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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Making daughter go to her dads

27 replies

Sandy1144 · 30/08/2023 18:33

So my daughter is 15 and stays with her dad every other weekend Fri-Sunday. He lives 2 hours away.
She has always enjoyed going but over the last year has said to me some weekends that she doesn’t want to go, specifically if her friends have all made plans. Her 2 closest friends who are twins have separated parents too and they go to their dads every other weekend but the other weekends to her. We did try to ask her dad to change her weekends but because his wife has her children those weekends he won’t switch so they have all 3 children one weekend and the next weekend they have none.
She also has a boyfriend now who also goes to his dads every other weekend the same ones as her friends.

Next weekend her friend is having a big 16th birthday party on the Saturday with a sleepover afterwards and she has told her dad she wants to go to it And so can she just stay home that weekend. He has insisted that he pick her up on the Friday evening still and will drop her back at 4pm for the party at 5pm. She really doesn’t want to do this as all her friends are getting ready together from around midday but he has said he won’t drop her back at that time because his wife needs the car that day.
She has had a few tears to me and been really upset.

we have a court order in place that states she isn’t allowed any contact with his father (who has sexual offences) but it also states that he has her every other weekend and in holidays that we agree to. We have at times had to work around for events (like his holidays so she has stayed at home for 2/3 weekends at once)

she was self harming last year which stopped and last weekend whilst staying with him she did it again. I do not think it’s because of staying there. Not at all. I have spoken to Gp and we have been referred too.
min just mentioning this because I worry she is feeling a little low at the moment and how missing this big event of her friends and where everyone will be talking about before and after will really effect her.

I do try and facilitate as much as possible and if she says she doesn’t want to go because of plans I will try find an alternative like going on the Sunday with him or the next weekend (which doesn’t suit him because it’s their child free time) but I find it draining, he texts me to say this is what is happening and then she is crying and I feel awful.

If she doesn’t go I know he will say it’s me not making her but will I get in trouble with the court order or at 15 is she old enough to make that decision?
not just for next weekend as a one off but for future weekends too?

I’m sorry that that was so long and appreciate if you have read this far and any advice.

OP posts:
wp65 · 30/08/2023 18:37

It seems to me he is being very inflexible. Why can't he have her on a different weekend as a one off? Why must it always be your daughter who is the one inconvenienced? I'm not sure what the answer is here though. I don't think you can force her to go, despite the court order. She's not a little child. So perhaps let her stay home with you this weekend, and let her dad huff about it.

wp65 · 30/08/2023 18:38

I also just want to add that I think it's really important she gets to go to the 'getting ready' part of the party too. These things are so important when you're a teenager.

Iamacatslave · 30/08/2023 18:39

He needs to listen to his daughter. At age 15, she is old enough to make the decision not to stay over at her dad’s. Regarding the court order, you won’t get into any trouble.

Bumdrops · 30/08/2023 19:21

She’s old enough to make her own mind up about contact with father -
a court would not make a 15 year do this …
and I wouldn’t either if it were my DD

Original poster
Sandy1144 · 30/08/2023 20:17

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve text him to say I don’t think it’s fair that she misses out with her mates getting ready for the party and that she is really upset about it and that he can pick her up next weekend but he said that doesn’t work for him because he has plans and in the future she isn’t to make any plans on his weekend and he has told her that.

im going to let her stay home and enjoy the time with her friends, of course. I just didn’t know if I could get into trouble with the courts as we don’t have the best relationship and he has done everything possible that he thinks would get to me or effect me in the past.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 30/08/2023 20:23

im going to let her stay home and enjoy the time with her friends, of course. I just didn’t know if I could get into trouble with the courts

You're not. Don't worry.

saffronsoup · 30/08/2023 20:27

At her age it is common for custody to start changing due to friends, sports, jobs, hobbies etc.

If he can't be flexible and change weekends or get her to her social events, she is going to stop going. That is a the reality of her being a teen and having more control. He will have to adapt or he will lose out. He may have to drive down and take her for breakfast or a dinner during the week etc. Parents have to do a lot of work to maintain relationships with teens. If she doesn't see that effort, she will drift away.

ShellySarah · 30/08/2023 20:30

Don't make her go. She's 15 not 5.

The court wouldn't force her to go at that age.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 20:33

At 12 and 14 my ds's stopped seeing their df... Court order in place but never heard from ex or his solicitor.. Your ex needs some respect for his dd before she dumps him altogether..

BHRK · 30/08/2023 20:45

You’re doing the right thing letting her be with her friends. He will soon learn that he either needs to swap the weekends or he won’t see her

Namechangedforthis2244 · 30/08/2023 20:54

If you’re worried about the court order, each time she cancels contact I’d be suggesting that she offers an alternative.

So, something along the lines of “I’m not free to come to yours this weekend as it’s Fred’s party, but would you like to do cinema and dinner together on Friday night just the two of us?”

If he says no then at least you’ve offered an alternative. I’d also point out to him that at 15 her parent-free time is the equal of his child-free time. So if he won’t have her one weekend in two because he’s with his wife, it’s reasonable that she also says no to the times that she’s with her friends

MorningOclock · 30/08/2023 21:03

Why could twins parents not swap weekends to accommodate? Or boyfriends parents? When you switch the question, I can see why your DD’s father did not want to swap.

At 15, your DD should have say in if she goes and how often etc. Can her father take her out for dinner on the Friday night instead so they get to see eachother?

You sound like a lovely Mum, am sure your DD will have a great time and it’ll all work out.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 30/08/2023 21:23

You absolutly will not get into trouble.
A court order ends at 16.
A court would not enforce or create an order for a 15 year old.

She can even stop the weekends whenever she wants. You might want to let her know she's the one who controls this now. Not him.

waterrat · 30/08/2023 21:52

He needs to see thst this will be the beginning of the end of their relationship if he cant be flexible. Even if he tries to hold on within a year or so it will be ridiculous the idea if custody weekends

I really feel for your daughter. She is a growing young person not a toddler and if he cant see thst and just let her cone when it suits her she will eventually stop going all together.

I thino surely the whole time of forced visits is now over ?

waterrat · 30/08/2023 21:53

So cruel to say a 15 year old can have no plans every other weekend

AmandaHoldensLips · 30/08/2023 21:56

You are doing the right thing in standing up for what your daughter wants.

You won't get into trouble for it. Your daughter's wishes will be held as paramount for the court as she is old enough to make these decisions now.

Don't let him bully her.

purplebluediscorain · 30/08/2023 22:02

Well done to you mum! The courts start listening to the child as they get older and the more you make sure you put your daughter first which you are he’ll realise he’ll loose her! I’m so proud of you and I don’t even know you haha! I hope she has the best time at the party and an even nicer time at home with you and all her friends this weekend.

don’t worry you’re putting the needs and wants of your child first above a selfish ass!

OfficerChurlish · 30/08/2023 22:09

Definitely take your cues from her, not him. If she wants to spend weekends with him (in addition to having a social life with her friends) then I'd keep pushing him, and/or helping her push him, to make time for her. But "don't make any plans on my weekend" sounds like someone who's never met a teen before.

Keep in mind, if he'd been doing his fair half of the childcare responsibilities since the two of you split up and she'd been spending 50% of her parent time with him, she'd likely have friends local to where he lives as well and be making plans with them on weekends and wanting to go to his. Because he didn't, her life is now centered where you live and he's going to have to do the work to fit himself in. If she's not interested in going to his, I would definitely not insist.

caban · 30/08/2023 22:15

At 15 it is definitely up to her to make arrangements with her dad.

Your job is just to make her available.

If her dad isn't prepared to see her when she is free, that's his choice.

adriftabroad · 30/08/2023 22:25

DD (15) has refused to see her father. Courts are fine with it.

Original poster
Sandy1144 · 30/08/2023 23:24

thank you everyone for your replies. I don’t know how to reply to everyone individually. I’ve lurked for years and only posted a couple of times but I really appreciate all the replies. You have really made me feel so much better and confident in making decisions that benefit her and make sure that she is having the social life that a 15 year old should be having.

I do of course tell her to always offer alternatives but he won’t take just a day or an evening with her as he says it’s pointless so it proves difficult. And he just ends up texting me moaning and telling her she has to go. She doesn’t make plans that she can help on his weekend but things like birthdays/certain events have the dates already set out.
she has no friends near his either, her step siblings are 7+years younger and a lot of the time she ends up ‘babysitting’ them.

I do understand it’s difficult for him to accept he won’t see her as much, I did tell him that this would probably start happening last year. I hardly ever see her when she is at home because she always has plans or wants to chill out in her room.

OP posts:
Reugny · 31/08/2023 01:46

And he just ends up texting me moaning and telling her she has to go.

PPs like caban have said it so tell him as she is 15 he should make his contact arrangements directly with her. Then don't reply to any messages about their contact regardless if he moans to you and threatens you with Court.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 31/08/2023 08:16

Reugny · 31/08/2023 01:46

And he just ends up texting me moaning and telling her she has to go.

PPs like caban have said it so tell him as she is 15 he should make his contact arrangements directly with her. Then don't reply to any messages about their contact regardless if he moans to you and threatens you with Court.

I agree. I just wouldn't reply to the moaning and tell your DD that she doesn't have to or feel guilty either.

Spirallingdownwards · 31/08/2023 08:23

I agree she should just stop going altogether if that is what she wants or tell him she can't make x and y weekends. If he think it's pointless just meeting her for dinner that says quite a bit about him doesn't it!

ImTheBakerLiteGirl · 31/08/2023 08:24

Don't deal with him. I generally didn't after my kids got to 15. Their dad, their arrangements.
Of course I did if my boys needed me too, or he wanted something. But it's great to just back right out!!
He's lucky she's got to 15 and still wants to see him.

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