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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Advice teenage sons girlfriend

26 replies

Carol52 · 13/09/2023 20:15

Hi I need advice. My son is seeing a girl who seems to be his shadow. He isn't seeing the fact that she just does not leave him alone as school. My daughter says even his friends are getting fed up with her always there.
If she doesn't get her way I think she becomes moody. She doesn't appear to have any friends. Which for me is a concern.why!!.
My son and I have talked and he is quite open . I don't want to fall out with him I did before because of her .
I am worried I don't think it's a great mix.
Her mother thinks it's lovely. I know why because my son is company for her.
How should I try to get my son to see
It's not healthy her having no one but him.

OP posts:
Woush · 13/09/2023 20:34

My advise is step back and accept its none of your business.

How old is he?

Original poster
Carol52 · 14/09/2023 06:49

Hi thank you . It is my business if I think it’s too much. Even his friend made. A comment. He is only 16. I don’t want to interfere to much, but on the other hand if I don’t like something as a parent you need to talk and explain why .

OP posts:
otherwayup · 14/09/2023 06:56

Maybe he's in love and they're both happy being inseparable at this point in their relationship? First love is all consuming at that age!

Why are you listening to his friends? Of course they won't like the change in dynamic and maybe miffed they don't have a girlfriend!

Lastly, you need to back off, he's 16, why are you so involved in his personal life? If he asks for advice, give it but otherwise leave him alone!

woodyscowboyhat · 14/09/2023 07:01

Just take a step back, he's 16 and this isn't your problem to fix. If you interfere you'll run the risk of pushing him away and him not coming to you about an issue if he needs to. Let him figure this one out for himself.

AuroraForever · 14/09/2023 07:04

It’s not your place to get involved I’m afraid. He’s perfectly capable of sorting this out himself so stay out of it or you run the risk of falling out with him over it and it really isn’t worth it.

user1494050295 · 14/09/2023 07:08

To the op. It is your business. Be there and keep the lines of communication open. If she is moody because she doesn’t get her way she is probably insecure.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 14/09/2023 07:08

He’s 16 so stop trying to get so involved.

If he is happy with the set-up of his relationship then your opinions and thoughts aren’t really of any interest to him.

Girlintheframe · 14/09/2023 07:10

My DS is older now but he had a very similar relationship around that age. Like your DS he is very open so I casually brought up relationships one day with him. This lead on to talking about his relationship and I told him my concerns. Then I stepped back and a couple of weeks later they broke up. Once they had broke up it all came out about how suffocated he felt in the relationship.

I definitely wouldn't raise it more then once/twice and I wouldn't make her feel unwelcome or anything. IMHO you've got to voice your opinion kindly then trust you've brought them up to be able to make the right decision. The more you force your opinion on them however the more likely they are to do the opposite so I would say tread carefully and good luck

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 14/09/2023 07:13

Why do some teenage girls behave like bloody stalkers when they're in a relationship? I would be worried OP and it sounds like an unhealthy, codependent relationship.

This girl is also displaying coercive behaviour, getting moody if she doesn't get her way. Coercive behaviour is illegal in the UK and if she escalates it then she could wreck your son's life.

16 is an important age so I would speak to the pastoral team at school about your concerns. See if they can discuss healthy & unhealthy relationships in PHSE. If this was happening to a girl, everyone would be saying the opposite & it's abusive. Her behaviour is not acceptable and is abusive.

YapYap2023 · 14/09/2023 07:15

I doubt people would be saying it's none of your business and to back off if you had a daughter and her bf was being clingy, overbearing and there 24/7.

Speak to him and see what he thinks and take it from there.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 14/09/2023 07:28

Ime (8x ds's) you just concentrate on YOUR relationship with ds... Then if/when he realises something isn't right in his relationship he will feel able to talk to you. Resist any I Told You So's though... My adult ds was in an abusive relationship a few years ago. He knew I (whole family) didn't like her as she was rude (to us) - in time (too bloody long imo) he dumped her and we were all there for him. Don't risk your relationship with him op..

tanstaafl · 14/09/2023 07:46

Explain what a healthy relationship is and step back.

GodDammitCecil · 14/09/2023 07:50

AuroraForever · 14/09/2023 07:04

It’s not your place to get involved I’m afraid. He’s perfectly capable of sorting this out himself so stay out of it or you run the risk of falling out with him over it and it really isn’t worth it.

How do you know he’s ‘perfectly capable of sorting it out himself’?

PerfectMatch · 14/09/2023 07:54

I think this is pretty normal for teens in their first relationship. I would mention to him calmly every now and then that it's important to keep up with your friends when you are in a relationship. But don't worry about it too much. They'll probably split up in a few weeks!

Doingmybest12 · 14/09/2023 07:55

He /they are learning about relationships. All you can do is keep an eye, odd bit of guidance but generally step back and be there for him. I found some of the other mothers were so keen to take my children into their families, arranging valentines things for them etc. I struggled with that. But you should be friendly and not drive them away.

lljkk · 14/09/2023 07:57

It's your place to give him resilience to make sure his own needs are met, good self-esteem to negotiate what he wants in the relationship, a pair of ears if he just wants to talk thru his random thoughts. That process will include him making decisions you don't think are for the best.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 14/09/2023 07:59

I always think its strange when people say it's none of your business. Of course it's your business, as a parent it's our responsibility to guide them on what a healthy relationship looks like and help them navigate the situation if it isn't. They're still children emotionally and can get easily hurt and manipulated. It's just lazy parenting to put adult relationship expectations on teenage kids

OP, I agree with PP, talk to him gently about what a healthy relationship looks like and gently find out if he has any concerns. Encourage him to spend time alone with his friends, maybe invite them round so they can hang out at your house for a bit? Keep on making her feel welcome, but encourage him to keep his social circle going and not to become too isolated. Do not invite her on family holidays or breaks. Let him have a separate space he can have a break in at your house. It may settle down and she relaxed a bit or it will fizzle out. Just be there for him.

MumblesParty · 14/09/2023 08:02

OP I would suggest you re-post this switching the sexes. You’ll get much more constructive replies. MN hates men so most people will tell you to mind your own business, but if you switch the sexes you’ll be advised on how to get your child out of a potentially controlling situation.

GodDammitCecil · 14/09/2023 08:03

I always think its strange when people say it's none of your business. Of course it's your business, as a parent it's our responsibility to guide them on what a healthy relationship looks like and help them navigate the situation if it isn't. They're still children emotionally and can get easily hurt and manipulated. It's just lazy parenting to put adult relationship expectations on teenage kids

Couldn’t agree more.

MammaTo · 14/09/2023 08:25

I agree with you.

It’s a massive red flag for me when someone doesn’t have their own friends and his own friendships should remain important because if this fizzles out he’ll have no one to turn to.

It’s such a tough subject to navigate. Maybe you could suggest he meet ups with friends and explain they’re still important in life quite gently - don’t mention the girlfriend.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 14/09/2023 08:27

It’s a tricky one because voicing anything that could be perceived as a criticism would immediately make him shut off and refuse to talk any more.
When my son was with his previous girlfriend who was very much like you describe, I would comment on how nice it is when he got together with just his friends, I was more amenable to giving them a lift to the driving range or the cinema to encourage that space.
It soon came out that he was feeling incredibly suffocated with her but didn’t know how to handle a break up because he didn’t want to be seen as a bad guy. There was a lot of tears and then finally he found his indifference at being portrayed as nasty when he was anything but.

Goldflap · 14/09/2023 08:29

A family member had this situation and as a PP has said all you can do is be there for him, try not to make judgemental statements about her or the relationship but do talk about how he is feeling so eventually if he wants to open up or seek advice he feels he can.
In my situation the girl was very controlling so her attaching on so quickly was part of that concern and a red flag, it did also however eventually lead him to ask questions and for her to tire of it and attach to a new project.
I suppose the only issue is if he's the one doing the attaching but the same advice applies.
I'd say such intensity usually burns out quickly and he might learn some really useful lessons about relationships and how to navigate them.

Takeitonthechin · 14/09/2023 08:30

If you interfere you will push them together more, you've had a chat, just let them get on with it. If she gets moody, he will soon get fed up of her.

Spinet · 14/09/2023 08:40

This reverse the sexes thing is so tiresome. Men and women have been socialised differently so they behave differently and present different risks to each other.

OP rather than telling him stuff I suggest you ask him questions. Try to find out about her via him. Then you'll get a better idea of what the relationship is about and start him thinking about it too. If he realises she is always around her may start rethinking but if you tell him so he's likely to dig his heels in.

Original poster
Carol52 · 14/09/2023 08:54

Hi thanks
that’s what I have been doing . I have said make time for your friends. The girlfriend has not got any friends. Do she is with him all the time.

OP posts:
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