Talking to your teen

[Bobsledgirl]

All of the articles and guidance on teenagers is about communication and talking.my 17 yo has basically stopped talking to us about anything of consequence. Always too busy or too tired. Always in her room or out.

Shes gone from a chatty girl to one who tells us the bare minimum. I don’t know her friends for example. I have no idea really what’s going on in her head. She seems fine. Works hard at sixth form and holds down a Saturday job.

I try and chat in the car or at night but she gives the bare minimum. I need to talk to her because she’s grown up so much in last 12 months. I want to be able to discuss sex and drug’s because I’m pretty sure there’s some weed smoking and maybe a boyfriend. But because she isn’t up for talking any discussion ends up a one sided lecture where she rolls her eyes. I can’t tell her anything because ‘I know all of this’.

It’s so hard.I really need to talk to her about university for example, but I cannot pin her down. How can I get her to open up a bit more?

I used to get a lot out of my teen DD when driving so a few times we would go for a drive (with snacks!)
She couldn't escape from the car!

Are you trying to get her to confide in you or are you wanting to impose your views?

I'd focus on trying to have chats about anything, leave the serious topics aside for a bit.

She’s 17, it’s up to her to sort university etc.
Perhaps she doesn’t want to talk Uni because she’s thinking of not going, but you’d be disappointed. Lots of kids choosing apprenticeships now instead.

She can go to university or not but I do need to know as we will have to plan for it financially. I won’t be disappointed either way.

(Do parents really let their kids sort university though? Everyone I know seems to be helping kids with UCAS forms or planning visits.)

I don’t want her to spill her secrets but I do need to feel confident that she knows and understand so about sex and drugs.

the car idea doesn’t really work either as she basically just says ‘I can’t be bothered to talk’

Agreed that you have to talk about non serious things to establish a norm of talking. If you just jump in with the serious topics it feels like a lecture.

Do you spend any time together? Family dinner times, watching TV, going shopping, getting a coffee? Suggest one of these activities and see if she wants to.

You're not alone. Getting info about of DS is like getting blood out of a stone. And because he volunteers absolutely nothing, car journeys have turned into me interrogating him so he gets mad and puts his headphones on.

I'm hoping this will better in 5 years time. I miss my son.

Yes, my kids have sorted their own Uni out. I was just a taxi for visits for one, the other went themselves and with sixth form.

At 17 you have left it way too late to talk about sex and drugs!
It's small talk you need. So that you are easy to talk to. You are not the fountain of information anymore, she is making it very clear to you that she is a sensible person and doesn't need or want advice from you.
Do you do anything together? Cook, watch TV?.Walk the dog? Chit chat - be interested in what she's doing, ask (a very few) questions about her job?

Not every 17 year old is the typical Mumsnet independent adult completely autonomous ready to leave home and probably raise a family. Most of them still need support and parenting.

OP-it's fine to ask about University. Phrase it in the way you have here-as a purely practical thing. Does she need money to travel to open days, for example.

"the car idea doesn’t really work either as she basically just says ‘I can’t be bothered to talk"

I had this conversation with mine much earlier where I basically pointed out the amount of time I listened to them pap on about <insert thing she was obsessed about> and all the times I watched shitty children's tv programs, all the parties I had taken them to where the parents have to hang around, every ride they have been on where I have to stand and wave. I pointed out that I am a person, not just a Mum, I have been a teenager too. And quite frankly if she can't be bothered to talk to you then you can't be bothered to drive her anywhere, do her laundry, pay for her phone or whatever else you do for her

How fucking dare she roll her eyes at you. She isn't better than you, she is just a kid who thinks she probably knows everything. As for conversations about drugs or sex you can't extract that information from her. But you can do I read about this or did you know about that conversations where you lay out consequences of people's actions. Both of mine like MN and stuff going on on here. They are 20 and 17 year old boys.

I would try to reconnect over a tv show or talk over dinner. We have family dinners every night where we all chat and watch some shows together so we talk about that afterwards too.

Re uni, if she is expecting you to help finance it then I would start to talk to her about her plans even if nothing concrete just does she plan to go, assuming she is year 12.

It seems that you need to change your strategy, as it isn't working.

You aren't "letting your dd sort uni"-it's her business. The financial side is yours. Maybe she feels you are too involved in her life, now she's nearly an adult. It's normal for them to pull away somewhat -it helps them grow up.

At 17 she should already be aware of safe sexual practices and the consequences of drugs, from friends, school assemblies, things online. These kinds of conversations I was having with mine when they got to 14/15. Regarding UCAS forms, I don't know any parent who helped. That's what sixth form and college tutors are for. They do it every year and know the ins and outs of it. All I did was accompany my dd to the open days when she asked me to. Do you ever go out together, shopping, coffee or lunch? Sometimes they're the best times for mother/daughter chats.

I have had sex and drugs conversation before but she’s suddenly grown up very quickly and I think her exposure to all that has massively ramped up with a new college environment and friends. I suppose I just want her to feel she can talk to me if necessary and that she keeps herself safe.

I do try to connect and sometimes we do but at the moment she’s like a mysterious stranger that comes and goes in the house, occasionally having a conversation,

Sometimes texting helps with mine as he's often at a friend's house. Not ideal but better than nothing. Car we do usually get one decent chat a drive. And then sometimes I'll go and chat to him later at night if I can't sleep. He's usually more keen to chat then as there are fewer distractions.

It's hard though. We're really close and even then we have weeks where he disconnects, I worry, and it all gets a bit tough.

Definitely tough

I used to watch programmes or films with mine - discussing drugs or sex when it's about a character on tv is much better and less cringy than talking about them.