Do I Send DD 13 YO To Her Father

[AshC81]

Hi

Looking for advice with my 13 year old daughter. I’ve been on my own many years now. Since the split with her dad I’ve worn the brunt of parenting. He moved away and then even further away so for the past 5 years she only sees him twice a year on school holidays due to the distance. He’s been busily enjoying his life, having freedom, money, a string of relationships.
He is currently living with his gf who has two adult daughters of her own.
My daughter struggles with anxiety and low confidence. She hates school. Her attendance is bad. The school are aware of the issues and being supportive. She speaks to a counsellor over the phone once a month and is waiting in public system to be assessed by a paediatrician. She refuses school counselling. She won’t do any sport or extra curricular activity not because she’s lazy necessarily but her phobias being around other kids. She gets very moody and emotional and will cry and have meltdowns over school. She wants to be home schooled but I cannot do that as I work and cannot teach her. It won’t help her social skills neither. She just wants to hide at home and bury herself in her room and hide behind a screen.
I try so hard to get her involved in things and encourage her and she refuses. When I limit screen time she becomes extra defiant and upset. She yells at me and blames me for everything. I’m trying to be as understanding and supportive as I can. It’s not easy being a teenager today and whatever she’s feeling is real.
She does not want to live with her father and is attached to me despite all her nastiness to me. If i sent her to her father he has a partner (who is decent) and my daughter knows she cannot take advantage of her dad as he’s so much stricter and firmer. She would be made to go to school no matter what and get out socially and have more structure and routine. The only thing is her dad doesn’t believe in all this anxiety and mental health stuff and says it’s nonsense, just harden up. So he would not get her counselling or assessment. Her psychological issues would be buried. Plus, no doubt she would feel abandoned and not wanted by me even though I’d be making the decision hoping it’s in her best interests.
I want readers to know that I love my daughter more than anything. I am always here for her. I work hard to pay the bills but I’m always home with her. I’m there when she needs me. I don’t have a partner. I just want things to improve because this daily fighting and stubbornness and her shouting at me and rebelling is wearing me down fast.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much with her. It must be really hard. Hugs to you OP.

Does her father want to have her live with him?

I would really warn against going the homeschooling route with a defiant young person- She may just refuse to engage completely. I have quite a few friends who have taken their children out of mainstream education but are then stuck in the position of not being able to educate them at all...

Her father has never been overly interested and limited involvement. Basically a holiday dad and never been part of her schooling as she was 3 when we split. Not even bothered with her medical issues and done what he can to not help financially. When he left me he moved 2 hours away to be with the woman he left me for and her 2 young kids. He’s always shown more interest in his various girlfriends children than our daughter. He would probably have her but only to get out of child support. He would definitely be firmer with her but not help her through the hormonal/emotional/mental issues. He grew up from age 6 in boarding school and is used to military style parenting.

I really wouldn't even consider this for a moment!
Your DD sadly is far from unusual. I think sending her to her Dad would make her even more unhappy. Although some support from him would not go amiss.
There's a Facebook group - I think it's called something like 'not ok in school ' that might be useful for you.
She won't always be like this - with the right guidance many anxious younger teens do come out the other side. Don't give up on her yet.

I don’t want to give up. I just want to act in her best interests for her well-being and development and to have a good education and chance of a decent future. When she’s yelling at me that she feels to ‘sick’ to go to school or something in that days agenda makes her fearful, I try get her to push through because giving in always won’t solve anything long term. She tells me she hates me and I’m uncaring and a bad mother and I’m making her life worse. I’m the cause of her problems she tells me yet she doesn’t want to stay with her dad. I feel like taking internet away but she says this will make her way more anxious and depressed!

I’m not going to homeschool.

I think you sound like a very caring mother, I completely get why you are contemplating sending her to her dad, I don’t think it’s in her best interests though.

from what you’ve said I agree with continuing counselling but I would also take a leaf out of your exs book. Unless there are major issues at school that you haven’t mentioned then she goes. At 13 I think limiting/ temporarily banning the internet is absolutely fine. If she stays off school she has the most boring day ever. No tv and no internet. Internet privileges are earned after sue goes to school and only for a set time after school and at the weekend. She can’t have it all ways. Her mental health is suffering with internet so it can’t get much worse without it.

can you send her to dad for a few weeks before school so you catch a break and she gets in a stricter routine with him for a bit?

I have asked him. My daughter does not want to go. My ex says I can send her but I must give him money for her food and upkeep!! He really is that difficult. It’s not that he’s struggling financially, he just likes to be in charge and make things harder. He also refuses to pay for the travel as he’s now 8 hours drive away.

my daughter knows she cannot take advantage of her dad as he’s so much stricter and firmer.
You need to work on this then.

I acknowledge this. My question in this thread though is if she would be better off living with her father

"I feel like taking internet away but she says this will make her way more anxious and depressed!"

Maybe short term but like any addiction or avoidance mechanism it'll be better long term.

You are the adult in the room, that means you can see the bigger picture. You've been 25, did you look back and wish you'd spent more time dicking about on a screen or do you wish you'd done more fun things, learnt sports or languages when it was easy, read certain books....

Sorry for diverting. I think she should spend some time with him (the rest of the holidays) to break the bad habits and appreciate you more, but longer term be with you.

Hi Op, I have had similar issues with my daughter.

Couple of things I would say:

Firstly if your daughter is anxious about doing certain things (eg going to school) then it is very unlikely punishing her will mean she is more likely to do them,

If you think about an adult who has a fear or flying, then what is generally recommended is gradually getting used to it - so going to an airport first, then sitting in an aeroplane etc. there's whole courses run for people to help them get over it in a supportive environment where they are in control of how far they go in confronting the fear.

Taking away internet/phone et might make an anxious adult get on a plane if they are scared of flying (in the same way that sometimes people will do stuff they are scared of if the stakes are high enough) but it won't fix the anxiety long term.

She is anxious and stressed, as are many many teenagers post-covid.

Your highest priority for her seems to be that she keeps up her education. That's a good priority. She also seems to have that as a priority - school is making her anxious but she still wants to be educated as she's suggested home education,

That's a really good sign and some common ground there.

What I'd suggest you do is talk to her.

Say that you want to help her. Say that you can see that she is finding things difficult. Say that for you, you want to help her through this period and do whatever you can to help. Say that you cannot home school, but that you will support her in whatever else you can do so that she gets an education.
And then ask her what support you can give her.

She may have ideas, in which case listen to them.
She may not, in which case just repeat that you want to help as much as possible.

If you send her to her dad's the most likely outcome, if he tries to make her do stuff she is anxious about without offering support is that she will become increasingly anxious and it may spill over into either self harm or upset with her dad. That is unlikely to end well.

I thought exactly the same thing when my son was her age, he really wanted to go and live with his dad as he ‘hated me’ his dad was happy to have him, surprisingly as he’d never had anything to do with him before that! I let him go, it was the worst thing I done. After about 6 weeks his dad didn’t want him anymore and he was happy to come home. He was still really difficult and school was the problem. Luckily for me lockdown came along. After that he was a changed person and made me realise that school was the problem for him! We got along great when we didn’t have the constant arguments about school everyday. When school opened I didn’t send him back and he just went back to do his exams. He left school after his GCSEs and has a really good job now and is a good lad. I do think that school isn’t for everyone. That’s just my opinion though.

I agree with you. I’ve looked into distance education to home school. Some have great programs. My issues are that long term it won’t help her integrate and overcome her social anxiety which is main reason she dislikes school - being around other students. Also she is not self motivated and with me having to work 8 hour days I’m worried she will fall behind academically.

Thank you for the time you’ve taken here to make useful suggestions based on your own parenting experience.

So in terms of schooling I'd suggest that you and your daughter both look into the options.

I'm not sure where you are on the world, but most education systems are facing massive increases in the numbers of children/teenagers not attending school due to anxiety and so are aware of this.

A common solution in the U.K. is for a part time timetable - so the student attends only a few lessons a week (normally one with a teacher who is not going to make them anxious) and spends the rest of the time at home or in a pastoral space.

These spaces are usually set up with individual computers/desks etc and students work individually. There's a adult supervising but it's not a classroom. Schools have different names for them - inclusion unit, pastoral support, it varies.
Often kids with autism or who have SEN will be there for breaks if they need them.

If things go ok then she can slowly increase the lessons she goes to.

If that solution doesn't work or you prefer online there are now many many online schools, as there are so many students that struggle with in person.

My DD attended inter high but there are plenty of others.

You are correct that long term this won't help the social anxiety however it might be that in the short term this is what you need so that she can feel safe and start to begin to open back up.

Oh - and my DD got through the anxiety and is now at uni. Where this summer she organised and attended a summer ball for over 100 students.

So pleased your daughter got through it and has accomplished a lot! Thank you for the feedback. I have thought about asking school if she can do some lessons there and some at home so she has some stress/anxiety reduction but keeps a level of social skills and being with peers as she does have some girls she enjoys seeing. It’s also good to participate in science experiments and cooking classes plus the sports once a week. The workload at school does upset her more than most girls in her year. I’ve offered extra lessons if she’s struggling but she says no. She finds it hard to get all the homework and assignments completed on time for multiple subjects. I do offer to help where she’s stuck. So she has the anxiety from this but it’s mainly the anxiety from being around other students, trying to fit in and find her groove that’s upsetting her