DS13 getting bullied at school - he’s just miserable.

[totallyfedup]

This is DSs second year in high school, last year he didn’t have the best year. We reckon he has undiagnosed ADHD (I’ve raised concerns but GP wouldn’t send him for testing and school don’t think he’s that bad) he’s young for his age and I think high school shocked him at first. Loads of little first year (we’re in Scotland) wannabe hard men want to pick fights. He had a few friends from primary school but his primary school was a really small one so got quickly swallowed up.

He had a few instances last year of boys picking on him calling him names etc he says if he reacts they say he wants to fight them.

Tgis year seemed to be going better but recently he’s been saying that he’s been getting picked on again usually by a group of boys but especially this particular one. He said today in drama the other boy went on and on about him having a vagina (ridiculous I know 13 year old boys) the other day it was his hair cut or that he’s too skinny. It always seems to be something. He hates going to school and I just think it’s so sad for him.

DH spoke to him tonight and said to him to tell the boy to shut the f up and if he threatens to fight him say c’mon then! I said no so DH said he will phone DSs guidance teacher (he’s useless as I’ve dealt with him in the past).

poor DD3 says that’s just the way it is now and that they will find something to pick on you about and she regularly gets called a ginger bitch and a lesbian for wearing trousers. DD1 says it wasn’t like that for her though. I just feel so sad that this is my DCs experience of high school.

any advice?

Can you move him? I was bullied as a kid and I look back now and wonder why my parents didn't just pull me out of there.

Even if the new school technically isn't so good that can't compare to having your self esteem crushed in this way.

Yes absolutely take this up with the school. Make both boys on their radar. Make a strong point you do not tolerate bullying . Ask for their remediation plan. Ask for their escalation process so you know how to progress this if bullying unresolved. Ensure this troublemaker is dealt with by the school and keep being an arse to the school each time it happens.

Go straight to the head teacher request a meeting. No bullshitting, you mean business

I'd contact the school about both kids. One is having homophobic bullying and the other plain old bullying.

Get a copy of their bullying policy. I'd actually check if there's any national guidance too - I'm sure there is re the homophobic stuff in Scotland.

I don't know the procedures but it's definitely worth going in.

Also, might be an idea to let DH do it, with you backing him up. It sounds like they school accepts a culture of boys being tough guys so likely the school that tolerates that will place more weight on a man's voice...

1: go to school, see a senior leader, explain it needs to be sorted
2: start looking for alternative schools, move him if school doesn't act decisively and quickly
3: tell your DH to stop it, he's not helping by putting it all onto your son.

I have been through this with my 13 year old last year being bullied and excluded at his school, it's heart breaking! I was a believer in 'hitting back' but in reality it doesn't always work like that. For one the worst bullies in my sons case were girls, for another he is a quiet kid and not aggressive at all. Even though he does martial arts, he would never want to be in an uncontrolled fight.

If you can I would look around for other schools. We moved our son to a school which is very alternative and attracts a lot of musical/arty types. It's like another world, he is just so happy there and has gained his self confidence back. I really regret leaving him at the other school as long as I did because it was just crushing him.

This school sounds utterly ghastly op

You don’t mention engaging with the school once?

in any event - this is not a school I would want either of my children at

in the short term - might be worth seeing about an outside of school club he might be interested to join. Does he do anything? Interested in anything? When my DD was going through a bit of a tough time… her hockey club on a Sunday was her saviour

High school is no different now than it was when I was there...and I'm 48. The nasty bastards run amuck and unchecked while we continue to stuff unhappy, bullied kids into unescapable school buildings to be at their mercy. Nothing is really done about it. There are sympathetic faces of course and policies and staff who would genuinely like to help but the whole system supports a bullying culture and while it does, nothing is going to change. It's sink or swim.

I think it's awful that parents are expected to send kids in for daily abuse...or from the child's pov, to have to go in to receive it. I get angry when I think about it.

Kids are mean. They can target anyone and make their life hell.

Dd13 gets called a lesbian, trans. She's non of those things not that it's acceptable but I'm just saying they can make up random things just for something to say.

They say her hair is thin, she's ginger also so you can imagine the comments.

Dd11 is in her 3rd week so time will tell.

They just think they are clever and pick on the less intimidating people. My Dh says exactly the same as your DH.

I don't have any advice sorry,

Absolutely contact the school. He will have a guidance teacher/Head of House. Phonecall first to alert them, then ask for a meeting. Make the point that he's been bullied for two years now and is miserable. Check their website for a bullying policy and identify where the school need to take action. Be aware that they will not tell you about the other pupil but should tell you what the plan for your son is.

I would contact the school about both your DC being bullied.
I would also be looking to move them to a different school. Not just because of the bullying but also because of their ableist refusal to refer your DS for ADHD assessment because they don’t think it’s “that bad”. They’re not qualified to say that.

I would be looking to move OP

If an adult friend described this to you about a work situation - what would you say?

This sounds like a toxic environment.

It would empower your son if you took him to see other schools - he could at least know you were hearing what he is saying

your husbands advice is terrible!

Update - DH phoned the school and asked to speak to head of year, she was supposed to phone him back but never did 😡 he will phone again Tuesday

re: ADHD situation I don’t think I explained it correctly, firstly I work in the ASN field and although I can’t diagnose ADHD I’ve been on many courses to say that I’m certain DS has it. But he can keep it relatively under wraps at school although throughout Primary he was told off for being a fidget, not concentrating, not being able to sit at peace etc. I asked the GP a referral for a diagnosis and got a letter back to say that he wouldn’t be getting a referral at this point and if he was having difficulty at school to contact the school for support and here’s for websites 😡 Parents Night last year I raised my concerns with his teachers and they were surprised, apparently in most classes he is well behaved. He even got a certificate at the end of the year for achievement!! He said he gets told off a lot for making silly noises and fidgeting. At home he can’t sit still, cant concentrate, I have to tell him something twice and make him repeat it back to me, he’s away in his own works most of the time (special interest) he interrupts conversations and is very impulsive he’s a classic tick box.

He also doesn’t like football unlike 99% of the other boys at the school so he will stand out. I think all this impulsiveness, talking to himself makes him stand out too.

As for moving schools, I don’t know if that would even be a solution, DD2 was at another school and was bullied for being different. They also failed to do anything about her suspected ASD she actually ended up leaving a year early and going to college where thankfully she’s thrived.

I totally understand OP. My 13 yo in same situation. School have a strong anti-bullying policy and try to help but…it’s not one or two boys that could be named and easily dealt with. It’s a culture of low level chronic micro aggressions he lives with every day. Pushing in corridors, name calling, pens being thrown out of windows. It wears him down.

I’m just trying to move schools. Not easy though as the choice is limited. I wish I had an answer.

It's a lovely coat. The make is very popular at the monent.

The problem is because it's designer/expensive, you'll very likely find the kids are bullying him out of sheer jealousy, because he will most definitely be standing out from the rest.

I would move them. That's no way to live. Why should they have to deal with that? All schools are not like that. I'd look at other schools. I'd pay close attention to what the children are like. Try to have a chat with a few. Ask them if they are happy coming in in the mornings. I'd move them to a school where the atmosphere is friendly.

Not always easy to just move school. I tried for my DD. All schools were full and couldn’t get her in

Can you make a parent request for an EHCP? This is needs based and might provide evidence to pursue diagnosis plus it might get him an EHCP and additional support. Hop across to the SEN form for support with this.

I don’t condone hitting back either but it’s a difficult situation. My son does boxing lessons and has a fabulous coach who is an excellent role model and not a thug. Maybe ju jitsu, boxing lessons or similar would boost his internal confidence. Some people just give off a ‘don’t try it with me vibe’ and they get left alone.

School should be dealing with this but if they’re not on board and faffing/covering up aim to get him out of there.

Good luck OP!