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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Please help me to help my dd.

7 replies

Utterlypeanuterly · 27/09/2023 21:08

My dd is 16. She is currently being assessed for autism. She had a horrible time for the first couple of years of secondary school. She was excluded from her original friendship group. She really went through hell with anxiety and upset to the point of school refusal. She had counselling and to her credit she managed to get back on track. She finally has a little group of friends. It is a relatively new group of girls who have had their own struggles and are quite vulnerable. For the first time she is actually happy in school.
A new girl started in her year when school started this year and they were asked to show her around. However she hasn't made any effort to find friends or talk to anyone else. She doesn't ever talk much or seem to enjoy being part of the group and dd says she clearly dislikes one of the other girls.

Dd is really stressed. She said her friends are finding it difficult to relax with her always around. She is terrified it will affect her friendship group but at the same time she realises what it is like to have no friends.
I am at a loss at what to advise her.

I want her to be kind but she has had a hard time. She has big exams coming up and having friends has helped her to cope so much better in school.
Has anyone any advice?
Thanks

OP posts:
Dumbles · 27/09/2023 21:14

I guess there has to be some give and take. She can’t just always include her if the girls making no effort back. Give her a bit of time to settle in and keep being nice to her. However, think it’s fine to keep hanging out with their original group if she doesn’t seem to like one of them and not invite her to everything. At the end of the day she’s had a bad time in the past too and need to prioritise her own happiness sometimes.

Utterlypeanuterly · 27/09/2023 21:23

It's been weeks now and no improvement. She's with them for every break and lunchtime.
They've tried to make her feel welcome and have also introduced her to other girls but she doesn't make any effort at all.
Dd feels she doesn't even really like her or her friends but just doesn't have other options.

OP posts:
Utterlypeanuterly · 27/09/2023 22:01

Does anyone think I should contact the school?
They are aware of dd's previous issues and were the ones who suggested we have her assessed.

OP posts:
Utterlypeanuterly · 28/09/2023 08:21

I've had this thread moved to the Teenager section.
Has anyone any advice?
Thanks

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 28/09/2023 08:25

I would keep out as much as possible but maybe send a email to tutor and say maybe this girl isn't settling in as well as she could, tell them they might want to look and see if they can help her make other friends.

rainbowstardrops · 28/09/2023 08:48

Seeing as your daughter has had her own struggles but is now largely back on track, I think I'd email her tutor and say it's not really working out and they may need to support the new girl with friendship groups/pastoral care

FartSock5000 · 28/09/2023 09:37

Tell your daughter that it is okay to let this girl go. It's not her job to take care of the lost souls. She is probably a really lovely, empathetic person who understands how it feels to be the odd one out but she cannot fix this on her own.

Tell her she can lead a horse to water but she can't make it drink. She's done enough, now she can let go and focus on her other friends.

If the other girl really wants to be in their group, she will start making efforts.

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