Open questions

[KTSl1964]

I’m really trying to improve my conversation with my teenage son - the conversation seems to close down quickly - I ask him how his day was - he says fine!!! Can anyone give me suggestion on some set phrases they use or a book I could read.
I grew up with my parents never talking to each other and had a neglectful abusive childhood so this has never been modelled to me.
Thankyou

Have you tried talking to him whilst in the car or whilst cooking a meal together etc. My teens always talk much more when they are doing something else and don't have to make eye contact.

I would be honest with your son, explain to him that you want to connect with him but find his answers are often short so you would really like to chat about things more.

Observe some things he likes, is he into any sports, online games or anything? Try to understand his hobbies which will help him open up

Agree with previous post - and reminds me of a quote - “be as interested in the things they are interested in, as you are interested in them”.

Example: my 16 year old son is into motorbikes. I now know lots of makes, models, how an engine works, fuel mixes, what a “carb” does…

We went to a motor museum today and had a great time. There’s not many places for “day trips” with a 16 year old now! Most of our daily conversations are about spare parts he needs…etc.

All this means we have a good solid relationship for the other stuff like education and relationships.

You can’t fake it - be actually curious in whatever it is, and let them teach you.

Some good suggestions about talking while doing things and asking about his interests.

Rather than ‘how was your day?’ which is too open ended, try something a bit more specific like, ‘what was the best thing you did today?’ or ‘did anything make you laugh today?’

Teenage boys are notoriously uncommunicative but they can turn into really lovely, chatty young men!

How was your day is too open, it will easily peter out . I might end up saying "Did you go see that film with Sam and Ed? How was it?" Don't expect them to talk about themselves, look for external facts they find interest in.

It's important you listen when they want to talk, even if the topic is dull to you, try to always make time to listen. They are much more likely to tell you things when they know you listen. I have listened to pro Football gossip & Star Wars Lego prices & where the cats left what bird body parts in last 2 hours.

Everything @Mumofteens4892 said.

Don't ask them directly about them - it comes across of, at best, nosiness, and more commonly, accusatory.

Ask them if they saw that goal that Haarland scored, or the F1 race or the cars or the cricket, or strictly or bake off (or whatever interests him), so you just are conversing and chatting and connecting rather than what he might percieve as "interrogating" him.

I also agree that they tend to chat more easily if not facing you. Either in the car, or going for a walk, works better for conversation.

I've recently cottoned on to asking my teenager open questions as otherwise conversation is very one sided.

So rather than "Did you have a good day" which gives a Yes or No answer I try to remember to ask things like "What happened at school today " which should mean a couple of sentences in reply and hopefully give a jumping off point for a longer conversation.

I definitely feel nostalgic for the HOURS he could spend talking about Minecraft 😂

Thankyou you so much - all very helpful tips in how to open up the communication. He’s into football and the gym so I can show more interest in these interests too.

a friend taught me to ask for the gossip: 'Anything shocking happen at school today?' will get you news ranging from someone's hair catching fire in chemistry to the headmistress being caught smoking behind the bike sheds with Yr9s.

I agree about caring about what they care about. Notice if their favourite bands are playing locally or have a new album out, or tell them if you saw a ferrari in the co-op car park etc.

I started watching sport with mine. Football/ golf/ . Got interested in their favourite teams and if l saw anything online about a player read up and dropped it into the conversation. Followed the transfer stuff. This is not really my interest but l got into it. Also remember teachers names so if they tell you a story about their history teacher follow up with: what happened today? Did Mr Brown allow Tommy back to class? Etc.
I also kept them up to date with wider family news about aunties/ cousins so we could chat about that. Also, my two were very interested in the news so l would have the radio on in the car and we would chat about a topic if it caught their attention. And know their friends names...have them around so you can keep up to date with what he is doing.

Ask, tell me something nice that happened today? Something you did well today? What he is interested in? I listened to an hour long programme on Crocodiles in the Triassic Period just so I could start a conversation with my grand son. On FB someone is advertising a set of question cards. they are for younger children but could be adapted: who is your hero? Which superpower would you like to have? You say he likes football. Non football loving DH read sports pages very thoroughly so he could talk to DS.