Do I ask him again?

[LucyGru]

About 6 months ago 15yo DS suddenly had a new friend. I had never heard of her, and then they did everything together.

After a while I asked if she was his girlfriend, and he said not. Just friends.

There's no reason he'd want to keep it a secret if she was a girlfriend, other than general teenage awkwardness. We're a pretty friendly and respectful family, and he wouldn't be in trouble, nor would he be badgered about it.

This has gone on, and I'm less and less convinced that this is a platonic friendship. She buys him presents. They videocall late into the night. Hours and hours on the phone. Mooching round the local mall. Videogaming together all weekend. She comes over after school and stays for dinner.

It's actually quite intense, and I mentioned to DS that it's important not to drop all his other friends.

Now we're in a silly situation where everyone is still pretending that they are just friends. But are they?? I'm not sure why this is playing on my mind, but I feel like if he's grown-up enough to have a girlfriend then he needs to be grown-up enough to admit it?? But it's actually possible that he is oblivious and unaware that they're a couple. He's VERY vague. And if that's the case, he needs to be careful with this girl's feelings.

She's lovely. She has had an extremely hard time personally over the last few years with a very difficult family situation. DS is a lovely, calm, kind, dependable sort of person. But he's not very sharp about this sort of thing.

I can't quite wrinkle out why I feel like I should do some Parenting about this.

I'm going to post and run. What would you do / say? I'll be back on the thread once I'm home.

I think the 'language' of relationships is very, very different from when many of us were young.

When I was young you might have a girl / boyfriend, which was also known as 'going out' or you might not. IT was simple and straightforward.

I have gleaned from my young adults there are far more stages now, involving things like "talking" which is, apparently completely different from "going out" which is completely different from being "in a relationship" etc etc.

I'm sure someone more au fait with these terms will be along to help soon.

I'd leave him to it. He's at the age when we need to allow our kids to navigate their relationships on their own.

I think it is his business. You're assuming quite a lot e.g. He's VERY vague. And if that's the case, he needs to be careful with this girl's feelings. It is possible he's vague because she's vague, it might be his feelings at risk!

What does matter is his basic standards - all boils down to respect mostly. You can discuss this in general terms not related to this specific person.

I can't quite wrinkle out why I feel like I should do some Parenting about this. Is it just the sense that it is weird not being party to what the situation is?

Yep. Just leave him be. The more you ask the less he's likely to tell you. The girl isn't your responsibility. Maybe they're just friends. Its possible. He'll tell you in his own good time if he wants to. You don't have to tell him about your friendships etc and neither does he. As long as he's OK then relax.

Oh, thank you. Helpful answers!

"I think the 'language' of relationships is very, very different from when many of us were young."
Yes, I think you're right. Maybe there isn't a label and they're just... whatever? And that's fine. It is different from my frame of reference. Good point.

"I'd leave him to it."
Yes, I have just left him to it. I don't want to butt in. I feel like that's the right approach, so I'm not sure why something is niggling...

"The girl isn't your responsibility"
Yes, that's true too.

"Is it just the sense that it is weird not being party to what the situation is?"
Yes, I think so, maybe. He's got a whole thing going on that is none of my business, which is a step away from when he was small and literally everything he did was my business. Maybe he's just growing up and taking a step away from me and that's good and healthy and normal.

If you are sure he knows all the safe sex thing's I would leave him to it, unless he is skipping school to be with her or it is causing actual issues

This would unsettle me a bit too, OP. I don't agree it's none of your business - he spends a lot of time with the girl, it's a change in circumstances, and he is still your teenage son, living with you (this might be a cultural difference showing here, as I am not in the UK). However, if you've had the safe sex talk - even if he is denying anything of the sort will ever go on between them - and they are getting along and respectful toward each other and you, there is not much more you can do. Boys, I think, tend to be more reluctant to disclose this sort of information.

As for relationship stages according to teens: my DD was "talking" to a boy for more than three months, all very intense, long hours. It was obvious to me that they were what I would call a couple, but she categorically denied it. Then they were "going out" for a month and a half, again, not together. Then he very officially asked her to be his girlfriend and they have been a couple since. So according to her, they've been together since March. According to me, since last October.

I do think there is behaviour you can discuss and probably should, and set out ground rules/standards.

I'd be less bothered what they called the relationship and more bothered what they were actually doing, you've still got a job to do to ensure his behaviour is age appropriate.

I suppose I'm negotiating (with myself) about what is and isn't my business.

His behaviour is fine. I don't really mind them chatting all evening, as long as he goes to bed at a reasonable time, which he mostly does. She seems nice, and they're enjoying spending all their time together. If anything, she's a bit more into her schoolwork than he is and might even be a good influence!

I think I want to do a reminder about sex and social media and what you should and shouldn't say / send on your phone - which would not be a "Son, sit down..." sort of conversation because I'm always banging on about it anyway. I just feel like he needs a fairly direct refresher with new guidelines for this new situation, but I know if I do bring it up he'll deny everything and say she's not his girlfriend, and point out that I don't give him the sex and social media talk when he goes to play badminton with Charlie and Jacob...

I think I want to do a reminder about sex and social media and what you should and shouldn't say / send on your phone - which would not be a "Son, sit down..." sort of conversation because I'm always banging on about it anyway. I just feel like he needs a fairly direct refresher with new guidelines for this new situation, but I know if I do bring it up he'll deny everything and say she's not his girlfriend, and point out that I don't give him the sex and social media talk when he goes to play badminton with Charlie and Jacob...

What I used to do a lot with my teens, is talk to them about situations that didn't involve them.
So either things in the news - for example this Spanish Official grabbing the Footballer's face and kissing her non-consensually - or

I would sometimes 'create' scenarios....... "My colleague was telling me that when her ds / dd was at a party, X happened. I was quite surprised. I'm not sure how common this is?" or "Someone was saying Y happened to their dd / ds. I'm not sure how I'd react if that happened to me" etc etc.

Generally best, talking in the car or when walking along side by side, rather than a more intense situation (like mealtimes) where you are looking directly at them.

If you ask them directly about them, or their friends, it can be received by them as being 'accusatory'. By making it hypothetical, it gives them chance to think about scenarios they are likely to be faced with, before it happens, and might help them.
I used it for all sorts of things, from when they were little (What would you do if you came out of school and couldn't see me / childminder?) to teen things (offered drugs at a party, or being pressured to join in either smoking, drinking, bullying, sexual activity, or anything they weren't comfortable with but were likely to be faced with at some point). Also for stuff they might encounter in life - feeling uncomfortable in a train carriage or night bus home...... coming across someone racially abusing someone else ...... being treated badly / unfairly at work.....etc etc.

Yes, that's a good strategy.

Time for a, "oh my gosh, did you read about that boy who... blah blah...?"

Yes ask him again. It is 100% your business. Don't ignore that feeling parents get when something is off, it is there for a reason.