed.

The punishments I've meted out for more serious stuff: lying, not doing things she's promised to do.

I go in my teens room every day , make bed collect dirty washing and any food or wrappers, I don’t know what it is about them eating in bed… my point is if I didn’t do this it would be absolutely vile. And I can’t cope with mess. If he does bring his washing down it’s chucked in the kitchen floor. Also don’t let him laze in bed. I let mine till maybe 11 then he can get up. Also get the snapping if I say anything I’m nagging blah blah

I don't think it's on most teens radar to have a clean and tidy room.
I do the laundry for everyone in the house but it has to be in the laundry basket, I don't seek out everyone's dirty clothes.
Food isn't allowed upstairs but no-one breaks this rule.
If the kids rooms start looking grubby I will suggest they clean it and provide duster and polish and park vacuum outside their rooms. Usually works.
I think they do need a bit of scaffolding to get the hang of it.

I used to go in and do a litter pick and the laundry but it got back into a state almost immediately so I've said I'm not doing it any more. I remind and I help, but I don't take over.

Putting a bin bag, vacuum cleaner and polish outside his door is a good plan. Although no doubt he'll be oblivious

When I turf him out of bed he comes downstairs with his duvet and festers on the sofa. A few hours later he leaves his cheesy socks, headphones and rubbish on the sofa and escapes back upstairs.

I don't pick up her room and I stopped that quite early; obviously, if we had an infestation, I would intervene, but as long as we don't have that, it's her mess to deal with and live in. I have offered to help with clothes, especially with the seasonal clothes exchange, as she has real trouble getting started on that. She accepts help in that regard, so I will continue it.

The complete mess seamed to be a stage with her, I suspect she will be a semi-messy adult, like me, but live in acceptable, hygienic surroundings. If she sees me vacuuming, sometimes she'll vacuum her room right after.

"I suspect she will be a semi-messy adult, like me"

Haha yes, I was a horribly messy teenager and still have better things to do than to keep a show home. It's still clean, hygienic and vaguely tidy though.

We recently changed the WiFi password and they get the guest one which is changed each day when jobs are done. If they can't do their homework, they get a detention in school but it's not come to that now.

I do the washing and ironing (provided it is put in the washing basket or brought for ironing) but the rest of it, DS doesn't get to do anything else until his room is free from crockery, glasses and rubbish. He also has jobs to do around the house. When jobs are done you can have fun time. I'm not bothered about the sulking or moaning, it's easy to ignore and not rise to it.

This is terrifying.

DS17 has a frustrating habit of leaving his dishes beside the dishwasher. I've taken to bringing them back up to his room and putting them outside his door, or at his place at dinner.

Which part?

Yes! Why do they do that? DH does it too and I tell him off. They both leave their pants in the bathroom after a shower too, although DH less so since I started taking the mickey.

I imagine she's looking at her sweet little boy who loves her and wants cuddles and playtime and bedtime stories from her (I used to have one of those!) and imagining him growing into a stinky, grumpy, growling, scowling teenager.

I'm not getting the 13 year old doing his own laundry bit?
Let him be a very young teenager.
Yes he should keep his room tidy etc .

It is hard and maybe my expectations are too low but the constant battling means i have backed off a bit. Very basic rules for clean and tidy room are laudrey in basket, litter in bin and dishes downstairs every day. Makes the bed and then i hoover and polish once a week.

Plan to add on a bit more when this becomes routine (have been waiting a while though!)

Sorry but if he still acts like a child, treat him like one. No screens/devices in his room (he can do his homework downstairs), no duvet downstairs, wifi off unless he's finished homework AND his room is tidy.

I find it pretty hopeless to enforce standards in their own bedrooms – but we have got into a good routine where they take on some regular household chores.

I think the bedroom is their rest space – so it’s hard for them to be in chore mode there. Even when I stood over them to tidy up, they just get sidetracked with reading the pieces of paper and stuff.

however, I have conditioned them to expect to do 10 minutes tidying up before and after meal times. I call them 10 minutes before serving food - and they do tasks like setting off dishwasher, family laundry, wiping table, cooking & serving food, putting away shopping). And same before they leave kitchen after the meal. This means that I don’t feel like the housemaid (and I have bandwidth to clean their rooms).

Also means I’m not ‘constantly’ nagging. They know when I can legitimately be on their tail & when I won’t hassle them.

I go in my teens room every day , make bed collect dirty washing and any food or wrappers,
Why? what are you teaching them? that someone will pick up after them

You have to build it up I think. Expecting them to wash their own clothes when he hasn't mastered putting the clothes in a washing basket is probably setting him up for failure. I would start smaller- laundry pick up, dishes, bed, curtains, and then build up to things like washing and helping the wider house.

No food or drink upstairs is an absolute rule (apart from water).

Making a 13yo do their own laundry is a bit harsh.

I do Dts but it has to be in the laundry basket. The state of their room is up to them. They have random 'reset' days where they sort things from top to bottom but it only lasts for a few hours.

He's been doing his own laundry for a couple of years (10yo DD does her own too) and it wasn't a problem until he went into teenage mode. It's more a case of CBA than can't.