DD 13's friend takes two days off eating

[Brandyb]

My DD, 13, just opened up to me tonight, after a few days apart and her being very reticent after she got home yesterday. One of the things she told me is she's worried about a friend. one of her friends is not eating much, and recently she didn't eat for two days. She says her parents (I know, like and trust her mum, don't know dad) are kind of relaxed about it, don't make a fuss, they cook food and offer it. She doesn't eat it.

My daughter kind of feels she needs to intervene, but doesn't know what to say as she's got her own stuff going on and doesn't want to judge.

But two days?!

I know her mum quite well but not as close friends. Is it my place to say/do anything?

I would probably have a chat to the parents. It might be that they are well aware of it but not putting pressure on to eat in a kind of reverse psychology way. I guess that's fine but if it continues they would need support.
I think I would like to make sure they are a aware of this though.

When I was a teen I told my mum I didn’t want any school lunches. I just wanted to eat apples. She said fine. Always believed it was best not to make a fuss, as the attention might have encouraged me more. It was a phase. But, I did go on tho develop an eating disorder, as an adult. Not under my mother’s watch, she did what she thought best at the time.

How lovely of your DD to be worried and want to help her friend. I think I would say something to the Mum if I were you. You could come from the angle that DD has noticed her not eating and is concerned. What the Mum chooses to do with the information is up to them. However from experience the softly softly approach doesn’t work.

Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and lies. Ignoring and not drawing attention to disordered eating is 100% the wrong thing to do as it just gives the illness longer to become entrenched. Parents need to be vigilant and be prepared to take control of food intake if they notice their child restricting. DD suffered with Anorexia when she was 14/15. It takes a hold extremely quickly and is devastating for the whole family.

Importantly, how is the child's weight?
I ask this because if she's not significantly under weight then it might be that she actually does eat more than she letting on but has a bit of Mumsnet competitive undereating going on. Unfortunately a lot of young girls realised that not eating (or the appearance of it) gives them a certain sort of "status" and gives them things like control and attention. Which is still disordered thinking and not at all healthy.
It's lovely that your dd is concerned and could be worth talking to her parents about. If the girl's not significantly under weight then they may well be aware that she eats when nobody's looking and therefore feel that appearing calm and relaxed about food (they're probably not!) is more beneficial to her.

If everything else appears normal and the child is not fainting from hunger or showing other signs that is serious or she is not taking drugs then no I would not say anything, it is nice she is concerned but I would presume the parents know what is going on?

@WandaWonder why would you presume the parents know what’s going on? They might not know their child hasn’t eaten for 2 days. Or as a poster said above it might not be true and the girl is choosing to have friends believe that she is not eating. But a well meaning heads-up to the parents can’t hurt can it? It may well be that they are very aware but equally they may not be. As I said earlier ED’s love secrecy and sufferers become very talented at deceiving in order to hide their restricting.

I was going by what was said in the op

Thank you all, this is really helpful.

I think the parents are aware of some issues but I don't think they realise she is literally not eating for two days at a time.

But I'm not aware of fainting ( tho I guess that will inevitably start happening if it goes on). I don't know her weight but she is extremely slight. Then again, so is her mum!

Next time I see the mum I think I will raise it. I have my own concerns about my own daughter, who seems to be showing signs of wanting to be very controlled about her own weight, although I wouldn't yet say she is underweight, and try to detect how much they are aware of it.

It is frightening. Who can blame them with the social messages they get? I know she knows I'm a bit unhappy about my own weight, even though I try not to let it show and I'm not overweight in terms of BMI, and two of her grandmothers (she has three, one is a step-grandmother) are miniscule.

DD was eating 500 calories or less a day, running 7k twice a week and doing HIIT workouts the other days and she never fainted. But she was suffering from dizzy spells, was cold every second of the day and her periods had stopped. Obviously there was weight loss and we definitely noticed but she made a point of making sure we never saw how thin she was. My point is that they get very good at hiding it. Everyone I know who has had a family member go through an eating disorder has said they wished they had intervened sooner. Time is of the essence. Having a chat with the Mum can’t do any harm and could well be the thing that sparks some action.

OP, see if you can see what kind of thing your DD is watching on TikTok. It is absolutely rife with pro-ana stuff on how to eat as little as possible, measuring wrists, achieving ultimate thigh gaps, girls posting body check videos. It is so so frightening. Ultimately be hyper vigilant. ED’s amongst teen girls are everywhere and it is highly competitive. All it takes is for one friend to start bringing in lettuce for lunch at school and it has a ripple effect.

Eating disorders are very common in (undiagnosed) girls who are on the autistic spectrum, it is one of the only things teens get to control and it can be for lots of reasons, the textures of food, intrusive thoughts of the food being bad which makes them lose their appetite, ARFID, not necessarily about losing weight and being skinny. My DD restricts what she eats at school and has to have the same lunch everyday but is fine at home or at restaurants as she finds the school day stressful, however she also doesn't feel hunger or thirst and has told me she could easily stop eating and regularly forgets to eat unless I remind her.