Does your 14 year old have their phone 24/7 with no content restrictions?

[strictmum]

My 14 year old is kicking off and crying that her phone is to be given to me at bedtime and has the WiFi turned off at mealtimes. This is because otherwise she is on it until past midnight and can't get up for school in the morning. This leads to grumpiness and shouting at her younger sibling and me because she is. stressed she is late and we are getting our coats and shoes on ready to leave when she is because we leave 10 minutes later and are now in her way. School are strict on lateness and issue detentions. She is often late despite me waking her before 7am, making her tea and porridge and her not needing to leave until 8.10am.
I make everyone a cup of tea and her's if often cold by the time she gets up meaning she needs to hear it up in the microwave. Other mealtimes result in meals going cold on the table because she doesn't come down when I say it's ready because she is on her phone and will continue to watch tiktok or message friends at the table. I'm unreasonable to object to this I'm told.
Apps are restricted to 14+ and adult content is restricted. Again this is unreasonable and means she can't use a chat group app for a game she plays (which I didn't realise at the time).
She expects complete privacy with her phone despite telling me random people have been in contact and sent photos and messages that are inappropriate. She sees it that I don't trust her but I've explained that it's not her I don't trust.
It's her phone is the argument I get through floods of tears and she expects to have free access to all content and to have it 24/7. Any disagreement and complaints are made to dad (we are divorced) and he agrees that I am unreasonable and ridiculous in my parenting and he will try to alter the restrictions.
She had a GCSE exam this summer (they do one 2 years early) and instead of revising she was busy on her phone telling me she was revising with a friend except the friend wasn't doing the exam. She was very upset and crying she didn't get the grade she wanted and I've explained that you can't spend revision time chatting to friends and on tiktok and expect to get a top grade.
Back to school needs make up and perfume she says and I'm expected to take her out for the day to the city to buy her these things when quite frankly I don't feel like doing it with the attitude I get and the running to her dad to complain and try to circumnavigate the phone restrictions. She will use her dad to slate me because are gets an echo chamber of hatred.

What happens with phones in your house with teens? Am I too strict over the phone?

I'm interested in the answers you get.

My kids (13 and 15) get 3 hours a day access to phones, no phones in room at night and restricted mode on YouTube and tiktok.

It doesn't help that school homework is all online so she needs her phone to see what homework she has and to do some of the homework. She wants to be a vet and needs top grades so can't be on tiktok for hours instead of doing homework or revising. She starts the rest of her GCSE work now and needs a good routine. Any attempts to help are met with resistance yet it's her dream to be a vet and she knows that needs top grades because she's already looked at unis and their entry requirements. It's a lot of pressure for her and it worries me but it's what she wants so I'm trying to support her as best I can and that means a decent night's sleep, good nutrition, and trying to get her out of the door on time for school.

For schoolwork it helps us to have the same routine every day. It took us a while to get them toeing the line but they do now. Our basic routine is: chill time after school until 5, an hour of revision or homework, dinner, anything else that needs to be done. The hour gets extended to about two towards deadlines and exams.

Would she be able to do schoolwork on a desktop or laptop?

Not everything is rosy by the way. One dc really struggles in school. The other one has no focus whatsoever.

DD is 13. I put time restrictions on and so the phone effectively shuts down at bedtime. But I relaxed this during the holidays. I think I limited tiktok to 30 mins per day but she might have found a way around it, I'm not sure.
It causes a lot of grief because she wants to speak to her friends at all hours.
I don't have any rules about phones at meal times because these are already enough of a battleground (ARFID)
It's tricky if you and father are not aligned but it's your rules in your house I guess.

We have no phones upstairs during day, charged downstairs overnight and has lock on it 8-7 anyway. Pretty free rein to turn during day but I will take if think they are on it too much - same issue with all homework on phone so I can't take it off him to do homework which is a shame - I kept taking phone at night until eldest was in yr13 honestly, they just really struggled not to answer as soon as they got a message and they need sleep!!

My 15 and 14 year olds have to hand in their phones to me at 9.30pm Sunday-Thursday during term time. This is because I aim for them to have some "down time" before sleeping on school nights. I think it's important that they can disconnect from SM sometime, as its exhausting.
Weekends and holidays, I don't take it off them.

My son (15) isn't allowed TikTok as I noticed a marked drop in his behaviour/attention span when he spent all day doom scrolling on there.

My daughter is actually dealing with a bullying incident at school just now which mainly seems to be happening via SnapChat. Its a horrible app. The disappearing messages seem to give people an idea that they have no consequences for their words. So I've made DD remove that recently.

Both kids have queried when they can stop handing in phones at bedtime on school nights. Answer: when you pay the bill.

I also use restricted on YouTube and TikTok but it seems like a lot of inappropriate content gets through still? Do you find the same?

sometimes I hate phones 😭

Similar ages early teens.

Phone left downstairs at night. None negotiable but totally accepted.

Phone knows he is a child and his age so does restrict content but am fairly sure he gets round it. It he is badly behaved or needs to focus i can remotely limit access full stop or to favorite apps.

All parents have pin code and he knows it is subject to spot checks. He also tells me if he has received sth he doesn't like and blocked etc. hes not perfect-i wish he was on it less. However summer is good as they are out with friends more which means less screen time.

I know it isn't your question but also-id back off in the morning and save your sanity. You seem very involved in her morning routine for a child of her age. Mine sets his own alarm and gets himself up, manages the time once up to get breakfast and dressed and packed and leave house. Occasional reminder or 'have you seen the time' from me say once a week. He takes full responsibility. Sometimes we will have left for work so he has to sort himself. I guess i am just saying children that age are perfectly capable. She knows what time you leave the house and if she misses her lift she finds an alternative and gets her late mark-she might not be late again(

How do you restrict tiktok content?

I've said people can use normal text messages or WhatsApp instead of Snapchat but apparently that's not good enough and no one uses those.

Also YANBU that noone should be on their phone during a family meal.

Some of this isn't a phone thing; its a manners and respect thing.

If someone has made you a meal you come to the table promptly to eat it.

@strictmum I honestly can't remember. When dd asked for it, I downloaded it my phone a played around for a bit before letting her. I found the non-restricted content mostly foul. It was just a button to press somewhere.

@samuelclemens I haven't noticed to be honest. Perhaps I should check more. Dd is quite naive for her age and mainly watches cooking videos it seems.

Mine has unrestricted access to phone, a PlayStation and tv in his room.
Everything goes off at bed time and I take his phone away from him overnight and it charges up either in my room or downstairs. I'd hear him on PlayStation when I went to bed if he snuck it on, I possibly wouldn't hear TV but very occasionally he's allowed to watch to the end of an episode if there's say 15 mins left and I want to go to bed. I trust him to turn it over after that (although I may be being stupid in that)
I still "tuck him in" so he knows that's the cue for everything to go off for the most part

@juicelooseabootthishoose I agrée with the mornings but she just doesn't get up otherwise. She claims she needs her phone for an alarm even though she's got an alarm clock and an Alexa that she can set alarms on. If I tell her she needs to get up I get grief, if I don't get her up I get grief, if I've not made her a cup of tea she's not impressed. If she doesn't eat breakfast or have tea she's got a headache and feels sick by break time so it's in her own interests to get up and make sure she has breakfast. If she's not up when she needs to be she's then in the bathroom when ds needs to be in there, or she's in the hallway shouting at him that he's in her way when she shouldn't even be here. She makes mornings so stressful. School starts 5 minutes earlier this year so I'm hoping that will ease things up for ds and me. I want to start off as I mean to go on this year. At her age I was up at 6am and out of the house at 7.20am to get 2 buses to school and didn't get home until 5pm.
The phone is restricted in the morning because she's busy messaging instead of getting ready. She claims she needs it in the morning to arrange walking to school with friends. I've suggested she does that the night before but that's not what anyone does she says. Whatever I suggest is met with reasons why she can't possibly do it.

As a pp poster says, I also know his passcode (non negotiable) and he knows I carry out spot checks.
I don't really check his snap chat etc so he could be up to all sorts but I think (hope!) he's a generally good kid

My 15 yr old does not have his phone overnight. I don't care if he's missing out on 1am conversations.

When he's studying, I take his phone away because he gets so distracted. He agrees to this in theory, but still gets upset when it happens.

God you're going to have such a variance in answers. DD 15 now has a brick phone as no amount of time limits worked. She has been a different child since we did this 3 months ago and I'll never give her a smart phone again. However, people on here will think I'm nuts pick your poison OP.

My ds is 13 and has unrestricted access to his phone except it goes off at night.
He reads on it most of the time, he's a war fanatic so I don't see the difference between him reading on a phone or reading a book. He is never moody, gets top marks at school, happily leaves it alone on days out and family meals etc. I find if you restrict something it makes people want it more.

Yes

13yo has time limits on most apps during the day and then the whole thing switches off between 8pm-8am. Must charge downstairs. He doesn’t have Snapchat or tiktok although thankfully he doesn’t want them either (but he watches an inordinate amount of YouTube on other devices which is something I need to get a handle on) That won’t be changing anytime before GCSEs.

They always had their phones with no restrictions - unless they where grounded.

if they ever didn’t get up for school etc then we’d have looked at restrictions but it was never an issue.

no phones at mealtimes full stop.

now 21 and 22 never had a reason to restrict their phones and only had them taken off them once or twice for breaking the rules

we had them on all social media and if they had accounts we didn’t know about again they’d loose their phones.

if they had issue they’d come and talk about it.

We didn’t restrict phone use but absolutely would have if our kids were on them instead of doing school work, at bed time or instead of joining in family meals etc.

It’s really unfortunate that her dad is not supporting you. Is he aware of everything you’ve said here? If not, he needs to realise how much it’s affecting the whole family. If he’s not concerned, he’s an absolute idiot and I really feel for you. You’re being responsible and as hard as it is, don’t let him make you doubt yourself.

When she’s in a better moods, maybe after the shopping trip for perfume and times like that, I’d just try to keep saying that you love her and the restrictions are to ensure she does well at school, gets sleep, has family time and for her safety. Give her as much screen time and access as you can whilst ensuring those things. Have you looked into giving her access to the chat for the games they play? If it’s suitable that will show you’re trying to compromise. And things like snapchat, I’d allow. Also be more relaxed about things on weekends and school holidays if you can. That’s all you can do. She will mature and one day she will see that you did the right thing.

My kids are very easy (youngest is 14 so all change yet 😬) but there were a couple of things with my son at 14/15 that I did need to be very firm about. He obviously wasn’t pleased at the time. He’s off to uni soon and we’ve been talking a lot. His sister is now 14 and we were chatting about when he was that age and I got a ‘you were right you know mum, I was being an idiot’. He wasn’t being an idiot, he was just being a teen and wanting to fit in with his friends which I understand. Stay strong, reasonable boundaries will pay off long term!

When I say restrictions I mean that adult sites are restricted. Her apps were restricted to 14+ but she can't go on her chat app for her game with that so I've changed it to 17+
Her sister at the same age was living with their dad and had no restrictions at all and was taking inappropriate photos and sending them to strangers around the world. The police were involved but still their dad did nothing to restrict dd1's phone.
Lateness for school has been a real issue in the past and she's late for hair appointments, the dentist and GP too unless I am on her case every couple of minutes and every single time she's on her phone. Every time we go out for the day we are on the last minute got the bus or train because area on her phone. It makes days out and any reason to be out of the house stressful. From now on I'll leave her to it regarding school and the hairdressers and if she's not ready to leave the house on time for days out then she'll miss out. GP and dentist need me to take her and I don't want the dentist to remove her from their list.

At 14 both mine had part time jobs if they wanted anything other than standard they bought it themselves.

Our DD14 has to hand over her phone at bedtime and it’s charged downstairs, so no, YANBU. Kids need sleep. We also apply age limits to certain apps but allow access to some older ones if we think she’ll be okay on them.