At wits end with teenage son

[user1470739004]

Sorry this is a long one.

Our 16 year old is very immature. He is in his final year of school and still keeps getting into silly trouble at school. (Nothing major just not doing homework EVER / constantly messing in class) he says he doesn't like school (apart from the social aspect) and wants to leave and do a trade but doesn't have any idea what trade (he worked on the building sites with his dad during the summer and doesn't seem to like working either) he is quiet lazy in general and has to be asked multiple times to carry out simple tasks.

The school suggested I get him accessed last year for ADHD, However our GP reported back to me after about a month that cams do not see any need to have him accessed and that was the end of that. It costs €900 for private assessment and over a years waiting list. However we were told if we go this route, it is more or less a diagnosis only and can't prescribe medication.

We have tried different alternative methods ourself like diet, supplements, exercise, kinesiology but he thinks this is all nonsense. He believes himself he has ADHD (we strongly suspect it too) but he won't even try to help himself - under no circumstances will he even take supplements in the morning. It's like he literally decides before we even suggest anything he is going to do the opposite.

His friend group wouldn't be great either, we caught him vaping and smoking weed last year and ever time he is in trouble, the exact same people are involved (as far as we know he hasn't been vaping/smoking weed since) his friends are in constant trouble (minor thing but just all the time and they parents never bat an eyelid) he insists we are too strict if we ground him for getting yet another detention. (I really don't think we are too strict, he has a dirt bike, is allowed to go to parties, have a few drinks etc - we just insist he behaves himself and no vaping/drugs)

We are seriously trying to pick our battles with him but he just won't listen to a word we say. He has sports most evenings but often skips them. He also doesn't seems a bit depressed but won't talk to us as he says it turns into s lecture every time.

His school are be quiet good and giving him exceptions from languages, special consideration during exams, movement breaks etc.

Where do we go from here? Any time we punish/ground him, he gets really down - to the point where we are worried about him hurting himself. If we ignore some of the behaviour, it just seems to get worst. If we try talk to him, he says we are lecturing him. He is not happy but also no interest in doing anything fun (apart from walking around town but his friends who are always in trouble)

If you think he has ADHD, I would fight harder for that assessment. If you go private, of course they can prescribe medication. The only issue is that you have go get it prescribed privately, which means paying for it privately, at least for a while. Most GPs will do "shared care" after a while, but only once the medication levels have been confirmed over time and there's definitely no ill effects on the child.

It isn't cheap though. For the assessment process, consultation etc, we paid almost £1500. The meds are currently costing roughly £100 per month - we're still working it out so it's different every time.

One of the most interesting aspects of talking to the specialist about DS has been the comments around the behaviour and psychological aspects outside of just his inability to focus etc. In our case, sleep is a huge issue. He has spent time talking to us about mental health and depression (which mostly, we seem to be fine on and DS isn't struggling with that). DS has been bullied in the past - turns out that's another common aspect of children with ADHD - they become targets.

The point is that it's more complex than just "focusing at school" and that is not well understood. I certainly didn't understand that before.

[edited as pressed post before I added final sentence]

Thanks @GingerIsBest our GP is useless really, I tried arguing that he really needs to be accessed but he basically just says nothing he can do - cams fault etc. I will try again though.

Thanks I must look into private assessments again so, I read somewhere that psychologists cant prescribe meds.

I don't think your problem is that you're too strict. You're not strict enough.

So many kids have ADHD and depression and other mental issues these days. The labels are meaningless as far as I'm concerned. I work with older kids and my colleagues and I increasingly think that medicalizing what is pretty standard teen behaviour is not helping people. When nearly everyone in a class/lecture hall is either crying out for help or can't get it together, then it's simply impossible to provide help for everyone. There aren't enough resources and people like me are burned out.

I don't intend to be harsh, but I do want to be realistic. Unless your son is at risk of doing something really extreme, he is not going to get the support he needs to get his life together. What he needs is parents who can raise him to be an independent adult. That's where we're failing kids.

How is he able to afford money for alcohol, weed, and vapes? How does he have time to have friends who are a bad influence? How on Earth does he have a dirt bike? He is 16. In only two years, he will be an adult in the eyes of the law and it will be very difficult for him to access educational opportunities if he messes up now.

Please don't be yet another parent who expects overwhelmed professionals to fix your child. It won't happen. There's not enough funding. You need to parent him now. If he has time and money for drugs and alcohol that will scramble his brain, if he is immature, then you are doing something wrong. I'm not old and when I was that age, I was spending every waking moment either studying or working for money to get out of my dead-end town. Like it or not, that is how the world works--that 16-year-olds need to be working hard in order to be able to take the next steps towards a stable future.

Take away the money, the drugs, the alcohol, the dirt bike. If he wants to be able to afford luxuries, he will work for them. Your GP clearly also doesn't think there's anything wrong with him that parenting wouldn't fix. Stop trying to medicalize him and make him step up. If you don't, you will be condemning his future and creating a rod for your own back.

Psychologists can't prescribe meds. But as far as I'm aware, an ADHD diagnosis has to be done by a psychiatrist, who CAN. So you should be looking for a private paediatric psychiatrist, not a psychologist.

Incidentally, a psychiatric assessment for ADHD on the NHS in our area is not done through CAMHS. It's done from the GP and then you see the specialist, usually associated with a hospital. But it does take a while.