My DD(13) lives with her Dad. They moved in with his (then) new partner when she was 6. Partner had 2 older teenagers (boys) at the time. DD and I are really close and she’s a really good girl- school good, communicates well and has her head screwed on. I also rub along fine with ex hub (together since our 20s & went wrong when I had depression/anxiety and he couldn’t cope- just wanted it to all go away)
DD started to complain that partner was very negative around her around 2 years ago. It was on and off with good things in between. She also said that her Dad & partner often argued. Around the same time, partner sent me very overbearing & judgemental messages. I ignored these & thought she was having a bad day.
earlier this year, DD was yelled at by partner and told she was either a liar or an idiot (she broke a key in the door)
I told her to talk to her Dad but she wouldn’t as ‘she didn’t want to cause trouble in their relationship’
i spoke to her Dad and he said it was a moment of frustration and they’d talked it through. I found out later that he’d spoken to DD, advised her to not say anything to partner ‘as you know what she gets like’ and to come to him and he would sort things. Since then he’s dismissed several concerns of DDs & the negativity, sniping and rudeness towards her continues.
I got 2 more very snipey mean messages on WhatsApp, replied & said I’d sort with ex - and blocked his partner. Not ideal, as I’d prefer to have a nicer arrangement, but equally not up for being upset.
Last week, ex hubs was away. Partner asked DD for phone code to turn alarm off. DD said no, but she would turn alarm off. Partner went batshit- shouting, insults, wouldn’t let DD ring me because (quote) ‘she’s blocked me, she’s as pathetic as you are’ then confiscated her phone. Apparently it was real raging.
Her Dad phoned me & tried to get me onside. He then talked to DD that night and understood why she didn’t give the code out.
DD is worried that her Dad is ‘stuck’ in a situation and can’t see what’s going on. I’m not really worried about their relationship - except for the fact it is affecting DD.
I’ve finally (after a week of nagging) got ex hubs to agree to meet up and talk about this next week. He’s busy this weekend (gone to visit partner’s friends?!). I’m going to chat with him and say that it is never acceptable for DD to not be allowed to contact me, and that I don’t think it’s appropriate for partner to be in sole charge of DD.
Really though - I don’t know how to solve this or help. DD is adamant that she doesn’t want to change schools and that she would rather put up with the atmosphere than have her life changed around. Ex hubs seems to just want it to all calm down on its own and still tries to minimise things and say ‘she’s being a teenager’ etc
she is- but what adult behaves like this?
I need to play it carefully as I don’t want to alienate ex hub but I do need him to prioritise daughter and believe her. My pet theory is that DD is ‘in the way’ now because partner’s kids are adults perhaps?
help! 😔