Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage son talking in class too much

23 replies

SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 15:12

Absolutely lost as to what I can do to help my 14, nearly 15 year old son in school! He is getting detention after detention, and phone calls home, being removed from class etc for constantly talking, laughing and just generally messing around! He is generally a good boy, he is polite and happy. He is just chatty and doesn't seem to want to sit still and concentrate. His teacher of one subject today said he doesn't really know how to approach this as yet, and other than going in to school to sit with him during his lesson, i can't do much from home.

Other than taking away his games console, how can I help him?! I know he can do well in school as he is very bright. Was always in top sets in primary school and never had any problems with him. The school is quite strict and hands out detentions for just turning your head or fiddling with something, but i do know how my son is and know he talks alot. What can i do from home to help him in school??

OP posts:
TheOwlChronicles · 28/09/2023 15:19

I wouldn't be removing devices from him or punishing him at home

Just reiterate every morning that he is to let the teacher actually teach and that means no talking in class. Just tell him that he's the one it impacts, as it leads to detentions, classroom removal and him missing parts of the lesson.

And leave it at that. He's of an age where he needs to work this stuff out for himself. It's not the most heinous of crimes and if he's a good boy elsewhere, I'd go down the daily reminder route and reiterating who loses here

I had all this with my now 16 year old in years 9 and 10. I did the above. He grew out of it

SoupDragon · 28/09/2023 15:26

Have you asked him why he keeps messing about and talking?

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy · 28/09/2023 15:32

He's not "good" or "polite" though is he? Good, polite kids don't get repeatedly asked to leave to allow the other genuinely good, polite kids to learn without his disruption.

You're 100% doing the right thing to sanction at home rather than, as PP suggested, waiting for him to grow out of it.

Keep being a parent and not a friend and sanction at home. He will stop pretty fast I can promise you if you do.

Longwhiskers · 28/09/2023 15:41

Has he got much empathy? What would he say if you say his teacher works very long hard hours to teach the class and him dicking around is wasting the teacher’s time and distracting him from teaching others (which it will if the teacher is having to stop to deal with him). I’d be furious with my kid if this was the situation! Why should his desire to chat and mess about trump the desire of other kids to learn?

SingingSands · 28/09/2023 16:08

I had this with mine in Year 10. After a good phone conversation with his teacher explaining that DS was capable, but basically being a dickhead in class, I sat him down and gave him a good talking to - not a rant, just a sensible talking to.

I explained that the teacher was working, and DS was in the teacher's workplace, messing around and interrupting him. I said the teacher had 50 minutes to do his job, and spending 15 of them on telling DS to be quiet, moving him, whatever, was so disrespectful to somebody who was trying to do their job. I asked him how he would feel if he was at work and the same person kept interrupting him every day. I asked him how he'd feel if he was a student who really wanted to concentrate in that lesson, maybe because they really liked the subject, but maybe because they were struggling, and that DS had robbed them of 15 minutes of teaching.

It worked. It seemed to give him a wake up call and maybe realise his actions were pissing people off. His teacher kept in touch and I had two emails in the months that followed saying DS had improved not only in behaviour, but in his grades too. The teacher left at the end of term to move further north but he left me a voicemail at the end of term saying he was really proud of DS and how he'd turned himself around, and that he hoped he would keep it up for the new teacher!

Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 16:44

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy · 28/09/2023 15:32

He's not "good" or "polite" though is he? Good, polite kids don't get repeatedly asked to leave to allow the other genuinely good, polite kids to learn without his disruption.

You're 100% doing the right thing to sanction at home rather than, as PP suggested, waiting for him to grow out of it.

Keep being a parent and not a friend and sanction at home. He will stop pretty fast I can promise you if you do.

He actually is a very good, polite young man. I don't think being distracted and turning around in class makes him any different. He has been asked to leave the class once which was today, and on talking to my son and his teacher found out it was because he turned to another student and nodded his head. Another moment was that he turned around in class when someone made a noise.

I'm absolutely not saying he is perfect and I don't believe he is being disruptive, however, I also do not believe he is the only child in class who is being disruptive. He certainly isn't sitting there calling out, shouting, talking across the class and generally being rude. He is not a disrespectful or rude child.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 16:48

SingingSands · 28/09/2023 16:08

I had this with mine in Year 10. After a good phone conversation with his teacher explaining that DS was capable, but basically being a dickhead in class, I sat him down and gave him a good talking to - not a rant, just a sensible talking to.

I explained that the teacher was working, and DS was in the teacher's workplace, messing around and interrupting him. I said the teacher had 50 minutes to do his job, and spending 15 of them on telling DS to be quiet, moving him, whatever, was so disrespectful to somebody who was trying to do their job. I asked him how he would feel if he was at work and the same person kept interrupting him every day. I asked him how he'd feel if he was a student who really wanted to concentrate in that lesson, maybe because they really liked the subject, but maybe because they were struggling, and that DS had robbed them of 15 minutes of teaching.

It worked. It seemed to give him a wake up call and maybe realise his actions were pissing people off. His teacher kept in touch and I had two emails in the months that followed saying DS had improved not only in behaviour, but in his grades too. The teacher left at the end of term to move further north but he left me a voicemail at the end of term saying he was really proud of DS and how he'd turned himself around, and that he hoped he would keep it up for the new teacher!

I love this reply! Thank you. I will try explaining all of this to my son and hope he realises that he has the potential to do really well if he just concentrates. I think he will totally understand the being in his workplace and disrupting his work etc, he is an understanding child and really does care about other people. I understand he gets bored and loses focus, his teachers have all said he finds it difficult to sit still for long periods of time but have also said he is a pleasure to teach so that is something I guess. Thank you again, I will go with this approach and hope things will improve!

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 28/09/2023 16:53

But he's getting "detention after detention" in your words, so he isn't being polite. He's being disruptive and instead of dealing with his behaviour, you:
Minimise it
Blame the rest of the class
Reiterate he's a good boy.
Say he's bright
Of course you are going to defend your son but you are doing him no favours by this.
Make an appointment with his head of house to discuss how to move forward
Ask for class by class information on his behaviour, not his ability and discuss this with the school and your son
Find a sanction which will have an effect and use it. And keep using it til he gets the message.

Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 16:53

Longwhiskers · 28/09/2023 15:41

Has he got much empathy? What would he say if you say his teacher works very long hard hours to teach the class and him dicking around is wasting the teacher’s time and distracting him from teaching others (which it will if the teacher is having to stop to deal with him). I’d be furious with my kid if this was the situation! Why should his desire to chat and mess about trump the desire of other kids to learn?

Tbh I AM furious, but i also remember what it is like being a teenager, especially in class with your mates. He absolutely knows he needs to sit still and concentrate, he is also easily distracted as his teachers have mentioned. Of a bird flies past the window (for example) , his mind wanders elsewhere! It is more frustrating than anything as I and his teachers know he can do well, and he does do well. One teacher has explained that he doesn't sit there being disruptive the whole lesson and having long chats, It is the odd laugh or a couple of words to another student who is also talking which then becomes one too many times. He can't seem to stop himself which is the frustrating thing about it! He can't sit still and can't concentrate! He does have empathy for other people and I will explain how hard the teacher is working to get them through school and their exams and he is only doing his job. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 16:56

SoupDragon · 28/09/2023 15:26

Have you asked him why he keeps messing about and talking?

Yes. He just says he finds it really hard to concentrate for so long. If something is happening around him then his focus is lost. It is a very strict school with rules etc, he once got a detention for laughing too loud in the dining room during lunch. He also had another detention when he tripped into the assembly hall 👀 But i do know how chatty he is so most of the detentions are most definitely justifiable!

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 28/09/2023 17:02

Maybe just keep going over how destructive it is to his classmates as well as teacher, how can they learn if he is distracting others?

He's basically a year off getting a job, how will he manage to do it if he's easily distracted because let's be fair most jobs are incredibly boring at that age.

Also exams, is he willing to get thrown out of those?

Maybe look at ways to help him expand his concentration, does he read? I'm sure that's lots of resources online to help him focus for a 50-60 minute lesson.

Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 17:05

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 28/09/2023 16:53

But he's getting "detention after detention" in your words, so he isn't being polite. He's being disruptive and instead of dealing with his behaviour, you:
Minimise it
Blame the rest of the class
Reiterate he's a good boy.
Say he's bright
Of course you are going to defend your son but you are doing him no favours by this.
Make an appointment with his head of house to discuss how to move forward
Ask for class by class information on his behaviour, not his ability and discuss this with the school and your son
Find a sanction which will have an effect and use it. And keep using it til he gets the message.

He isn't getting detentions for being impolite. He is getting them for turning around in class and nodding to other students among other things of course. Yes I will stick up for my son as I know how he is, I also know that he absolutely can be chatty. I didnt blame the rest of the class. But he isn't going to be speaking to himself is he. He is a chatty, squirmy child, i know this. I wasn't blaming the school, students or his teachers, I'm blaming him as he is responsible for his own actions and how he behaves in school.

Anyway, I am trying the no console route for now as that is all I can do for now, unless the school would like me to go and sit next to him in his lessons. We've had a chat, he understands how important it is and says he is going to try his hardest to concentrate.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 17:11

Alargeoneplease89 · 28/09/2023 17:02

Maybe just keep going over how destructive it is to his classmates as well as teacher, how can they learn if he is distracting others?

He's basically a year off getting a job, how will he manage to do it if he's easily distracted because let's be fair most jobs are incredibly boring at that age.

Also exams, is he willing to get thrown out of those?

Maybe look at ways to help him expand his concentration, does he read? I'm sure that's lots of resources online to help him focus for a 50-60 minute lesson.

He loves to read! He's actually in his bedroom now reading a book before he gets ready for air cadets. Thank you for your reply, I will give him a talk every morning about not being disruptive and that he shouldn't be disrupting the other students! I don't think he realises just how important this year is to him and everybody else. It's really sad as I know he can do well if he just puts his head down and focuses. Actually he IS still doing well, he listens and does his work and conpletes it, always does his homework etc, but he gets bored and distracted easily and that's not fair on everyone else also. I will talk to him about the job prospect too, as he can't wait to have a job and earn his own money, so that's a good incentive to help! Thank you

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/09/2023 17:12

SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 16:56

Yes. He just says he finds it really hard to concentrate for so long. If something is happening around him then his focus is lost. It is a very strict school with rules etc, he once got a detention for laughing too loud in the dining room during lunch. He also had another detention when he tripped into the assembly hall 👀 But i do know how chatty he is so most of the detentions are most definitely justifiable!

Show quote history

He sounds a lot like my DS2. He has ADHD.

He isn't getting detentions for being impolite. He is getting them for turning around in class and nodding to other students among other things of course.

He's getting them for being disruptive, which is impolite.

Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 17:19

SoupDragon · 28/09/2023 17:12

He sounds a lot like my DS2. He has ADHD.

He isn't getting detentions for being impolite. He is getting them for turning around in class and nodding to other students among other things of course.

He's getting them for being disruptive, which is impolite.

Show quote history

We've had a discussion with one teacher recently who said I should get him seen for adhd. My thoughts on this though is that it seems to have onky been since he started secondary school? I know at home and during films and any quiet time he finds it hard to be quiet, stop fidgeting etc, but have never seen this as being a problem so wasn't sure.

Also yes, I know being disruptive is of course impolite. I'm not disagreeing with that. I was just saying generally he is a polite boy. Other poster assumed that he wasn't because he is disruptive, but i just meant in general and most of the time. He is a lovely boy and I'm absolutely proud of the teenager he is, he could have been a lot worse lol

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/09/2023 17:24

DS2 is a lovely young man... he can also be a massive PITA because of the ADHD 😂😂.

it might be worth looking at whether any of the "coping" strategies for ADHD will help your DS focus and be less fidgety. Even if you don't think that's what it is there might be things that can help. DS wasn't diagnosed til young adulthood but it was obvious he had it really. It didn't cause problems until he was let loose on independent life at university though.

Original poster
SadAndHappy · 28/09/2023 17:29

SoupDragon · 28/09/2023 17:24

DS2 is a lovely young man... he can also be a massive PITA because of the ADHD 😂😂.

it might be worth looking at whether any of the "coping" strategies for ADHD will help your DS focus and be less fidgety. Even if you don't think that's what it is there might be things that can help. DS wasn't diagnosed til young adulthood but it was obvious he had it really. It didn't cause problems until he was let loose on independent life at university though.

Thank you so much! This is a brilliant idea. I will look into coping strategies and also discuss with his school. Also amazing to hear your son went on to university! Thank you again, I really hope I can get through to him.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 28/09/2023 18:20

@SadAndHappy it's nice to see an OP that responds nicely 😂all the best for your son, I'm sure he will find a good way to focus his energy.

CurlewKate · 28/09/2023 18:26

I did a deal with my son when he had a similar issue at about this age. I agreed with the school that his teacher would mark a card for him at the end of every lesson when he behaved appropriately, and if he managed a week with all lessons ticked he got a reward. I know some people will disapprove, but it worked-he just needed the reminder.

Newuser75 · 28/09/2023 18:53

My son is younger but can be like this too. He has just been diagnosed with adhd. Apparently primary school is a lot easier for them to cope but when they get to secondary it's just more difficult for them and signs show more.

maryberryslayers · 28/09/2023 19:27

Tell them to sit him on a desk on his own, at the back of the room. Then he can't turn around or disturb the person sitting next to him.

Halfachristmas · 10/07/2024 16:16

Just wondering if you had any success with any of the suggested approaches to this

Original poster
SadAndHappy · 11/07/2024 07:37

Tbh, he sort of just grew up and sorted himself out. He still has the occasional moment just like any other human. But it has improved massively and he's doing well! A lot of the responses on here made me laugh and wamted to condemn my teenager for being a chatterbox lol but I'm glad I didn't have their approach or their attitude towards the situation. Just be patient!! ❤️

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page