Self contained / quiet teen. Should I worry?

[PeppermintPiggy]

DS (16) has always been introverted but in the last year or two has become really self contained.

Has a small group of friends that he occasionally socialises with online. Never face to face.

Lives in his bedroom, plays computer games, will talk about computer games but not much else.

Impeccable behaviour (though quiet) at school and excellent exam results. Does homework, chores, etc without being asked.

Had a hobby outside the home but that was paused and lost momentum during the pandemic and he chose to give it up. Will come out for a walk or dinner if on holiday but otherwise prefers to stay in, not interested in common teen pursuits. Not the least bit interested in clothes or material goods.

He’s a wonderful young man - kind, thoughtful, clever and quirky. But nobody else gets to see it! He claims if asked to be perfectly content and gives no obvious signs of angst. He just says he doesn’t like people that much. I’m an introvert too so maybe it’s partly down to that?

Should I worry / be trying to get him out in the world more? Or leave him in peace and to be his own wonderful (quiet) self?

Hi OP, it sounds like you have a wonderful son! From what you’ve said he sounds a lot like my DS who’s a bit younger but equally as introverted but well behaved etc. Personally, I would take a middling approach the matter. Do you know what his ambitions are after secondary school? Does he want to go to university? I ask because whilst it’s amazing that he’s doing so well and is great at helping out and doing chores unprompted (which can’t be said with most his age) he also is perhaps missing out on the social side of things. I understand he has friends that he interacts with online although it’s not meeting the same needs as face to face. Socialising especially at that age is important for his future wellbeing, because no matter what happens, when he’s older he will be forced into social situations and some may be uncomfortable, therefore, I think him finding a small hobby outside of the house will prepare him more for adult life. Saying this, I wouldn’t force him out the door or anything, more just gentle words of encouragement.

Would he consider a weekend job ? He might prefer more adult company, and it would make him socialise.

Not much incentive for him to work, as he never spends money (has thousands untouched in savings from years of pocket / birthday / Christmas money). I agree that he might benefit from being around adults more. He is certainly mature beyond his years. But the main blocker is he’s quite content living his life and I don’t want to make him feel he’s doing anything wrong in being himself.

He does want to go to university and ironically the career he wants to follow is very people-y!

@PeppermintPiggy

I came on to start a similar thread about my DS17, who is just the same. He has a job at the local pub, which gets him out. He has a couple of friends who he has probably seen 1/2 dozen times in the last year!

I go from accepting it because he genuinely doesn't seem unhappy, to worrying, because I don't think it's normal. He had friends up until about Year 9, and then that was it.

Sorry if I've hijacked your post but just wanted to say you're not alone, but wished I could give some advice or reassurance.

I'm happy to just chat about it if you'd like and if it helps to get your thoughts out?

Well, what kind of social/professional life, attitude to friendships and to other people in general are you modelling?

My DD is 14.on her 11th birthday she had 5 friends to go to a climbing centre.
Roll on 2 yrs- no pals.
Stopped going out
Started staying in her room a lot gaming. Became v quiet near monosyllabic.
Model student in school
Grade A student.
Well I worried and worried. Thought She was autistic- like abnormally quiet.
I have now realised she is navigating school.
Enjoys the gaming
Engages with us a bit.
Plays sport in school so at least has team mates
I now realise Secondary school might not be her fit. That college will more so. She talks about college. So im chilling in actual fact as I have chilled She has been happier!! Im just leaving her alone as She is happy!!!
Relax OP if you can. Secondary doesnt suit/ fit every child .

I would get him doing work experience or a part time job related to his career interests. He will think of it in the same category as studying hard for exams and won’t realise that he’s getting exposure to people and socialisation.

I have a similar DS. It's great but i do share your concerns.

One thing that has worked here is a volunteer role. I think it works better than a paid role at the mo as there is less pressure (and less competition for the job..!) and more flexibility but he gets the socialisation (charity shop) and used to doing tasks as required by a job. He also gets fussed over by lot of ladies of a certain age 😀. He's now vaguely talking about a paid job but it was a good stepping stone. Also v useful for his UCAS statement (useful carrot if you need it)

Is he content? Or is he feeling like he's missing out? That's the crucial difference.
My son is Mr Go go go. He has to be out and about. He can't sit still. On days off (he's 20 works full time) he's still up early, going for a run, going to the gym, chatting to the neighbours... the pandemic was hell for him.
My (18) year old daughter is very self contained. She goes out for one night then declares that's her socialising done for six months. She finds people exhausting. But she's perfectly happy - she doesn't much care what other people think. She's a creative and academic (three A stars). She is on a year long course, and more that someone approached her that she has made friends. But she's not at all interested in seeing them outside of class.
So if your son feels ok and happy, leave him be.

I've got a dd very similar. I used to really worry about her and try and encourage her to go out. She just prefers her own company. She does have a couple of close friendships but she doesn't physically see them that much. She's in her early twenties now and she sees them every couple of months. She lovessssss her studies (she's studying in uni but lives at home). I was always worried that she was unhappy but she really isn't. She goes into uni twice a week and that's enough for her she finds the other people irritating lol. She holds down a part time job and has a small online business herself.

I just remind myself that my definition of being happy is not the same as hers.

If he's happy in himself, and you are sure that he isn't being sucked into anything untoward online, then there's nothing to worry about at all.

Does he get much in the way of fresh air and exercise though?

He’s content in himself I’d say. He is comfortable in his skin and knows his own mind. Never has been a crowd follower. He is the definition of JOMO (joy of missing out)! But he is very stoic so I worry I might miss subtle signs of him feeling lonely or unhappy. But he gets annoyed if he feels I’m asking him how he is too often 😄

I am as sure as one ever can be he’s not into anything dodgy online, he lives and breathes computer games.

He goes to sixth form so at least gets out of the house and does some walking around town.

Oh, he sounds a lot like my 16 ds. I think society often pushes the agenda that you have to be all things, all the time, to all people. It can cause a parent to worry when there is no need. I thought about it more when he was a younger teen, now I'm pleased he knows his own mind and if he's content in himself, then that's the only opinion that counts.

DS17 is the same as many described here. I am a huge extrovert so I worried about this for a long time but he is genuinely happy. He picks his friends carefully and will socialise but only if it is an activity he wants to do e.g. if they are going to the cinema he will only go if it is a film he wants to see.

He is very into the things he is into and football has been his way of being out there but not needing to be overly social. When he was younger he very much owned what is a level of geekiness, which he still does, he doesn't change for others or make decisions based on others but he wears it just a little less openly these days.

He is very shy in 1:1 situations these days, he doesn't like pointless chit chat. We went to visit a uni and he didn't say a word for 3h on the train except when I spoke to him. He is very confident speaking to a room presenting, but is really struggling to walk into a shop and ask if they have a vacancy. Like the OP's DS he doesn't really need the money, he has a small job with a friend of our's and is fine with that.

In short, I just want to say I think all our DC sound wonderful and pretty content, like they know what they like and don't like and don't want to compromise around that.

You've described my ds (15). He is equally unconcerned about his social life, gets on ok with everyone at school, says he is happy, will come out with me and has a couple of hobbies outside the home but doesn't seem very sociable.
Games online, laughs a lot at YouTube videos.

No issues with food/ money/body/ smoking etc.
I just include him in everything I can, but let him be as he wishes.

I have a son just the same. Happy and social in school and extra curricula activities. Comes home and loves his own company. Will come out with us and 90% is social with his family. I used to worry but have accepted that as long as he’s happy, all is good.

Ah, all your kind words have been very reassuring to me!

At that age I was out getting up to all kinds of trouble, so at least I don’t have the same worries that my mother did 😄

At this age I would consider encouraging a job that involves interaction with a team - a shop or when he's a bit older a pub.

What is the career area he's interested in? It might give ideas for volunteer work or hobbies that are related

I would rejoice! But definitely ensure he gets a lot of fresh air.

I have a similar DS age 17. He's quiet and shy, has a small group of good friends at school but doesn't socialise with them much outside school. He does play football but doesn't really hang out with his team mates apart from training and matches. I really recognise what @StColumbofNavron said - he'll only go to the cinema with friends if it's a film he really wants to see, whereas DD or I would just go if our friends were going. I used to worry about him a lot when he was younger, but I've accepted that he is just different from me and seems happy. He's even got a girlfriend these days! (She's also quiet and shy.)

My youngest is very similar. No need to fit in and follow the crowd, doesn't seek approval, knows his own mind and does his own thing. I love that he has that mindset, he's really happy, kind, polite and thoughtful. The worst thing l could do is force him to be something he's not.