Depressed or just rude- struggling to understand which

[whirlygirly]

Ds is 18 and can be either charming or awful. Mainly awful. We've just returned from a holiday where he spent most of the time grunting at me or in the room. I won't book for him again as I recognise he's probably outgrown family holidays but it was disappointing he couldn't make the effort to spend any time other than meals with us.

He's in his final year of college and had been doing well, but attendance and grades slipped at the end of last term. He's in with a new crowd who smoke, including weed and I'm really worried about him. On selfish note, I'm also totally sick of worrying about him and need to know he won't be living with me being like this forever. I've made it clear that we won't be supporting him once he leaves education.

He say he's depressed but won't do anything to help himself or respond to interventions. I got him a support referral and he wouldn't go. He has no real interests

I've been on my own with him, working full time since he was 5 and just feel that I've failed him by possibly doing too much for him and not raising a young adult with more drive.

I genuinely don't know if he needs more support or some tough love. Has anyone else been through this? There is possible asd in the mix which is why I've always tried to do loads to support him.

Hi,

I can completely empathise I have a 17yo DD who is the same. She has just changed college courses, hoping this will help!

She has very little motivation. She got sacked from her part time job for not going.
However we have managed to land her another job, it's 0 hours and it's ad-hoc work so she can do short hours the days she works, this means she will get less money and it's far from the real world life of work but, it's something. Could he get a PT job? That will help.

I can empathise with the fact she has always had everything really so I think things comes easy. I also feel selfishly sick of worrying! And trying for very little feedback. Happy to chat if it helps!

Same. Teen with asd. 17. Dropped out of sixth form last year, got a job but it was a bit touch and go, and is starting again at college tomorrow. I don’t hold out much hope for it working out. He can be so lovely but awful when he is stressed, which he is at the moment. I worry so much about what is ahead and like you OP I wonder if I have done so much for him to get him through that now he can’t seem to do anything on his own.

Thanks for replying both, I'm sorry you have this too. It's exhausting. I swing between wanting to chuck more support at him and just wanting to chuck him out.

We were going out for dinner this evening and he was so grumpy that his sibling and I just called his bluff and went out anyway and left him to it. He apologised later, as he often does, but just can't seem to check himself in the moment.

He actually managed to hold down a summer job. They thought he was great(!) I think he reserves the absolute worst of it for me, which is crap as I do the most for him. That hasn't evolved from the early years. His dad is involved but works away and the worry definitely isn't shared equally.

Another Mum of ND teens here. It's hard isn't it?

If he's possibly got ASD is he willing to try and get an assessment? Ciujd ADHD be in the mix too?