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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

College, attitude and overall stress caused please help!

9 replies

mummytippy · 27/08/2023 17:37

My DS left school last year, he left with 2 GCSEs. He failed his Maths and English getting Grade 3s in those. He did however get a Grade 7 in Art and a Grade 6 in Music. This was a combination of being in the wrong crowd and having Dyslexia.

At the time he had a conditional offer at the local Sixth Form which has an Outstanding Ofsted accreditation. Unfortunately, this was withdrawn due to him not having Maths or English. He had his heart set on 3 A Levels there as was considering Architecture as a career. Anyway, as he didn't meet the entry requirements, his offer was withdrawn and he chose a different course at a different college. On 'the hoof' he chose Painting and Decorating Level 1 at the technological college alongside re-sit classes for Maths and English.

To keep a very long and stressful story short, my son hated the painting and decorating course and did not spend too much time in college. I received phone calls almost every other day to find out where he was, and I attended as many meetings as he did classes. Everyone knew his name and they actually ended the level one course early and passed him on it so he 'could focus on his re-sits and exams'. Reading between the lines the staff were sick and tired of him and a few of his friends he'd re-connected with from school. none of them were applying themselves and were constant pains in the rear. Deadbeats in my opinion (a lot of them smoking Weed) and I was upset as my son is clever but hadn't been correctly supported.

We went to the college on Thursday to collect his GCSE results. While there I chatted to the Principal and mentioned what had happened last year with the sixth form and what their requirements were. At this point my son is wanting to do Bricklaying which again falls under the construction department. Knowing how he behaved last year and how workshy on physical labour my son was, I naturally have reservations. The principal of the technological college said that she felt he should go to the sixth form to see if they would accept him with the Maths GCSE.

I had actually emailed the Principal of the sixth form just before the summer holidays to remind her of my son. She had been contacted by his secondary school in September last year to see if anything could be done as they were partly responsible for him not getting grade 4s. Basically they did not put any exam provision in for him despite him having Dyslexia. In fact they turned around and said they didn't know he had it! In her email the Principal of the Sixth Form said based on everything that had happened, she would accept him with Maths and English.

Anyway, on Friday we took the advice of the technological college Principal and went to the sixth form in the morning. My son did not want to go... but agreed. I'd said to keep an open mind.

We took his Art portfolio and based on the standard of his work, they have offered him a place to study 3D Art and Design and Graphic Design at A Level with his GCSE English resit classes. I am absolutely pleased as punch but my DS is set on wanting to do the bricklaying course all his mates are doing. The Head of Art said the standard of his work was exceptional and he would rediscover himself and be studying with like minded people. This did raise a smile.

My point in posting today is to ask what do you think I should do to encourage him to at least give this very important opportunity a try? Until after the November resit exams. I think his confidence has been dented and that he has been acting 'dumb' to fit in with the mates at technological college. I honestly feel that a change in peers is what he needs too and after all, he can still see his mates outside of college. Any advice on how to sway him would be most welcome. TIA.

OP posts:
mummytippy · 28/08/2023 09:55

bump

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 28/08/2023 10:00

Does he actually want to work as a builder? Has he done any work experience on a building site? Because otherwise the bricklaying course sounds a waste of time.

WomanFromTheNorth · 28/08/2023 10:06

I feel your pain and frustration - had similar with my own son, but all you can let him do is find out the hard way. You can try to coax him but ultimately you can't force him. Could you offer to pay him to go to sixth form? give him more pocket money than he would normally get? Otherwise, you've just got to let him fuck up and find his own way...eventually. Good luck.

WomanFromTheNorth · 28/08/2023 10:08

Needmorelego · 28/08/2023 10:00

Does he actually want to work as a builder? Has he done any work experience on a building site? Because otherwise the bricklaying course sounds a waste of time.

Of course it's a waste of time but he just wants to be with his mates and doss about.

teachername · 28/08/2023 11:12

The school not supporting him regarding his learning needs is unacceptable but that is the only thing they are responsible for. Him getting in the wrong crowd and continuing to be with them is a choice he is responsible for. And it is a choice.

Have you asked him why he is making and continues to make that choice?

As to persuading him, I think you could lay out the two paths in front of him - the staying with mates and do the bricklaying course or the chance to shine on the art/design course. You as his parent (and his dad if he's around?) also need to work on giving him a sense of self worth, that he is much more than academia and his mates.
It might be worth talking to him about successful people with dyslexia, how they are valued within the likes of NASA for example for their unique skills and abilities.

Kazzyhoward · 28/08/2023 11:19

WomanFromTheNorth · 28/08/2023 10:08

Of course it's a waste of time but he just wants to be with his mates and doss about.

100% this. He may be in with the "wrong crowd" in your opinion, but it's the "right crowd" in his mind that he wants to be with. It's not accidental that he got in with them in the first place, it's not accidental that he wants to do college courses with them.

As parents, we often "know" what's right and what's wrong for our children, but we can only advise and guide them, and hope they make good choices. It sounds as if you son wants to doss around, smoke weed, drink, etc. There's not a lot you can do about it except talk to him and advise him.

Sometimes they have to learn from their own mistakes. You son isn't the first, and won't be the last, to foul up their education opportunities!

mummytippy · 22/02/2024 12:14

Thank you to everyone that’s commented on my post. Apologies for the delay in coming back to you all.

So my DS started at the Sixth Form in September taking up the offer to study there which I’m obviously pleased about. He’s studying 2 Art subjects at A Level and is resitting his English Language GCSE.
Unfortunately in the November resit he scored 79 marks, where 80 was required for a pass! College had his paper re-marked as he was only one mark away from a pass, and it came back as 74! He gained -3 on one paper and +8 on the other! Anyway, moving on and looking to the summer resits now! I’m so grateful for the opportunity he’s been given.

He has struggled with attendance but hopefully now he has turned a corner after attending a meeting with his form tutor. she has lined him up to have a meeting with the careers department soon to help give him focus.

I basically asked him (based on his experience of the painting and decorating course), would you like to be heaving bricks around on a building site in all weathers, or designing things sat at a desk? He had no answer but started college. I also said if he didn’t go or left (and this was reiterated when attendance blips popped up), he’d have to take a full time job and pay me weekly board money. As an incentive, I have increased his weekly pocket money (attendance based).

He still has attitude and smokes vapes and weed, so I'm working on encouraging him to quit that by trying to encourage him to eat healthily and to exercise more. I’ve also been showing him potential jobs he could obtain with his qualifications and their salaries.

Thank you again for your comments and support.

It's the first parents evening tonight so fingers crossed. I know from the meeting with his tutor that she said he’s currently on track to get grade Cs in both his A Levels.

OP posts:
pokebowls · 22/02/2024 12:29

a few of his friends he'd re-connected with from school. none of them were applying themselves and were constant pains in the rear. Deadbeats in my opinion (a lot of them smoking Weed) and I was upset as my son is clever but hadn't been correctly supported.

Please rethink this. Your son is also smoking weed etc. everyone thinks their dc is just a poor kid being dragged into the gutter by some deadbeat loser dc.

He is one of them. Each one of them has a story. Their parents may be thinking your son is the deadbeat loser kid that is dragging their dc down

Getting this clarity and honesty is important in moving forward. Thinking 'Poor Johnny is so bright and if it wasn't for those terrible wasters.....' leads you to make inappropriate decisions.

EarthlyNightshade · 24/02/2024 11:25

mummytippy · 22/02/2024 12:14

Thank you to everyone that’s commented on my post. Apologies for the delay in coming back to you all.

So my DS started at the Sixth Form in September taking up the offer to study there which I’m obviously pleased about. He’s studying 2 Art subjects at A Level and is resitting his English Language GCSE.
Unfortunately in the November resit he scored 79 marks, where 80 was required for a pass! College had his paper re-marked as he was only one mark away from a pass, and it came back as 74! He gained -3 on one paper and +8 on the other! Anyway, moving on and looking to the summer resits now! I’m so grateful for the opportunity he’s been given.

He has struggled with attendance but hopefully now he has turned a corner after attending a meeting with his form tutor. she has lined him up to have a meeting with the careers department soon to help give him focus.

I basically asked him (based on his experience of the painting and decorating course), would you like to be heaving bricks around on a building site in all weathers, or designing things sat at a desk? He had no answer but started college. I also said if he didn’t go or left (and this was reiterated when attendance blips popped up), he’d have to take a full time job and pay me weekly board money. As an incentive, I have increased his weekly pocket money (attendance based).

He still has attitude and smokes vapes and weed, so I'm working on encouraging him to quit that by trying to encourage him to eat healthily and to exercise more. I’ve also been showing him potential jobs he could obtain with his qualifications and their salaries.

Thank you again for your comments and support.

It's the first parents evening tonight so fingers crossed. I know from the meeting with his tutor that she said he’s currently on track to get grade Cs in both his A Levels.

Sounds like things are going better for you, fingers crossed they stay that way.
Teenagers take all kinds of crazy paths to get where they need to get.

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