13 year old with a boyfriend

[Upsanddownsaplenty]

Hi,

we have a situation unfolding here and I’m looking for advice or tips please.

my stepdaughter is 13. She lives with her mother and stays with us 2 nights a week.

last year when she was 12 she started “dating” a boy from school. Apparently they meet outside of school at a friends house and snog and do god knows what else. They were then subsequently caught sending each other rude photos and videos of themselves.

her mother is lazy and sees her kids as a cash cow and nothing more so she took her phone off her and then gave it back because it’s easier than having to deal with her.

when she comes to our house she sits in her room and face times her boyfriend constantly. She won’t come downstairs at all except for meals. My partner overheard them talking dirty to each other and went in her room to take her phone away. She refused to hand it over and bit him! This was about 5 or 6 months ago.

She was at ours last night and at midnight he had to go into her room to take the phone and again she bit him.

I’ve said to him that a 13 year old should not be biting. She’s not 3 and he says that she knows it’s wrong. I say that she can’t think it’s that wrong if she’s now done it twice and he just says what else can he do as she will not want to come so he’s terrified of upsetting her. Her mother said to him when he told her that he had had to take the phone again “do what you want but I’m not having her in the huff when she comes home”.

she has no rules and boundaries at all. her mum allows her to wear what she likes (really inappropriate clothes for her age, she’s very well developed and when we go out men are literally ogling her, not having a clue that she’s a child because she looks a lot older. She watches Netflix all night long, even on school nights and she’s allowed to watch anything she wants, so watches programmes with adult content.

I’ve told her dad that she’s going to end up pregnant and he agrees and has spoken to her mum to get her to take her to the doctors but she can’t be bothered and says that she wouldn’t be able to get her to go in with her.

Anyone got any advice on dealing with this?

I know in my day, if I’d bitten my dad, I wouldn’t have been able to sit down for a week but times have changed.

Taking a phone off a teen is often a glass point. I'd suggest limiting wifi/data access initially. Then develop some mutually agreed rules around what time the phone comes out of her room.

Regarding contraception, why is your tone accusational? All teens should have quality contraception advice at this age. Why can't you and her Dad give it? Doesn't need to be a doctor even. Talk her through some options so she can make an informed decision.

@Blough He can only have her two nights a week because that’s all he gets off work because he has to work so many hours to pay the mum child support so before you get on your high horse find out the fact.

Is the boyfriend older? Report him to social services.

I’m not on a high horse, thanks 😄. He’d have less maintenance to pay if he parented his kid more. If the mother is so awful he should have got court ordered access years ago. It’s on him.

Or talk to the Safeguarding lead at her school.
Anyone can report a safeguarding concern about a child via that child's school.

She won’t speak about anything. She just loses her temper and try’s to run away. That’s why her mum says that she wouldn’t even get her into a doctors surgery to try and get her the pill or whatever. It’s very hard to talk to her about things she doesn’t want to talk about because she ends up getting physical.

No he’s in her year at school.

Ok thank you, you’ve been very helpful.

@Upsanddownsaplenty I would talk to safeguarding about both of them to be honest.
Two 13 year olds shouldn't be in that situation.

Ok, thank you, we will look into that.

Thank you, we will do.

Gosh, what a bunch of weak and spineless adults. She's a 13 yo girl. If I need to take a phone off my 15yo six foot son I still can. Not that I need to because I've raised him to behave like a civilised adult.

Why doesn't your lily-livered partner impose some rules. No phones overnight would be a good one. Remove the router. Help her to buy appropriate clothing. Make her understand that violence has consequences.

His daughter needs some support and guidance to protect her and give her half a chance of a decent life. He needs to step up. What is stopping him from taking her to a GP? Or is that 'woman's work'? 🙄

Oh yeah of course all children have at least one parent that doesn't work don't they?

He can reduce his hours, pay less, have her full time, could have used childcare when she was younger.

So don't give the fact that he works as an excuse. Many mothers work long hours too and manage to parent successfully. No reason he can't.

1. change phone contract to one with much less data
2. put controls on wifi so certain sites can’t be accessed at all and others can only be accessed during certain hours
3. educate yourselves and then her about the law regarding making and sharing images of minors
4. father should make an appointment for daughter with a nurse to discuss contraception — or simply ask what she knows about contraception and which method she plans to use
5. biting should not be tolerated, nor should disrespect. There must be penalties — no phone for the rest of the day; No wifi; no going out, etc. Who provides “pocket money”? It should be clear that pocket money isn’t a “right”, it carries responsibilities and can be adjusted according to behaviour

Thanks to the people that suggested contacting safeguarding. We are going to try that route.

To all the others that have clearly read the all paperwork for the custody fight and maintenance agreements and the pension of his that she gets, or the house that he lost because he paid so much in court fees you haven’t been so helpful.

A word of advice, you don’t know all the facts about people’s lives and situations so instead of jumping on your keyboards to talk crap try sorting your own shit shows out.

@Upsanddownsaplenty
Wow.

I can understand why you feel defensive OP. You are in a difficult position hearing what the bitch ex is doing and thinking/knowing your partner is the best dad out there. Who knows what's true or not? But it actually doesn't matter one bit. It's about what happens from now. Your partner can step up, the same as the mum can. There are two parents here and you as a support figure, if you want to be, you don't have to. But this is a child. The grown ups need to either get on the same page or someone needs to step up. You say mum won't so your partner is the only hope this little girl has.