DD18

[Rosyleigh]

She's due to go to Uni in 2 weeks. All summer she has been an absolute nightmare, so argumentative and disrespectful, doesn't lift a finger to help, refuses to spend any time with me when I invite her to come out for the day with me and says she's too tired, yet has been out most of the time with friends, and will go out with them at the drop of a hat. I give her lifts everywhere, pay for Ubers for her nights out, have spent hundreds on kit for her new digs for uni, spent time running around doing errands for her because 'she's too busy'.
She's so entitled and won't so much as empty the dishwasher unless asked, and even then it's not without huffs and puffs. She makes an argument out of every interaction, talks to me like I'm a piece of dirt, is so rude and when I give back or call her out she gets gaslightly and tells me that I'm the unreasonable one and 'what is wrong with you?' 'Have you got you got your period due?' I really don't like her right now.
The thing is, with everyone else, she will bend over backwards and go out of her way to please and be polite and thoughtful. It's like Jeckle and Hyde.
I had an awful childhood and have been determined to be nothing but a loving parent and have given my all to be the best parent I can. I can't tell you how disappointed I am with the result.
I'm a single mother and for the first 8 years of her life, she was subjected to the EA displayed by her father to me. It's uncanny how she talks to me now and how much it reminds me of exactly how he was with me. My other child (younger) is the complete opposite, we are so close and he is respectful and so helpful and kind. What did I do wrong with DD?

Is she still going to be living at home while she goes to uni?

no she's be living 3 hours away 😓

Pack her off to uni breathe sigh of relief she will learn
Better times ahead
Boundaries, do not run around for her !

Stop doing everything for her. She will get a shock at uni - or will live in a hovel. Either way, it won’t affect you. Enjoy your time without her.

Excellent.

She sounds like my DD who could complain for Scotland tbh, but was also seen as sweet and well- behaved to everyone else. It only took a few weeks for her to come home for Sunday dinner, full of compliments and thanks for such a nice dinner.

I wouldn't worry . She'll mature.

Well, you're going to have a lovely time from about two weeks from now then. Just breath and let her crack on. She'll be back as a human at some point in the future.

Pack her off to uni breathe sigh of relief she will learn

This - I've only had a few months of this - DH think at minute she worried and excited so I get all the pent up emotions.

She's 18. You both need a massive break from each other. Be warned though; the Christmas break will probably be lovely but Easter and next summer will be hell (I definitely gave my parents hell). It will improve after that.
I actually didn't go properly "home" again after that tbh. I went travelling in my summer between 2nd and 3rd year and worked between end of uni and career job training

She is ready to go and you are ready for her to go. Drop her off and then let her get on with it. Time to step back a bit. It is so upsetting when they are hurtful with words but now is the time to let it go over your head with the knowledge that she is going and at some point will need you.

It is preparation to leave the nest. It is so that when the time comes for her to fly you are behind her pushing her to fly!

Either she is a spoilt little madam, or if she isn’t usually like this then It might be a defence mechanism about leaving you, either way it will sort itself out when she leaves.

DS was more than ready to leave for uni and we were more than ready for him to go after two years of him being trapped at home due to Covid. The change in him has been astounding. In year 1 he only came home for nights out with his mates or holidays but was already so much lovelier and more appreciative when he was here (and not asleep). In year 2 he actually came home to spend time with us sometimes and was/is even lovelier.

Ok, it’s helpful to know imho, that the human brain goes through a last change in late teens and early adulthood. Brains do not, at previously thought, finish developing in puberty. It particularly affects things like cognitive and impulse control. It is also why, sadly, mood disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar emerge in very late teens and early adulthood and not before

So, she is not a fully mature adult yet. She’s nearly there, but selfish and disrespectful behavoiurs are usually a way of severing the apron strings and the emerging cognitive control ain’t there yet

they do eventually turn into nice normal adults in mid twenties- honest

set some boundaries calmly about how she treats you and speaks to you. Set boundaries around her chores. Breathe a sigh of relief when she goes off fr the term, be prepared that every time she comes back they’ll be a honeymoon for a few days, then she’ll carry on being the way she’s been recent- put the tin hat on, batten down the hatches, be there if she needs you, but try to live essentially separate lives under same roof till she goes back against an at start of new term. Don’t try to be friends or hang out. If she wants that she’ll tell you. Be a rock, stable and a shepherd to steer her if she ask advice

at the end of her uni period, she’ll probably go through a bit shit period again while looking for work-especially if she needs to come home for a while. Set firm boundaries about paying her way whilst at home after uni, and get her out on her own asap to live a proper independent life. Only at that point will she fully develop into a fully fledged human.

stick with it, it’s a bumpy ride.

Thank goodness she's moving away for uni! Bet you're counting down the days. It's the best thing, give you both some distance from each other.

She'll learn. Me and my mam were super tense when I was this age, and to be honest I was a complete shit, particularly to her. She did nothing wrong, and I'm sure you've done nothing either, some teens can just be little gits.

We're best of friends now I've grown up, matured, experienced some of the hardships of life for myself etc. (And apologised for being such a turd to her when she was nothing but loving and supportive!), we go out together once a week, she comes here for dinner every week... We've healed, you will too.

Breathe. Only a few weeks to go and she'll be off for her reality check!

OP you are her safe space to vent and let out her fears/.stress. She keeps a very positive face to the rest of the world. She is going to go through a big learning curve when she moves out. I'm sure she'll appreciate coming back to home comforts one weekend. The good news is they come out the other end more mature and you will become closer again. It is a rite of passage. Don't stress too much xx

Pick her up on her gaslighting and rudeness. Tell her that's how bullies speak. Don't offer lifts !
It sounds like she knows it all - so let her get on with It. Has she sorted out the stuff she needs for uni?

This OP.
Next time she asks you for a lift or something, say no and explain that it's because she was rude to you.
Don't give her lifts etc again till she starts being civil with you.
If she just doesn't, stop doing things for her. She can do her own washing, various errands etc.

Oh thank you everyone, such valuable advice, I'm definitely saving this thread to refer to in times of need. Thank you all so much for you kind words and advice.
I gave her a piece of my mind earlier, I told her I'm sick of being treated like a doormat and am done with her attitude. It got heated but I think I got my point across and she's been a little more humane towards me since. The air seems to have cleared somewhat, and she's even been trying to spark up a regular convo with me - let's see how long it lasts.
Thanks again everyone, you've all been such a help in keeping my head together today x

Well done OP, try to hold your nerve - only do things for her if she treats you with decency.