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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I a Snapchat stalker or an attentive parent?

24 replies

hobbcat · 18/08/2023 16:52

I teach at my DD school. She's 15. I don't have any contact with her during the working day.

She has a massive network of friends at school and friends who attend other schools. She's independent, sensible and doesn't share her private life with us unless absolutely necessary. She uses Snapchat. A lot. She is also starting to go to parties with kids from other schools. I might know one of the friends but not the others.

She is growing up but my knowledge of safeguarding etc makes me wary. I don't want to leave everything to trust just because I'm hoping for the best for her.

I sent her a request to allow me to see who she snaps. It's via the "Family Center" setting. She accepted. Obviously, I can't see what she shares but I can see who she contacts via Snapchat. I'm curious to see who her friends are and like to use the information to give me some general insight into her life. I know I sound very controlling and nosey but it's a way of connecting with my DD without asking her a ton of questions which she's not keen on.

My husband thinks it's intrusive but she knows that I can see who she snaps. I don't discuss what I know with her but clearly I am beginning to have a fair idea of who's important to her.

Today she ended my access to her list of friends whom she snaps. We were having a heated discussion totally unrelated to social media and she has decided to assert her independence.

My husband thinks I should leave it at that. What d'you reckon?

OP posts:

Hbh17 · 18/08/2023 16:55

I agree with your husband. If you trust her (which you apparently do), you have to let her conduct her social life without parental interference.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 18/08/2023 16:56

I agree with your husband.

I never looked at or followed any of my children on social media. Still don't even though they're now adults. We just have a family chat group on WA for general family chit chat.

DontBeAnArse · 18/08/2023 16:59

Can you imagine having that done to you back when you were a teenager?
She is entitled to some privacy. I’m with DH.

Autieangel · 18/08/2023 17:13

I disagree I think under18 they absolutely need guidance and support. I did use to check dd's phone (with permission) and was on her Snapchat/Instagram etc . It's not to be nosy it's making sure she's okay

Jenjen21 · 18/08/2023 17:18

I follow my kids on Snapchat, and a few of their friends too(who requested to follow me!) I know they do private stories that I don't see but I do ask them to have their location on show to me which they do in fairness, they're 13 and 15

Jenjen21 · 18/08/2023 17:20

Also, just to add, every now and then I take their phones and have a quick look to make sure nothing silly going on. They don't like it but it was an agreement of them having phones in first place. I do it less now tbh.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/08/2023 17:25

I understand why you might want to know more about her friends and her life. I found it difficult trying to look out for my kids but knowing very little about their lives at that age.
But your dd is 15. If she was 11 and just got Snapchat then you'd need to monitor but she should be allowed privacy at 15. How would you feel if someone listened to all of your conversations and asked questions about it? Sometimes people say things to fit in, exaggerate or talk about whatever pops in their heads and shouldn't have to justify things. Did your parents listen to your phone calls? Did they walk to school with you and listen to your chats? Reading her messages is the equivalent of that.
What prompted her to change your access to her friend's list. Did you make the mistake of asking questions each time she added a contact rather than quietly watch and see how often they interact?

UsingChangeofName · 18/08/2023 17:27

I'm with your husband too.

As a parent, your job is to educate about how to behave on the internet, not to follow her round. It is (or should have been long before now) your job to talk about the dangers, and to talk about how to be cautious and sceptical. About how to stay safe.
I mean, that applies to life generally, not just internet safety.

RedHelenB · 18/08/2023 17:29

I agree with your dh. And if you're teaching these children you need to be careful what you're following. I've never stalked my kids, independence is a great tool to have. I've also found they've come to me with their concerns as teenagers. They know right from wrong.

waterrat · 18/08/2023 22:23

Im surprised people are so relaxed. The advice from safeguarding experts is very much to know as much as possibie about your children's online behaviour ...she is still a child. You are not even seeing the messags you are keeping an eye

Let's be honest..we have a massive crisis if online harm and grooming and one reason is teens are living in a total wild west on the internet

LadyCassandra · 18/08/2023 22:46

waterrat · 18/08/2023 22:23

Let's be honest..we have a massive crisis if online harm and grooming and one reason is teens are living in a total wild west on the internet

Me too. As someone who recently discovered some very questionable behaviour by my 14yo and is super cautious around screen time, I would say you can never be to careful.
Those saying that you would have hated it as a teenager, we are living in a completely different world now, it’s not comparing like for like.
I don’t know the answer OP, I thought we were doing the right thing but its actually impossible to keep any kind of complete safeguard

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 18/08/2023 23:21

I didn't let my dd have Snapchat until she was 16...

That said given your dds already got it it does seem a bit weird to be stalking her on there.

incognito50me · 19/08/2023 12:59

My DD is also 15; she wouldn't have allowed me this level of access, so I am not surprised your DD stopped it. However, she still has screen time limits and downtime. The important limits, in her case, are for tiktok and instagram. I no longer check her phone, as so far there haven't been issues about content, just about the time she's spending on it (therefore screen time limits).

I do ask her about her friends, her life, her boyfriend. She shares important issues, though I wouldn't say she's very chatty about her life.

JaneJeffer · 19/08/2023 13:02

Totally out of order.

Original poster

hobbcat · 19/08/2023 16:54

Thanks for your comments. You might be interested in knowing the follow up..

So my daughter and I talked about me seeing who she was snapping - she knew when I checked because she got an alert via her account. She said it genuinely didn’t bother her because all I could see was a list of names. That totally threw me because I didn’t know she would know via a Snapchat alert (unless that’s a fib says my paranoid brain!)

What irritated her the most what when I used Snapchat myself to message her. She absolutely hated me using it - for her it’s a way to connect with her friends not communicate with her mother.

So. In conclusion we’ve decided for me to leave Snapchat well alone. In fact I’ve deleted the App from my phone. If I’m concerned by any changes in behaviour or she’s making poor choices she knows she’ll get more scrutiny.

I’m still wary and alert because teenage years now are nothing like my experience. I was a crafty one at her age, up to all sorts and my DD knows that. I guess open communication with trust and mutual respect is the way to go. Oh and DH is happy too 😉

OP posts:

incognito50me · 19/08/2023 17:46

Happy to read this update, @hobbcat. I think you have a good plan going forward.

BoohooWoohoo · 19/08/2023 17:57

You resolved things very reasonably and I'm glad that your dd was responsive to a normal chat about things.

Original poster

hobbcat · 19/08/2023 19:32

Thanks! What a minefield it is out there..

OP posts:

Foxesandsquirrels · 19/08/2023 19:37

I don't blame you at all, but I wouldn't snap her, that's a bit weird. People have varying perceptions of what is ok and what isn't when it comes to safeguarding. Never in a million years did I think I would be as strict as I am on DDs social media, but alas, sometimes needs must.

Foxesandsquirrels · 19/08/2023 19:38

The only other thing I'll add is seeing who she snaps is a bit of a useless feature tbh as you can decide how you save the person.

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2023 22:05

I agree with your husband. I'm super close with my DD and I know way more than most parents ever know about her real life. Her friends comment on it. Never spied on her at all - it's trust that builds trust.

If you monitor her you will only ever get a tiny and inaccurate picture of her real life. And she will hate you.

Foxesandsquirrels · 19/08/2023 22:59

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2023 22:05

If you monitor her you will only ever get a tiny and inaccurate picture of her real life. And she will hate you.

I'm really glad that's the case for you, but not all kids are like this unfortunately. It's also why advice on things like this isn't always best as kids are all so different. I've got friends who have a DD like yours, but her sister is a whole different child.

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2023 23:54

Foxesandsquirrels · 19/08/2023 22:59

Show quote history

I know what you're saying. The same has not been true of my DS who's been treated exactly the same as my DD. He is not open and he has a lot of mental health issues. I know that have both used drugs, alcohol and had sex. But we have as a (single parent ) family a notion of trust and it is on principles of respect which is how I'd like to be treated. And in the end they both have a sense of self regulation that has kept them within reasonable behaviour for young people (realistically - which I'm not sure super strict parents understand). But it could go the other way - as it easily can for strict parents who discourage openness and honesty.

LadyofLansallos · 20/08/2023 07:39

Foxesandsquirrels · 19/08/2023 19:38

The only other thing I'll add is seeing who she snaps is a bit of a useless feature tbh as you can decide how you save the person.

The list in family centre seems to come up with the name the person has given themselves, if that makes sense. So when my DD named her boyfriend ‘my love forever’ he still came up in the family centre list as Joe Bloggs.

Anyway OP you seem to have resolved it. I’ve also used the family centre to see who my DC tends to snap the most - I’ve thought of it like being my parents answering the landline - they certainly knew who I spent most of my time on the phone with back in my teen years! My DC is also 15 & I’ve also recently deleted the app. I think she’s too old for me to be agitating about who she is contacting. I was actually finding it stressful, in part because we did have some safeguarding concerns, but seeing a list of names on a screen doesn’t really give you much information anyway…

however when my DC2 gets Snapchat (putting it off for now!!) I will install it again to just monitor there for a while.

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