I hate my dd

[ZombieBoob]

Such a horrible thing to say but DD 13 is just horrible. She is just so nasty. We are currently on day 4 of abuse from her. Usally its one day then two days peace. She has no respect for anything. She shits on anything good. holes in doors. Constant nasty vile things out her mouth. She steals even though she had a paper round. (Got fired this week for binning the papers)

I'm just worn down I can't keep doing this. The younger kids are terrified of her. I honestly don't know what to do. She can't live with her dad as he's a drug waste of space.

She's just started with a psychotherapist so hopefully that might make a dent in something.

I just honestly don't know what to do. I've tried social services and I get oh you cope well. I try so so hard to not hold a grudge and try again the next day to be met with more abuse. I'm counting down the days until she's 16 and can move out (Scotland) I feel so trapped like I can't breathe.

I have a DS who is 13. He was a complete and utter nightmare from 3-11 years but has suddenly become a complete delight, mostly.

Has there been a change in your DD or has she always been hardwork?

One of my good friends is a child psychiatrist and we spoke about this over lunch yesterday. She explained that the frontal cortex, which governs rational thought, behavior etc has not yet fully developed. Their Amagdala (which governs emotjons) is throwing out all these feelings, but the frontal cortex cannot yet help balance these emotions out and provide context.

I hope the psychotherapist helps.

Hang in there mama.

It's ok to hate your kids sometimes. They are hard and take everything out on the people that love them. It's worse as a dinky mum, you get all of it.

I'm in similar position with my daughter. She's hormonal AF and hates everything I say and do. She is responsive and lovely with others but I get all the nastiness. It hurts.

Therapy a good shout. And nearly time to send them back to school which will help.

I read somewhere that children and teens act out how they are feeling. For example If they make you feel hated and unhappy and like your failing, then that's how they feel. I don't know if it's right but it sometimes helps me to flip the situation on its head and find some compassion.

Also, the worse they are with you it means you are her safe space. I know I am for mine and it can kill me.

There's an idea in our culture that we will not make the mistakes of our parents and be good parents and our children will thank us for it. But most will hate their parents either way. All you can do is try to not lower yourself to her level and to be consistent and keep Chanel's of Comms open. Otherwise it's about weathering the storm. It's hard. So hard.

And I mess up. I've reacted to my daughter and been horrible a few times and that's so much worse. The shame and guilt was agony. I taught her nothing and was momentarily a terrible mum. But you are allowed to apologise and try again. That's human and teaches them the power of owning your actions. I hope.

Wish I had more knowledge on this. Following with curiosity

Yep the whole safe place thing I've has that a few times.

She's always been difficult. Currently she's swanned off outside no shoes or anything pissing rain screaming obscenitys.

I dispear. What the neighbours must think

Because I wouldn't answer her vile comments with an answer

Op what do you mean she is outside with no shoes on in the rain? Please go and get her, or take a coat and shoes.

It sounds like she is crying out for help. Is she being bullied? Is she being groomed? Had she been assessed? Has she been sexually assaulted?

I would be extremely concerned for her.

I've had every assessment done. She's back in now. If I had followed her out there she wouldn't come back in. She's come in now. Decided the rain wasn't as much fun as hurting me (her words) And woke the little ones up

She is a child op, I know it’s very stressful but there is ALWAYS a reason why people/ children do what they do, it doesn’t come from nowhere.

Does she miss having a father? Does she have a nasty stepfather? Does she feel ignored or sidelined? I hope the psychotherapist can help.

You need to find out and really start to listen to her.

Yeah I know I'm just so worn out. I don't know what else I can do for her. I've tried everything I can think of. Her step dad is fantastic with her. Takes it all in his stride. Isn't trying to be dad. More back ground type of thing. She goes to him when she's having problems that she dosent want to talk about with me.
School may be a problem she got taken out her maths class on Friday due to her behaviour and has a detention due tomorrow. Wonder if that's triggered something tonight.

I try to make time for just me and her every day. But she normally rejects it anyways

it may be the detention as she will feel upset about it and unlikely to own her behaviour if emotionally immature ?

schools currently believe it is working to get students back into their education by punishing them with detention but it often causes students to further disengage and to start identifying as either the class clown or as the ‘bad’ student, and so continues the struggle.

She just seems so disengaged with everything. She honestly doesn't care.
She's threatening me that tomorrow is just going to be the same again but worse so we shall see. I'm going to call the school too see if they've noticed anything.

She makes loving her so hard.

She is very young and not coping emotionally and lashing out. You are wise not to answer and avoid getting into an angry verbal exchange. Very hard but you both have a better chance of getting through this - if you can show her that above all else you just want to speak with respect and to stay calm- which is easier said than done when her behaviour is very very upsetting and frustrating for the whole family. I hope you both can find some peace with things soon, and she can feel able to talk with you about her feelings calmly - hopefully the counselling will help her start to understand what she’s going through and deal with her anger management problems .

It sounds crazy but if you can remember the little girl she once was, the funny quirks and cute little things she did -and how much fun it was to be her mum back then, when she did whatever the things that made everyone smile- that’s the memory you keep strong in your mind, every day, and despite her being cold, keep showing her love, in lots of small ways whenever you can.

Tell her you love her, you’re not giving up on her and you believe she can be an amazing young woman, and you will support her with the ups and downs.

I'm sure my mum would have said this about me at 14. I had been groomed and raped and was unable to tell anyone so behaved badly, desperate for someone to notice me. But no one did. My parents were alcoholics and it sounds as if your daughter has experienced a parent with addiction issues in terms of her dad. Did she witness things she shouldn't have or experience abuse?

Maybe something truly awful you don't know about has happened and she just needs to be noticed and heard. What she needs most right now is love. Teenagers need as much parenting as toddlers imo. They need calm, rational parents who provide consistent love, attention and boundaries.

No matter how badly she's behaving she deserves to be loved and cared for, not hated.

I 100% agree about needing loved. She just makes it so so hard. Kicked out of class again today and another after school detention. She'd been OKish yesterday so thought it might have turned a corner so we shall see when she gets in.

Regarding her dad she never witnessed any drug taking he'd do it when she was in bed. Now that we aren't together he does it all the time. I'm also a victim of childhood sexual abuse. She's never been left in situations that it could of happened to my knowledge anyways I get that dosent mean it hasn't happened though.

I called her psychotherapist and she's looking at the possibility of PDA Austism. She's going to put her for an assessment for that.

Back away and reduce her audience op. A year ago my dd was absolutely hideous.. Took 2 attempts at overdosing. The first time the nurses were faffing around her and I wanted someone to tell what how bloody stupid she was! I lost wages and spent a fortune staying in with her... The elephant in the room when we weren't allowed to actually mention why she was there.. Second time the verbal abuse I got stopped me going with her. Claimed she hadn't wanted me there the first time etc so I stayed away. She actually regained some sort of humanity faster that time. No relapse and on a year she is a different girl now. Bite your tongue and leave the room op. It is exhausting.... I feel for you honestly..

I think she defo has something psychological going. The autism world explain a lot. My DD has adhd and self harmed because she was so frustrated she didn't know how to fit in or be like other kids and can't keep up. So girls mask it and the most effective mask/defence mechanism is hate and rudeness/backchat.

Re her going out in the rain, you can try to bring her back but sometimes when my daughter is angry she will do worse and worse things if I am there to see it. She wants a big reaction. If she's sad she'll allow me to help but if it's anger she's doing it to provoke something. If I walk away and appear not to have noticed she quickly figures out there is no point and calms down in her own and comes back.

This thread will give suggestions but you can't take anyone's advice because it's not the what she is doing that matters, it's why she is doing it. Without that you're stabbing in the dark.

Don't let her abuse you verbally or physically though. Not just to protect you but to protect her. The chronic shame that follows for them if they have hurt you makes it worse and makes it a cycle. There are different ways and means of doing this. One is to say no I wont have that, and walk away. Another is called something like non violent confrontation - Google it, it's a way to stop the behaviour without it escalating or leafing her to entrench. Any child psych will want to understand what the pay off for the behaviour is, if it's attention and a drama and you give that then perversely you are rewarding the behaviour.

But if she has autism, or is a victim of something external the response might be different. You know her best.

Finally it is ok to take a break. Leave her with someone or make some kind of arrangement to tie her up away from you so you can take a moment to rejuvenate.

They say even the most successful SAS soldiers only survive if they make time for R&R. Anc this isn't much different, it's a war of a different kind but the mental techniques are the same.

I'm with you. I'm going though it too. It's awful and hard. And you get pushed to your limits. She sounds like she wants to see if she can break you, but you mustn't let her do that because she doesn't understand what she's doing and she needs you. Xxxx

Thank you guys. Its nice that other parents get it too and it's not just me thats fucked everything up. I do walk away as much as I can (she follows) if I can't physically get away I'll busy myself with something and tune it out. She didn't turn up for detention today so she's now got another which seems a bit silly.

She dosent seem bothered though she's not hurling abuse at me every second so improvement. She's not started her periods yet don't know if there's a bit of a pattern regarding hormones. She's 14 in November and a slim build

She sounds exhausting - poor her and poor you!

You sound to have done everything you can so far and you have asked for help.

I hesitate to offer advice but can only tell you that children I fostered did behave like this and often did target the person they most needed love from at the time. (Usually me as foster mother.)

They made themselves as unlovable as possible and then waited to be rejected.

However horrible they were and however miserable the day had been I found that it was really really important to say and show love in unambiguous ways. (Often through gritted teeth and always without reference to the horrible behaviour.)

This sounds obvious but it was more important with the ones behaving badly!

When they come round it is amazing 🤩. I hope this happens for you very soon.

Gosh, I feel your anguish. A paediatric psychiatrist suggested this book to me…

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Sixth-Understanding-Chronically/dp/0063092468/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=223MCI79KH2KL&keywords=the+explosive+child&qid=1706312139&sprefix=the+explisive%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-1

Oh darling I would be annoyed too she sounds a right pain! But maybe this is stemming from her father’s bad example? Poor girl is probably terrified and feeling unstable, and doesn’t have anywhere to let her anger out. I would recommend putting her in a sport or activity where she can channel her anger (eg boxing - has made a world of difference with my 10yo DS)

Thank you. We've made a bit of progress this last week, hurrah!

She started her period, so I'm wondering if all that had something to do with it. She also hasn't seen her dad in a while. He's also announced his got his new gf pregnant over a text, which I don't think helped things.

She has even been emptying the dishwasher when asked!!

Doing her collage link application today, she's very excited at the thought of being grown up at college while still at high school.

Don't get me wrong, there's still been a few moments of name calling and door slamming, but I'll take that over how it has been. Long may it last.