First boyfriend-how to handle things well

[mamaimetaboy]

Dd has her first boyfriend. They are 14. They have been together 2 days and it is all consuming as teenage love tends to be. They tell each other they love them and every sister minute and not spare minute is spent with him. He lives literally next door so it's easy to see him. They have already discussed sex and he has said he won't pressure her into anything. There's talk of a sleepover with the rest of the friendship group. He is talking about moving in together when they leave school in 2 years and he says he's planning on staying together forever. She wants to be a doctor and has wanted that for 6 years. She's determined to get to As she needs st GCSE and A level to get into medical school. I have not driven this career choice at all so the pressure comes from herself.
I have no idea what's normal with teenage relationships. My own experience was of being allowed to have (abusive) relationships with guys 4 years older than me and doing things far too early and regretting it.
I want to find that fine balance between being happy for her, allowing her to grow up and protecting her from her own naïveté and vulnerability to being exploited. She is very much an open book and very honest and I'm glad she has the kind of relationship with je where she shares everything of her own volition. A little less sharing would be nice because he is all she talks about 🤣
How do I be a great mum about this? Is this all normal?

Nc because she knows I'm on here.

Anyone?

Two days?

2 days?! Nod, smile and don't allow any sleepovers for 2 years a while.

2 days? That's all very intense. I can remember how all consuming boyfriends were at that age. I would limit the amount of time she spends with him and absolutely no sleepovers or sleeping over at your house or his. No need when he lives next door. I would also gently change the subject when she talks about him so you're not feeding the obsession. Do you remove her phone at night?

I do remove her phone at night because she has no off switch to her thoughts on anything (possible autism, waiting for assessment). I've given her several opportunities to take responsibility for coming off her phone but she just can't do it. He was messaging her at 3am yesterday! There's no way I'll be allowing sleepovers anywhere. He's had a few older girlfriends and Dd has had no real interest in having a boyfriend until fairly recently so nothing at all before this. His parents and siblings don't like her he's told her and that might make things tricky. They walk to school together and hang around after school but I insist she does her homework first and comes in on time for dinner and to do her share of the mealtime jobs. This is totally unreasonable she thinks 🤣 I'm happy she's happy but worried that she's putting all responsibility for her happiness onto him.

Good luck OP

I think you’re overthinking it a little. She’s 14 and it’s only been 2 days. 😀 As someone else said just smile and nod as well as discretely keeping an eye on things. I do think it’s a bit weird though that he’s told her that his family don’t like her. Is a little bit of a red flag along with having older girlfriends.

"They walk to school together and hang around after school but I insist she does her homework first and comes in on time for dinner and to do her share of the mealtime jobs."

This is good, @mamaimetaboy . Also good that there are limits to her phone use, she needs her sleep. Teen relationships are very intense but some boundaries are needed, and often it's the parents that have to insist on those. Keep in mind that, depending on how the relationship progresses, you might not be able to stop sexual activity by forbidding sleepovers, so continue talking to her about protection and your thoughts on sex, even if you think it's not on the cards yet.
Keep talking to her and keep her talking to you! Be welcoming to the boy, this way you'll stay closer to your daughter, too.

Oh dear, things aren't looking good at all. She was over an hour late home last night with no communication to tell me where she was or why she was going to be late so she's grounded for a day. In response she ran away and I got a call from her older sibling saying she had gone to her dad's. No communication from him either. She will now miss a hospital appointment and I'm not sure grounding her for one day is still appropriate. What would others do in this situation?

She's still not home. She pulled a sickie yesterday and her dad enabled that so she's missed both a day at school and a vital hospital appointment where the next available appointment is in 3 months time. I've no idea when she will come home, or if she's going to school today. This is all because I don't allow her to do what she wants all the time.

Why didn't her father take her for her hospital appointment? And why isn't he keeping you informed of the situation? I assume she can't see her bf from her father's house so it all sounds a bit weird.

Her dad is very abusive and works on the divide and conquer rule of his war against me. He has successfully alienated one child who has failed their GCSEs and is more overtly abusive towards me than he is now.
He said he couldn't be arsed to take her to her appointment. It will be twisted back up being my fault she missed it because if she wasn't upset with me she wouldn't have run off to him.

Oh dear Lord, the drama of it all! I was dramatic at the same age and now have a sense of embarrassment about how I behaved at the same age. My poor parents!

This relationship is not a good one. Three weeks in and there's been so much drama already. He is insecure and durant believe she loves him so she's trying to prove it to him but getting pissed off with him being so, well, clingy and needy. I hate those words but I can't think of how else to describe him. He's testing her regularly to see if she falls for his traps like seeing if she looks at other boys or thinks they are attractive.
I'm so glad my teenage years are long behind me but it's tough helping Dd navigate this shit in the age of mobile phones where he can text her constantly and demand her attention. She will get bored of this quickly and is thankfully focused more on her education (which he doesn't like). It's times like these when I wish I wasn't parenting alone, hence me typing my thoughts and feelings here. How is best to support Dd through this so that she is able to make her own decisions?

If the relationship continues make sure she understands that it is important that they don’t become exclusive and she should still see and go out with girl friends. DS said this was the best piece of advice I ever gave him.

Yes, good advice. Last time she saw her best friend she invited him along to meet her. Her female school friends are in the same friendship group as the boy which might be tricky when they split up.
He's insecure yet despite living next door he's not been waiting for her to walk to school and tends to leave after she does. It's all weird. I'm just there to listen when she talks to me and I'm glad she does talk to me about things.