13yo and drugs - I really need some advice

[Mumofteens4892]

I need some advice about supporting my son.

I am 100% sure he's mixed up in drugs in our local town.

For a few months now he has been meeting up with friends...etc nearly every day, which is fine by me. He's always had lots of friends and is very confident and outgoing. He's always home on time, has his location switched on, picks up when I phone..etc - he's super reliable and is never out past 8pm.

Over the summer holidays however, I have noticed his friendship group shifting. He's spending less time with kids who I know are fine, and more time with older ones who I do not know so well. There are rumours among kids and other parents about what he's up to. His older brother is 100% sure he's been taking all sorts of drugs (but his brother is also prone to exaggeration).

He seems depressed, is not looking after himself, and ALL he wants to do is go out. If I give him money to buy food, he comes home hungry. I'm pretty sure he'd been taking something when he arrived home 2 days ago, but he says he wasn't. There's no other signs (no unexplained cash, phones, he doesn't go missing...etc..etc.).

I'm worried sick and want to know how to support him. I am not the kind of parent to shout, ban him from going out, take his phone...etc. We have a really good, calm relationship and I want it to stay that way. We text frequently and he trusts me. I'm scared that if I go mental, then all of that will be ruined and he'll go out anyway, and I won't know where he is.

Do I contact the local police? Social services?

How can I help him to be safe, and decide for himself that he needs to stop, without ruining our good relationship?

He went through a traumatic and sudden bereavement earlier in the year, and is about to start a new school in September - both of these things may be on his mind.

I'm really keen to hear from parents who have been through something similar.

Thanks xxx

Do you think he'll stop going out when it's cold, wet and dark earlier ? A long shot but hopefully the weather will put him off. I would be encouraging friendships when he starts his new school too. He may picks boys who do drugs but it may be easier to keep an eye on things if they accept invites to sleepovers etc

I think that you should know that phone location can be faked. There are apps that do this as well as glitches like putting your phone on airplane mode so it looks like you are still in the place that you were when you put the phone in airplane mode.

Have you looked at his social media ? Are you aware of all of his accounts and not just the ones that he allows you to follow? Can you keep him busy for the rest of the summer holidays so he's away from the older boys for a while ? Eg grandparents who live hours away This might provide some respite until school starts again.

Stop giving him money. Tell him there is plenty of food at home, and to bring his friends to hang out at yours. Put it down to the CoL crisis.

what happens when you take him away on holiday? Two weeks with family, in a different place should give you your answer.

Have you been away at all these holidays?

If possible I'd be looking at going away for a week and watching him very closely then. You'll see how he is behaving, if people are messaging or phoning him, if he has any withdrawal type symptoms.

I'd also be inclined to contact the Police for advice. I'm sure they see a lot of this sadly and may be able to give some suggestions of what you can do. Age 13 seems so young to be involved in things like this but unfortunately it isn't. I know of kids who were like this at 13 and now only a couple of years later are so heavily down the path of drug dealing, I fear for their futures.

I agree getting him away for a week or 2 so you are isolating him from new friends. Once he starts secondary he may go back to hanging around his old friends. Stop giving him money then he can't buy drugs. If you carry on giving him money when you suspect the money may go on drugs you would be enabling him to continue. I'd be checking his phone once he's in bed asleep.

He went through a traumatic and sudden bereavement earlier in the year, and is about to start a new school in September - both of these things may be on his mind.

I am sure this is playing into it.

I don't know what your circumstances are or your finances but are you able to spend extra time with him.

Is there anything at all he is really into? Sport? Adrenaline sports? What does he want to do when he grows up? Is there anything he can get involved in now that will help take him where he wants to go? Can you encourage and indulge his interests in something worthwhile and healthy? Help him find his passion!

I think you need to make real life as attractive as possible and hopefully he'll lose interest in doing drugs.

Don't be afraid to bring up the bereavement though and ask him how he is processing it. Counselling if necessary.

My brother drifted into drugs and alcohol unfortunately and is still in a mess 40 years on. Mind you, we didn't have a good relationship with our parents. It is good that you have a good relationship with your son. Though nowadays, the world is very different what with the internet and mobiles etc and I know it can't be easy bringing up a kid in all this.

Not really, not unless he’s into something very hard and addictive like heroine. He’s not going to be crawling the walls because he wants a joint or a bit of mdma.

I’d be very surprised if her DS was actually addicted to anything. He’s probably doing it because everyone is and it’s fun.

I wouldn’t go mental OP. I’d probably ask him about it outright and give him a chance to confess, but be aware he probably won’t, though he’ll know you’re on to him. I’d be giving him a talk about the dangers and where things can lead if he lets them. Also stop giving him money to go out with. If he was 15/16 I’d probably be less concerned about a bit of recreational drug use, but 13 is very young to start.

Also to add. I and most of my peers dabbled in lots of recreational drugs as teens. We’ve all grown up to be decent adults with professional jobs.

its not ideal, but not uncommon. Though as I said previously 13 is young to start.

Have you looked through his phone? At 13 you should still have complete access to it - get it and go through it and see who he is chatting to etc.

Please try not to panic - I was a fairly (very) out of control teen and I'm a very normal adult now! All kids go through phases - he may just need reigning in.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. I’ve found them very helpful. On one level I am glad he has so many friends and so much confidence, and that he’s not been indoors all summer - he has also supported various friends through some hard times and I am proud of him for that. He’s a lovely lad.

Re. going away - I took him away for a week at Easter, which was a big adventure and we had a great time. I don’t have much money at the moment, so much of my summer has been spent working…this probably hasn’t helped. Looking ahead to a holiday perhaps at October half-term having read these comments. And I will suggest some day trips in the next week or two.

I am constantly thinking - “am I a bad parent for letting this happen?” - or “am I a good parent because I am aware of what is happening?”. There are SO many kids doing this stuff, it’s literally everywhere, and I wonder whether many parents have any idea?

I need to find a way to stop the worry from draining all my energy, so I can take some positive steps to help him. I did just contact a local youth worker who knows DS, and he said he can step in if we want him to, but this would start a “process” at the local Council which could end up in safeguarding…etc so that needs some thought.

I am constantly thinking - “am I a bad parent for letting this happen?” - or “am I a good parent because I am aware of what is happening?”.

of course You are not a bad parent please get that idea out of your head straight away!!!

You are watching over your child as all good parents do and you see something that may be developing that you want to nip in the bud. This is GOOD parenting and It is certainly not easy to navigate this type of thing.

The fact you have a good relationship with your son will make a lot of difference. I am sure.

This sort of thing is everywhere and with the phones and the Internet it is harder than ever to keep an eye on the influences. Your child is having.

I take my hat off to anyone parenting in this day and age, I really do!!!!

https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/courses/courses-for-parents/parenting-courses-time-out/how-to-drug-proof-your-kids-dpyk-children-steering-children-away-from-the-harmful-use-of-drugs-pare/

Can I really ‘drug proof’ my kids?*If you mean, “Can I stop my child from trying tobacco, alcohol or illegal drugs?” the answer is no.*But if you mean, “Is there any way I can influence the choices my child makes about these things?” the answer is yes.from the site above - it’s a UK site and well worth a look!

I have taken recreational drugs since I was a teen, and happy to share my thoughts.

If he is coming home hungry, I doubt it is any of the common "hard" drugs. They all quash appetite. Weight loss is a major sign of most hard drug habits.

Marijuana gives you munchies, so if he is coming home and eating lots this could be why?

What makes you think he was "on something" when he came home the other day? What were the signs?

I wouldn't call the police. This will just cause trouble in my opinion, and potentially cause a rift between you.

My parents sat me down at age 16 at the dining table and told me they knew I was taking drugs and asked me to talk to them about it.

If he has gone through a bureavement he is likely depressed and seeking escapism.

If it is just a bit of weed with teenage boys in the park at night, I wouldn't worry too much. But agree with other posters, he is young.

Is there a known drug culture in the place where you live?

Have you tried Talk to Frank? This might be my first port of call for info and advice...