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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sibling rivalry

9 replies

MadeleineMummy · 29/08/2023 21:07

My Eldest daughter has split up with her boyfriend. She braved his petty crime sprees, infidelity, arguments and verbal and physical abuse while arguing with me about him all the time, then he dumped her to my great relief. After she had bought him £160 trainers for his birthday as well as lavish lots of cash on him.

However, my son is constantly really nasty about it and they usually argue. When they are around each other, he says’”haha you’ve been dumped” or, “He’s smart, waited for you to give him a birthday present before dumping you” or stuff along the lines of mum was right. He also makes the “L(oser)” sign and is really tormenting her. This is just the tip of the iceberg and would not want to repeat the really quite cutting stuff that he says about her.

i cannot make it stop and feel really ineffective as a parent. He seems to lack any empathy and really torments her. She spends hours crying about her boyfriend but her brother seems to be unbothered by her feelings and just seems to relish making her life a misery or tormenting her. I have had words with him and he promises to stop in the moment but it just repeats itself. I have asked her to ignore him, but she cannot. I seem to have lost control now. My eldest is 17 and my son is 15.

I am a single parent and feel I have lost control in my house. I have two individuals who just seem to want to damage each other and know the dark arts of how to psychologically dismantle each other’s self esteem.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 29/08/2023 21:13

I have no experience of this thankfully but if my 15 year old DS was acting like this to anyone he would be getting more than a word from me.

He would be getting a strongly worded lecture about treating other as you wish to be treated and not being a bully. If he continued he would be getting electronics removed etc.

He is being an absolute brat and needs to be told so.

Member786488 · 29/08/2023 23:21

What is he usually like? Is this an exception or does he have a cruel nature? If not, then i suspect as you say that it’s rivalry and he’s perhaps jealous of your relationship? Or of his sister and what her years allow her to do that he can’t? Or that he’s not important in her life? All these can cause bad beh

Member786488 · 29/08/2023 23:24

Sorry, iPad playing up. Bad behaviour. Instead of punishing him I’d take him out for lunch or similar and ask him what’s going on, really try and talk to him on an adult level. Perhaps they could go out together and talk?

if however he is generally cruel and heartless etc, then this is just a manifestation of a bigger problem.

good luck - it’s horrible when they don’t get on, and so lovely when they do.

Pallisers · 29/08/2023 23:29

I suspect the reason your 17 year old picked a loser boyfriend is the same reason your son is behaving like a cruel loser. Is there a backstory with their father? Is there any other adult they respect who could talk to your son and tell him he is being a cruel dick. Sorry OP. this must be very hard.

In the interim could you tell your 15 year old that if he says one more fucking word about the boyfriend, he doesn't get dinner/wifi/lunch/phone/pocket money whatever. if he wants to participate in family life then he behaves like a decent human being.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 30/08/2023 13:08

There is no massive and interesting backstory. I was married to a really wonderful man who passed away when the children were really young, (1, 3, 5 and 12). I was left to bring up 4 children by myself, work and manage a household.

My eldest daughter passed away when she was 19 so there are only 3 children left now which is why I think they should have some empathy for each other and bond as they only have each other for support. My Dad lives in the US and my mother has advanced dementia. I have lots of friends and work colleagues but no one I can really rely on in an emergency. I have said when I am gone they will need to rely on each other as no one else will help them.

There have never been any other men in their lives and my son has grown up in a household of women, with a few cursory men that he has associated with in school or sports clubs. He ignores my youngest mostly and they bicker slightly, but there is massive sibling rivalry between him and his older sister. She was the one who left the roost and for about a year spent most of the time out of the house and we never really saw her. She has given me lots of stress and I have had to put the youngest children in the car to search for her at midnight or later when she at 16 didn’t come home and was not answering her phone. Now she has come back home, I think the others feel I am treating her a bit like the prodigal son, but I still have time for all my other children and they have equal time. I even schedule special time for them each week to catch up and do stuff individually. I have now added my daughter into the roster as well as she spends most of her time at home as she has alienated most of her old friends going out with her ex.

I am exhausted with it all and both the stick and the carrot don’t seem to work.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 30/08/2023 19:20

Gosh, OP, you have been dealt a very hard hand and have managed by yourself - my hat is off to you.

I think you've probably nailed it with the prodigal son analogy. I have 3 children and the middle one had a lot of mental health issues in adolescence. It had an effect on the others too. Even though I know we spent time with the other 2 and focused on them too, my youngest said once "it feels like the Mary Show all the time in this house". We ended up having a family therapist who helped a lot and who saw the other children too at times. Is there any possibility of doing something like this? it must be so hard for you.

Original poster
MadeleineMummy · 30/08/2023 19:49

We are comfortable but not wealthy. I have little spare cash to spend on therapy.

I have tried a CAHMS referral and have spoke to the school councillor but they have been next to useless.

I sometime feel that I have to solve all family problems as I have no one to turn to and have realised that I don’t seem to have any friends that I would trust to reveal the problems that I have.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2023 20:23

He may be angry at the trouble she caused you. He has seen you suffering and worried and really resents her bringing that trouble into the house. He may have misguided feelings of responsibility for being the man of the house but no clue what to do. He may have been afraid she would die like her sister or some such anxiety and now he wants her to suffer for affecting him so much.
My friend has a ds and a dd who were very close growing up and then she totally went down a wayward road with drugs etc. Now she is back on track but he has no time for her. He is so angry at the heartbreak and worry she caused and does tease her about her " deadbeat" job etc. Their parents have constantly said to him that he need not feel a loyally to them to do this as they have recovered and are just so glad she is doing well but he cannot let it go. It's like a personal grievance he has that she let the family down..or something.
Could you speak to your ds saying you know he is angry but you don't need him to administer punishment. He doesn't need to like her but he has to stop saying things. Otherwise he is being as wayward as her..being a bully and bringing increasing trouble to your home. Totally let rip if he continues saying it is not acceptable in your home.
You and your dc have experienced great pain. Would family therapy be a possibility?

0MammaBear0 · 05/11/2023 20:59

MadeleineMummy · 30/08/2023 13:08

There is no massive and interesting backstory. I was married to a really wonderful man who passed away when the children were really young, (1, 3, 5 and 12). I was left to bring up 4 children by myself, work and manage a household.

My eldest daughter passed away when she was 19 so there are only 3 children left now which is why I think they should have some empathy for each other and bond as they only have each other for support. My Dad lives in the US and my mother has advanced dementia. I have lots of friends and work colleagues but no one I can really rely on in an emergency. I have said when I am gone they will need to rely on each other as no one else will help them.

There have never been any other men in their lives and my son has grown up in a household of women, with a few cursory men that he has associated with in school or sports clubs. He ignores my youngest mostly and they bicker slightly, but there is massive sibling rivalry between him and his older sister. She was the one who left the roost and for about a year spent most of the time out of the house and we never really saw her. She has given me lots of stress and I have had to put the youngest children in the car to search for her at midnight or later when she at 16 didn’t come home and was not answering her phone. Now she has come back home, I think the others feel I am treating her a bit like the prodigal son, but I still have time for all my other children and they have equal time. I even schedule special time for them each week to catch up and do stuff individually. I have now added my daughter into the roster as well as she spends most of her time at home as she has alienated most of her old friends going out with her ex.

I am exhausted with it all and both the stick and the carrot don’t seem to work.

You've done the best you could in your extremely difficult and painful situation and I'm very sorry for your losses... The problem seems to be that growing up they've only had women around them and they lack a male model. Your son doesn't know what to emulate and your daughter doesn't know what to look for in a guy...

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