worried/sad for DS13 - friendships

[pinkmonzo]

Namechanged as a few IRL mum friends on here who know my name!

DS13 has had the same small group of friends since primary school, all very sweet and they all went onto the same local senior school. DS always seemed very popular within the group, with mates often coming to our house and wanting to do stuff with him all the time.

Things seemed to shift in the last term of year 8. Their circle had widened a bit to include some new kids and DS said there was one boy who was being a bit bullying towards him and a few others. After one evening seeming upset and talking it through, DS shrugged it off, and seemed happy as ever with the 'original' friends - so seemingly fine.

However, over the summer DS's close friends have been around far, far less - although it's hard to tell with people being away etc. A few weeks ago, my daughter said one evening DS got upset that a friend in the wider circle had de-friended him on an online game, though DS didn't mention to me and I didn't raise it.

Today he made a plan to go hang out with a few of his close friends. He did spend the day with them and had a good time, but just now came home and said a few of them had gone on to another mate's house. DS had actually invited one of the friends to stay over tonight - friend said he couldn't, but then was obviously going to the other mate's house for the night 🙄

DS seems okay, and I know that's the most important thing, but I'm worried he's being excluded from the group. It all feels different and strange. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous, but I just feel a bit worried for him and what the next school year holds. Any thoughts/advice on how to handle?

Try not to be too upset in front of him or to overthink it. Boys will fall out during gaming sessions and then fall back in with each other. some boys will have a couple of the gang over for the evening but maybe parents said not the whole crowd. There could be lots of legitimate reasons.

Encourage him to spread his wings a bit. If he focuses on a couple of activities he truly loves, this will give him an extra layer of social connection - if he loves the outdoors - scouts, cadets or sea scouts; if he;s sporty football, rugby or tennis. A local youth orchestra, choir, drama club or rock music group; coding or chess club etc. Look into what's around that he genuinely enjoys and make sure he gets involved. That way if school friendships drift, he has stuff outside school to look forward to.

But also, maybe make an effort with the old friends. I used to invite DC's mates around. Make pizzas, light a firepit, make memorable evenings so they enjoyed coming over. It was a bit tactical on my part as DC are neurodiverse and one in particular struggled to make friends when younger. But is absolutely fine now.

@TotalOverhaul - thank you so much for your kind words. I guess the problem is that he's had the same group of friends for so many years - and a lot of them do the same extra-curricular stuff/sport all together too.

I've also been trying to quietly encourage making an effort as the new term is starting - ie sleepover invite for tonight etc, but it was clear DS's mate opted to go to another friend's house instead. Just seems like DS used to be in centre of things and now this isn't the case, and I can't think what has changed or what DS might have done to cause this 😞 I'm not a 'my child is perfect' by any stretch - but he's got a great sense of humour, parents/teachers say how kind and loyal he is (although he's definitely not a goodie two shoes!), pretty mature as has older siblings, but also a bit goofy...I don't know.

He's clearly noticed a bit of a change in the dynamics too, but I get the impression he's trying not to dwell on it. I'm proud of his resilience, though as someone who had childhood friends that lasted well into my teens and to this day, I feel a bit weird about it...

I think it's important for kids to have a wider social circle than one group of friends. Kids will fall out and it leaves them feeling a little lost. Encourage him to meet new friends aswell as stay in touch with the current group.

@insatiableme - yes I totally agree, but it's been hard to orchestrate. Same school for all these years, same local area - and his group has moved as a bit of a tribe in the past (ie most of them do the same out of school sports clubs).

The classes mix up a bit for year 9 and I am hoping that will help, and I will also encourage him to develop some more independent interests.

I suppose that because a) I thought boys were a bit more inclusive than girls and this seemed like such a happy, solid group of boys and b) I was lucky to have such great friends in my teens, I just feel a bit down about it

It's such a hard age. My daughter is struggling also at the moment going into year eight. And it hurts us seeing them being excluded from the group also.
The mix up of classes will help I'm sure as it pushes them to mix with children they wouldn't normally mix with.

I could have written your post except my son is 16 but things began to fall apart around the age of 14/15 … popular in primary school, close pals, sleepovers etc …. Out of the blue, he got suspended from school after being found with drugs. After seeing therapists/psychiatrists we are on wait list for possible ASD assessment … he has no friends and cries with loneliness. Not that I think your son is similar, I am sure he will be fine, but I just wish I had realised earlier that my DS was struggling terribly with friendships and took drugs, hoping another group of lads would hang out with him. It’s heartbreaking 💔

@insatiableme and @Wildehorses - thank you and so sorry to hear your kids have struggled. It does seem to be a challenging age for friendships.

@Wildehorses - that sounds very hard for you. Were those same friends also caught up with the school stuff? If it helps at all, I do know kids (both my own generation, and some now young adults) who suffered from some mental health issues/social anxiety following episodes with drugs…BUT they are all absolutely fine now! It does seem to be a bit of a lottery how people react but I very much hope things improve for your son xxx