Fed up of being teenagers "punching bag"

[babyblackbird]

Before I start I do mean punching bag metaphorically !

And I also know this is typical teenage behaviour but ........ Dd is 18 and I feel like all her charming lovely behaviour is only ever reserved for her friends and my friends. She has missed her first choice Uni after A level results day and so is understandably disappointed. But I literally am at the end of my tether with her. She barely told us her results before storming out the door to school. My husband tried to congratulate her only to have his head bitten off because she didn't get her first choice. I tried to ask if she was disappointed l, also to get my head bitten off.

She went to school and got some advice on remarking which doesn't look hopeful but has essentially not engaged with us at all about options etc and yet apparently hd lovely supportive conversations with her friends parents which she recounted to me.

My friends all think she's absolutely delightful and charming ( which I know she is ) and
I know they take it out on those closest to them but I feel that at almost 19 ( Nov) she should be more mature about regulating her moods and maybe have a little insight into the fact it's not our fault she missed her first choice.

I know I need to let her work through her disappointment and come out the other end but she has been so rude to me in particular since getting her results and I have tried so hard to be there and support her that I can't help but feel v hurt by her pushing us away.

Not sure why I am posting this but perhaps to just get it out ........

@babyblackbird - so far, so normal. I appreciate that doesn’t make it any easier for you though! As you’ve rightly noted, they act out in their safe place, which is with their parents, at home. The fact that all your friends think she is lovely and well mannered means you have done a great job. Big sigh, glass of wine (if you drink), tomorrow is another day. Sending you a hug x

I probably would have given her a bit of space to digest the results tbh, especially if they weren't what she was hoping for. Waiting for results is terrifying and at her age she doesn't have the perspective or the life experience to react equably to such a setback. Your DH trying to congratulate her was a bit insensitive. Let her absorb it and lean on her friends with no pressure, she can talk to you when she's ready.

@Zimunya thank you !!! She's taking a year out so god help me !!!! Am about to refill my wine on your advice 😜

@Greensleeves you're probably right it was insensitive of DH to try and congratulate her ( I admit he's not the most intuitive) but she got absolutely amazing results that he felt should be celebrated so I don't really blame him for that to be honest. But I suspect you are right and she just needs some space - the difficulty with the system is you have v little time to make big decisions - she has an alternative offer that expires tomorrow.

How are things with your DD OP? I hope she will have digested her results after a few days and had a chance to talk through options with you, her teachers and friends. Often they take out their anger, frustrations and disappointments on family rather than anyone else.

FWIW my eldest didn't get her first choice and didn't do as well as she had hoped. Yes, she was disappointed at the time. However, she has loved everything about the Uni she did go to and 4 years later graduated successfully and had a wonderful time there.

It is important to remember that setbacks are very often a moment in time and does not last forever - what counts is the ability to bounce back and try again or follow a new path. I think in times of setbacks, our DC need to know that they have choices and that you have their back - and that is part of life - that things don't always go as planned - but it does not mean that it is a disaster.

@NotaDryEye thank you so much for your post. Things have calmed down thankfully. She has started getting her head round her insurance place and has asked school to obtain sight of her papers to see if there is any possibility of a remark ( she knows it's a long shot).

And if I'm completely honest with myself I think she has bounced back quicker than I have. I am keeping my feelings to myself but I do feel so disappointed for her as she couldn't possibly have worked any harder and had always achieved the grades she needed so it does seem really unfair. Quite a few of her friends dropped several grades but still got in to their first choice and yet she only dropped one but didn't.

Whilst I wish it hadn't happened we all have to deal with disappointment in life and she hasn't really ever had to until now, so I know it's a really valuable life lesson for her. I know it will probably be the making of her and once she goes off she hopefully won't look back.