I think we are all depressed, and I don’t know what to do.

[Moomoola]

We’ve had some Tough Times, and at Xmas DD ( then 17) just vanished to be with her partner. The partner has had puberty blockers and testosterone which DD said affected her MH. they now live with partners mum, who DD also said had bad MH. She now doesn’t contact us or her bf at all. Very, very hurtful and confusing.

live posted on a different thread about this and have had my sanity saved by you guys. Now I’m posting about DS 15. He goes to his room to play on the computer All.The Time. He is doing well academically but doesn’t like the nerds he’s got stuck with. He doesn’t talk, eats dinner and legs it upstairs again to the computer. I don’t know how to get him out. His mates ( go to a different school) school apparently don’t do anything in the week. They all have big families and are otherwise occupied at weekends- DS won’t ask anyone round and just seems bored, even with the computer.

We are me and DH, but DH is knackered and in bed watching TV by 8. It’s very boring and lonely for me, I hope not for DS but I think he’s depressed and obv missing his sister. I can feel my own mood slipping. I just don’t think he’s having, or had, much fun.

It feels like we are 3 strangers in a boarding house. i don’t know how to negotiate this. At all.
advice please!

This sounds so very hard, I really feel for you, and I can totally relate. Many people's posts on here are reassuring, in terms of the time teenagers spend in rooms, on computers...etc.

Another recurring theme (which is spot-on) is "put your own oxygen mask on first". Can you focus on you for a while? Friends, interests, nutrition, sleep, exercise, fun and silliness? I know its so easy to say...

But if you can lift yourself up in ways that do not depend on DH, DD or DS doing certain things - or the expectiation of what they "should" be doing, then you may be in a better position to help them, rather than join them in their inertia.

Just a thought - and I am typing this thinking "I really should take my own advice sometimes"!!!!

Ways I have been sneaky about getting 1.to 1 time with ds's over the years...
Full English breakfast at Morrison's cafe..
Offer lifts to friend's homes - stuck in the car is a great opportunity to chat.
Really learn about their mates and hobbies. Even gaming (urgh)..
Offer shopping trips - even necessities like pants and socks -or a new game.. car trip and a cafe! Twice a chance to bond ...
Film nights - even if you have to beg /offer snacks /watch a horror! WiFi could always go down and dig out a dvd?

I was posting stuff like this about my son last year. We had school involved for his mental health at one point. I stopped arguing and nagging; I started doing stuff for myself...can't go out really but buying new books, enjoying a bath, even the odd jigsaw. I even got them making their own tea some nights as I'm a single parent and told them I'd had enough.

He's just spent the past hour downstairs with me chatting about games. Last night he did a jigsaw with me. We've found daft shows that he enjoys and I pretend to - but I do really, if it means we can chill together. We go out Pokémoning (🙄). He unloaded the food shopping I brought earlier.

Obviously if you're worried about his mental health then get help, but what I'm trying to say is that generally I think it's just a natural phase that they have to go through and it just ends naturally too.

Sorry to hear OP.
I have been on your other threads.
Coincidentally I was listening to a podcast by Dr Lisa darmour (author or the famous parenting teens book Untangled) and the topic was "sadness and depression"
She explained the symptoms of depression and what to watch out for such as difficulty sleeping/sleeping all the time, change in eating habits, blankness, loss or concentration and sometimes other symptoms such as tummy aches, headaches etc.
One thing that struck me was when she said classic sign is loss of enjoyment in things the person previously used to enjoy.

In your case, I am sure there is an overwhelming sadness in your household owing to your older child.
Your son may not be depressed but he is certainly feeling the implications of what has happened and is sad.
And I know you have no energy left to be the one to organise fun things for him. But I think it is important to do so for his sake. And you may even enjoy it though it may not feel like at the moment.
Some of the previous suggestions are great. A few more my son enjoys are paddle boarding, kayaking, crazy golf, cooking (only when it's a gousto box), watching shows on Netflix like big bang theory.
I hope you find something that is easy for you and equally engaging for him.
Tell your DH to deal with older child and you go have fun with DS.
Big hugs...you are amazing to have survived this for so long. Hang in there!
Xx

Thank you so much everyone.
this was super helpful mumof teens ‘-But if you can lift yourself up in ways that do not depend on DH, DD or DS doing certain things - or the expectiation of what they "should" be doing, then you may be in a better position to help them, rather than join them in their inertia’
I have been trying,as to switch my brain round so i and seeing myself first and as big and colourful and DH and ds as small and in the background rather than the other way round. I think it’s working - and then it slips again, but begin to feel more confident, thank goodness!
Im still trying for stuff to do with DS, he really doesn’t want to do anything but computers. at least today he’s doing that with his mates.
he just hates school cos has no mates there. But then, so did I.
thank you

Thanks guys. Definitely struggling more as time goes on. Don't know how to cope any more actually.
Think I'll try and see the GP.

I have been listening to some Huberman podcasts because I am a bit emotionally and physically wrung out from the last few years and needed to help support myself. He’s quite good on the science of how to naturally support your own mental health (I have read your previous threads though and think that if you went to the gp and got some antidepressants, they may well ‘tide you over’ this difficult period - I took them as a young adult upon the implosion of my family and in retrospect they just lifted me up to be able to live a very functioning life and find the joy in ordinary life again. To the point where i remember thinking if someone had told me they were a placebo effect I wouldn’t have cared! Whatever works!)

I also think, and thought before when reading your threads, that even for your daughter/ trans son/whatever’s sake, you need to of course keep all lines of communication possible open with her, a great message is also ‘i love you and am here for you, but am focusing on me and our family life now as well.’ Young people are often so contrary, and I felt in some ways that you had got into a difficult (but completely understandable) dynamic with your daughter where you were almost begging her to be in touch and she was unconsciously maybe enjoying her moral high spot and the drama of being loved and missed so much. I think a narrative of ‘well that’s nice dear, now I’m off to my new xyz group/hobby/park run’ or ‘gotta run, DS and I are doing xyz’ would be just as fruitful as anything else.

With DS, are you planning anything nice for halfterm?

In any case, you are transitioning into a new stage of your life now, which comes with lots of opportunity, and you should feel entitled to embrace it. Are you in the age period where you could think about hrt? It can be miraculous for some in terms of mood.

Yes see the GP and get some counselling. Preferably cbt so you are able to reframe your life.

With your son I would be putting limits in place. One hour a night for gaming conditional on all homework completed and checked and at least one weekly form of exercise. You need more boundaries not less. Start putting your expectations forward to him op. Chores in the house, cooking once a week. Build up his week so there is less opportunity to game.

In the short term buy yourself the biggest bouquet of flowers every week for getting through this. They will brighten the house and your mood. Book a holiday. A massage. You sound like you need a lot of self care.

Thank you for the help, it’s very appreciated.
I’ve not replied earlier just because I’m finding it difficult now we have no contact at all. I am now down to hoping the mum will answer.
huberman is good! Thanks for that. I’m also listening to diary of a ceo etc etc. anything positive.I now need the radio on at night to stop thoughts 🙄
thanks, I’m trying to encourage son to do other stuff. he actually helped a bit in the garden at the weekend!
He’s ignoring boundaries- I need to just stop doing stuff for him actually. I am nervous of over/ under whatever as have lost confidence in parenting.
also I’m putting lights on, playing music, lighting candles. Good advice re flowers - except can’t see them through all the clutter!
Trying to persuade DH to have a mini break at half term. He goes from, ‘ let’s go to Australia for Xmas’ to ‘I don’t want to spend money’ and, ‘I can’t think about that now’ it means we can never plan and to my mind I get anxious if I don’t know what I’m doing but if something is booked I can relax and enjoy getting excited.
self care is a good idea, I am in endless chores/ procrastination mode. Not a good idea!
thank you so much for being voices in the wilderness!

Just to say thanks for helping when I was down. Good advice as always.
live upped my hours at work and am treating myself to an online course, decluttering - and then I’ll slap paint around and make this place look less like an old people’s home.
DH won’t do mini break - too expensive, he’ll miss DD. 🙄so instead of a cheap weekend in Amsterdam, we are going to Ill and stressed in laws to listen to them yelling at each other. That’ll cheer us all up 😁. Ishtar have to catch Covid!

Yes a good bout of covid always does the trick 💪🏻

What do you mean "he doesn't like the nerds he got stuck with"?

How about you and DS go to Amsterdam and leave your DH to the in-laws? I reckon that'd bring you more joy!

I’ve been following your threads a bit. It almost sounds as if you could address this as 3 separate issues - you, DH and DS and some of these are linked & some not. Also some you have more control over than others which is worth remembering.
This might be more effort than it’s worth, but could you engage in a project together? You have a garden, would he help you plan & plant for next year? I keep looking at lasagne planting for spring bulbs.
food must be cooked and eaten, could you do a course together, sushi making or even online, try making some recipes together. Or even ‘I’d like sushi tonight, would you mind making it?’ Buy him the stuff & see what he produces. And if he says it’s too hard, do it together. There’s millions of videos.
gaming - there’s an old game I am fond of called Portal. Could you play together? It doesn’t have to be loads of stuff, small things making a small connection. But sometimes doing is easier than saying.

for surviving half term. If you must go to the in laws. Can you look for things round about to do, stately homes, museums (some small local museums are bonkers & great=fun) & ask him to come with you.

Thanks for your help.
wandering he had a friend at the school, who turned out to be less than friendly when DS joined. I think DS lost confidence as he is quite academic, not sporty at all and very into video games. He has been in the same group of shy boys. In our 6 form we had a common room and people naturally found new groups, he doesn’t have that and can’t find a way to join in with any of the othe groups. They seem to be all established.
newname that would be sooo nice, but it ain’t happening.
gloves good ideas all thank you! Rather suspect I’ll be dragging him by the hair, but definitely give them a go.
im researching where the in-laws are. It will cause too much stress and nonsense to dodge it! Sure there will be pizza and hopefully other stuff thank s all!