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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Supporting 16 year old DD through an abortion - hand hold please

11 replies

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 14:58

Hi everyone, my 16 year old daughter is going through a medical abortion right now. I am trying to support her, changing her pads and cleaning up the toilet but this is so hard.
I am so grateful she was able to talk to about her fears that she was pregnant, when she took the test and her feelings. We went to a NUPAS clinic yesterday for her scan and to collect the tablets and there were some young girls there alone which broke my heart.
She doesn't think of it as a baby, just cells and she says she still feels like she has made the best decision, but it's harder than she thought it would be. I come from a family that loves babies and although I would never have wanted her to be in this position, would have supported her if she had continued with the pregnancy.
I am doing my best and know this isn't about me, but can't help feel sad that what would be my first Grandchild is being flushed down the toilet. Also finding it traumatic seeing what is coming away. Obviously not letting on any of this to her.
Also, she had told her younger brothers she was pregnant (despite me asking her not to) during the week she was adamant she wanted to keep it. They were excited and are now really upset as we have had to tell them she is losing the baby.
Please be kind. Has anyone been in this position and what things helped your dd? It's not something I can talk to friends about in real life as my daughter doesn't want people to know and I've also not known anyone close to me go through this but just want her to come through this as best she can, although I know it will be vert difficult for her. She has a prescription for the contraceptive patch to use as well as condoms.
Thanks

OP posts:

EveryOtherNameTaken · 15/08/2023 15:20

30 years ago I had a medical abortion at 18.

I was so scared. I had to hint until my mum guessed. My father was superstrict and my b/f's parents were devout Catholics.

I had to go private as it was quite a late pregnancy in those days (12 weeks). I went to a private 'hotel'. There were people from 13-48 years old all crying and being relieved at the same time.

It's not a thing that anybody wants and I think about it to this day.

After the surgery my father picked me up on his own. He just said 'Are you feeling OK?' I wasn't, but said yes. He took me home and bought me a takeaway and left it outside my bedroom door after knocking and letting me know.

We never ever spoke about it again but his silent support was invaluable.

No judgment is the way and its not about your grandchild, it's about your daughter, her future and her happiness to have children when it's right. I know it's hard, but just be there for her as you are x

Jellybean85 · 15/08/2023 15:21

Not a daughter but a sister, I've always been fiercely prochoice but when it came down to it holding her hand in the clinic, seeing the baby on the scan and then helping her with the aftermath I was devastated. I never let on and kept it to myself but it haunted me for a long long time so I really sympathise

Shockhorror22 · 15/08/2023 15:32

My daughter, last year, age 23. It’s so very hard and tbh I have to force myself not to think about that lost baby. At the time, like you, I just concentrated on supporting her and never gave her any idea that I wasn’t 100% behind her decision, because of course it had to be her decision. Also, hiding how cross I was that she had been so careless! She seems fine now, but I’m sure it’s something she still lives with. Truth is, there’s no good answer to an unwanted pregnancy. We all just want to do the best for our children, and you sound like a very kind mum. When she’s through this, give yourself time to recover.

Original poster

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 15:50

Thank you for the replies.

OP posts:

SirenSays · 15/08/2023 15:56

I'm sorry that sounds very hard for you and your family 💐 I hope as things return to "normal" you can all start to heal. Take it one day at a time, you're doing a great job.

RockSocks · 15/08/2023 16:09

I had a medical abortion as a teen
My mum was a bit useless, my dad took me to the appointment and to get a burger afterwards but he's very emotionally cut off so that was huge for him to do

The ex though at the time boyfriend and his family had wanted me to keep it so they weren't great, his mum got me a box of chocs and a film... Born free... I broke up with him a few weeks later

Make a bit of a fuss of her
Get a film to watch together at home just you two, a nice box of chocs or some fancy ice-cream while you watch

Don't let her know how you feel, especially about being careless
Accidents can happen at any age everyone can make mistakes

Let her know you are there if she needs to talk, make some extra time for things with her it dosent need to be big pick something small up with the shopping a nice note book or a pot plant for her room just something to show your thinking of her

Original poster

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 16:24

@RockSocks thank you for the advice. I have reassured her accidents can happen to anyone, she and her boyfriend were being careful and she must have ovulated early and conceived as her period ended, so she knows we don't feel it is her/their fault in any way. Will make sure we spend some quality time together in the next weeks if she is for that.

OP posts:

bellsandwhistles333 · 15/08/2023 17:52

I had a secret termination at 19 with only 1 friend for support, still the best decision i made and I'm 37 now! However it's bloody hard so it's wonderful you have been so supportive:)

BlueMoe · 15/08/2023 22:15

I’m not in this position, but has your reaction surprised you?

We have talked about accidents/education and I know how I think I would/would want to react. But was this in your scenario planning at all?

Original poster

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 22:18

Thank you to every person that has left supportive comments and shared experiences. I think and hope my DD is through the worst (physically) now. She's been so brave.
I am as prepared as I can be for her to experience a rollercoaster of emotions in the next few days/ weeks/ months at what is already a difficult time waiting for GCSE results and having to adjust to whatever comes next (hopefully sixth form).
We do clash at times but I am grateful to her for being so open with me and will do my best to encourage her to talk to me or whoever she feels comfortable talking to.
Thanks again.

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Original poster

MoodyMom · 15/08/2023 22:30

BlueMoe · 15/08/2023 22:15

I’m not in this position, but has your reaction surprised you?

We have talked about accidents/education and I know how I think I would/would want to react. But was this in your scenario planning at all?

Good question. I have read a quote about being the parent you needed when you were younger and that has stuck with me. I have never experienced an unplanned or teenage pregnancy but my parents massively let me down in how they dealt with things I went through when I was younger, so I've just tried to be as supportive and reassuring as I can and encouraged her to make an informed decision.
I know she is sensible and this has been a genuine contraception failure which can happen to anyone. If I thought/ knew she had been taking risks, I think that would have affected my reaction.

OP posts:

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