Teen son totally unmotivated

[witsend90]

My 18 year old DS, stopped going to school in January of year 13. He said he was overwhelmed. He was not sleeping, eating or working out. Asked for counselling which we arranged, he went weekly till May. Seemed to perk up a bit. Barely went to school and didn't manage to sit any of his A levels. He hated school from the outset and never worked hard to do well, despite being pretty bright, with good social skills.
Now he's sleeping, eating and working out. Passed his driving test. Seems cheerful enough. Only trouble is he's completely unmotivated. Has barely worked, has no money. Signed up for an online access course a few weeks ago as said he wanted to try for uni. Has done very little on the course so far. Has applied for some jobs but hasn't got one and doesn't seem bothered. Not sure if this is just a sit it out situation or if we should get him to see a GP in case of some kind of hormonal imbalance/or some such. Does anyone have experience of this? Is he just a lazy, immature 18 year old boy?? He's not a talker so very hard to know what's going on.

@witsend90
To reassure you, he is a normal 18 yo boy! My 2 boys (now mid-20s) were in the same boat. We had a fantastic neighbor - a psychologist who gave us some advice and it was basically the below:

• Often teens struggle because they don't really have a solid goal or know what they want. And that is a problem in itself, because if they don't have a goal that they believe in...it is hard to motivate themselves to move towards it.
• One of the most beneficial things that you can do is make him sit down and write down his goals. All of them - health, physique, grades, uni aspirations, get a job etc. But you need to to make him get super specific with the big ones. In his case lets take going to uni - what course? Why that course? what job will he get at the end? Can he see himself doing it for 3 years? What does he want to do after it? Does he need to do that course for the job he wants? What job does he want? Does he need to go to Uni for that job or could he go out and start in it today and work his way up?
• Then if he decides he still want to do the Uni degree - you need to motivate. You need to ask him the pain of what will happen if he does not do the course? Will he regret it? Why?
• Then make him picture what he will get if he goes to uni - a degree, new friends, a uni experience, better job prospects, better paying jobs etc.

When we had the boys do this, we kept the list and we would remind them of what they wrote down...this reinforces something they THEY came up with, that THEY believe. It worked like magic.

Lets go with the no money as well: what will get him money? - a part time job. WHy does he want money? What freedom will it give him? What will he buy? What will happen if he doesnt get a job (in the next month - make it seem like he is losing money by not taking action).

What type of job would he like - Retail? Service? Bar work? Manual? Office based? Restaurant? Why would he want this type? What are the skills they want (top tip: all employers want 3 things; 1. someone that is reliable and shows up on time 2. Someone that can learn quickly 3. Someone that will work off their own initiative and be helpful, seek more work - THATS IT! How would he structure his CV so that these 3 things stand out? What are 10 restaurants/retailers/etc that he could drop his CV off (don't look for ads....EVERYONE is hiring right now! Dropping off a CV shows initiative!!!). How could he know they read it (follow up call, or even better call in and ask the person if they give the CV to did they read it!).

But most importantly, YOU need to sit down with him (you'll know the time) and HELP them with their goals. They are more likely to do it for you...because you are visibly helping.

Good luck...you will be fine! And this works! JUST DO IT!

Wow what an amazing advice!

ds is younger but he definitely lacks motivation due to his Adhd so copying this advice! Thank you ! x

Action comes before motivation, so just forcing yourself to do the thing gradually results in increased motivation. Starting with something he used to enjoy is a safe bet, but he needs to want to change, if he doesn’t want to change and is genuinely happy being lazy this will be more challenging. You could help him see the long term consequences for being lazy, I.e. ‘in the short term, this is great! You’re getting loads of sleep and loving the Xbox, but what does carrying on like this do for you in the long term?’ Hopefully he will reflect that long term it’s bad for his well-being, then you can try and provide external motivation, e.g. offer to drive him to somewhere he used to go or help him fine tune his cv.

Like the person above said, start with goals, then work out how to make them achievable, this usually results in breaking down big goals into smaller ones.

If he can drive and has access to a car he can do courier jobs like AmazonFlex whilst he's looking for better work. There is no interview and all you have to is download the app and sign up.

@TeenDoc this is excellent advice!

@witsend90 I have two teen boys, four years apart, very different in personality, but both lacking in motivation in areas. They'll be fine, I know this, but encouraging them to really think about what they want does take time and patience.

With our eldest, I've had to stop myself from trying to 'save him', and now try to use a coaching method to get him to think for himself... it seems to be working, somewhat.

Oh my goodness, thank you for the advice. Such a relief to hear that it's normal. I will try the advice @TeenDoc and others. But he's so hard to talk to. He just switches off or goes into BS where just says what he thinks you want to hear.
His two BFs go to uni today, the uni they all had offers from and we took them to visit. Don't know if that makes it a good day or bad day to talk to him. He just doesn't seem to care about anything.

Don't worry Op my DS was exactly the same.

Left school in 5th year to go to college, dropped out. Eventually got a job as had no access to money and actually stuck at it as he realized this was his only route to freedom. Then at 22 the light's suddenly went on and he realized that actually a MW job with no prospects is not what he wanted for the rest of his life and he did an access course at college and is now doing an HND with the option to go to uni if he wants.

At the time I really did despair. He had no idea what he wanted to do and no motivation to find out. After trying many things to motivate him I just backed off and let him be and he eventually came to his own conclusions about what he wanted.

I did refuse to fund him though (aside bed and board). If he wanted a social life/mobile phone etc he had to fund it himself which gave him no option but to get a job.

I would get a check for depression though, it's not wise to just assume it's not that.

Hello OP.
Some great advice on this thread that I personally needed
So thank u for the thread!
I hope you can find a way to get across to DS.
I have a DD who is on the similar lines.
Says she is "sad" and "I don't know" is the answer to many questions we ask about goals, interests etc.
As a PP said, my worry is sliding from sad to depression
I know with your DS being 18, it's a bit trickier.
But I would speak to GP, try and engage counsellor again if he would use the help and rule out anything hormone related.
Better to look at it completely from a physical and mental point of view one more time.
It may well be that they are lazy sods who need a firecracker up their backside but atleast you have ruled out anything sinister
Good luck and I totally get how you feel.
The knot in the stomach never goes away:-(

I have a 17 yo who I am feeling exasperated with. Dropped out of college, not a clue what he wants to do. Bright in theory but doesn't always show much evidence of it. He's polite and pleasant but SO laid back! He plays football and socialises and seemed to be doing well over the summer with a full time warehousing job.

I was happy for him to be working while he figures out what he wants to do with his life but he got sacked last week for some silly minor misdemeanours and since then doesn't seem to be showing much motivation to get another job but he doesn't get any money from me and I'm hoping money will motivate him when his last pay runs out. He enjoys socialising, going to watch football etc so lack of money will hurt him. I keep nagging him but it doesn't seem to have much effect. He just agrees with me, then proceeds to do nothing! 😩😩

To add, my DS has his driving test next month which I hope he passes while will open up more opportunities- we have a car for him. Not being 18 limits his job opportunities and he's 18 in Jan but I don't want him lazing about till then. The only thing I pay for (besides food) is his phone which is my next threat if he doesn't get off his backside in the next few months.

Hi, I also heard some good advice years ago on the radio.

Ask your teen how they imagined living their life in 5/10 years.

They will often say living in their own place with a good social life, money for stuff etc.

Then you ask how they plan to achieve this. What actions do they need to take now or in the near future to get the money for this lifestyle.

I think this ties well into the very excellent advice from @TeenDoc. If they don’t think they have need to have goals, this concentrates their mind to realising this future life won’t happen unless they set goals.

Thank you for posting your situation. Feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. Although, pants that you're in similar position. Your comment about the "knot in the stomach", really hit home :( Good luck with your DD. For us the counselling helped, lifted his mood and improved his sleep and self-care, if nothing else, meant slightly less worry.

Good to feel less alone. Will try the GP route. And goal setting and coaching approach. Thanks everyone

So glad I have read through this thread as we are in the same situation so off to look at the suggestions posted . Good luck x

There is some excellent advice on this thread. Thank you!
I would add, though, you should explore possible causes, including ADHD or “executive function” challenges. Some teens (and adults) who seem lazy actually have some mental disorder (“neuro-divergent”) that make it difficult to complete tasks in a straightforward way.

This is great advice. My nearly 18 year old boy really needs motivation and confidence. He’s had a few ideas along the way what he would like to do but after leaving school at Christmas he went to college, then wanted to go back after summer and didn’t get a place on time. He then wouldn’t push for one. I have been waiting for CAHMS assessment for adhd for him for three years and it’s awful waiting this king. I will do this with him. Trouble is I can’t get him to engage with me. He sits on his bed most of the day every day unless friends come fir him. So I will do this and hope it will do something for him x