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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no

21 replies

Pres11 · 11/08/2023 16:14

My 16 year olddd has told me what her plans are tonight and I said, that’s nice, how are you getting there and she said ‘you’. Where she is going is 25 mins away. AIBU? I just don’t want to, and she sees me as a personal taxi! I have today spent £70 on her to have her hair cut and some high lights at the front ready for college, yesterday I spent £30 on her so she could go out for the day with her friend. I drove her 40 mins to drop her off yesterday and then 40 mins home. Her friends mum was collecting. I then collected her from her friends when she text me at 9pm saying can you pick me up now!! I feel like I am just always on demand. I’m exhausted, and this is how it is every single day!! I also have a 12 year old ds, that also wants to go out later and his is only a quick journey and he has been stuck in all day as we have been at the hair dressers so I said yes to him. She’s made me feel guilty. Should I give in. I should add that I am lucky that I work in a school and am off in the school holidays. Which I am grateful for but I feel like my dd is taking advantage. I’ve said if she wants to go, she will have to ask her friends mum to take her, she’s come up with a lot of reasons why this won’t be able to happen! But her friend is getting there. Sorry to rant.

OP posts:

Burnamer · 11/08/2023 16:16

Have you decided to live somewhere with no public transport? I think that makes a difference.
I would either suggest a bus or if not an option say yes but have a conversation about asking politely with notice.

SeulementUneFois · 11/08/2023 16:18

You're absolutely right OP.
She's of an age now that she needs to understand that you're not her personal servant. She's taking advantage.

VeridicalVagabond · 11/08/2023 16:19

Christ no she's 16, she can get on a bus surely? I'm very rural and my 15 year old still manages to get out and about without me needing to ferry her everywhere every five minutes. Unless you live in the absolute arse end of nowhere with no public transport at all, no you're not being unreasonable.

At the very least she could have asked nicely and give you a bit of notice instead of just assuming you would, cheeky mare!

vincettenoir · 11/08/2023 16:21

I think it’s less important whether you do or don’t take her tonight. And more important that you explain that although you help out with lifts where you can, you expect notice and you are not on hand to provide lifts 24/7 as you have a life of your own.

I think the haircut and money you gave her yesterday are red herrings. The key thing is setting boundaries over lifts.

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 11/08/2023 16:22

“I’m happy to take you this evening, but moving forward, can you ask me in advance rather than just assume I’ll do it.”

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 11/08/2023 16:23

And yes, what’s public transport like?

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 11/08/2023 16:23

My 16 yo dd's bf lives 3 miles away. 2 lifts a week and the rest by bus... Yabu to assume it is your duty to facilitate her social life...

Forflipsake · 11/08/2023 16:29

I think you may be being a bit unreasonable. How is a 16 year old meant to get around? Public transport is not always an easy or available option, and is not always the safest either! As a parent of a teenager I think you have to consider it part of your job to be a taxi service. It's not like they can drive themselves. However, I think your teen should have the curtesy to ask rather than expect your help and definitely not take it for granted. Appreciation should be a natural response. So, that would be the issue as far as I'm concerned. If you've been off work and you're not planning on going anywhere yourself tonight then I don't see a problem. How much money you've spent on her is irrelevant.

MaryJanesonabreak · 11/08/2023 16:29

Have a conversation about the difference in giving someone a lift as in you are going somewhere yourself and agree to take someone else along, and driving someone somewhere as a favour to a place that you yourself are not going to.
When she needs a favour she needs to ask in advance with the understanding that the answer might be yes or no.
Don’t teach your daughter that women are service humans.

Crabacus · 11/08/2023 16:30

We do live in the arse end of nowhere with no public transport so my holidays are spent ferrying kids around.
in that context, I'd say exactly as a pp said, that you will take her tonight but in future you expect notice and to be asked politely.
If you live somewhere with public transport or its a walkable distance, that's completely different

Original poster

Pres11 · 11/08/2023 18:46

public transport isn’t available where I live. So I think I am being unreasonable. I would have to drive her to a bus stop. The walk is dangerous as its country lanes. Oh fgs, I’ll have to take her i think. I was taken aback by the assumption that I would.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pres11 · 11/08/2023 18:48

I am in the arse end of nowhere! This description has made me laugh. I think I need to take her

OP posts:

ImGoingThroughChanges · 11/08/2023 18:49

She sounds really rude. I’d be taking her nowhere until she learns to say please and thank you.

Dacadactyl · 11/08/2023 18:51

I would be pissed off with her and tell her that if she drops things like this on you in future without notice, it's going to be a no.

You do need to get a bit tougher on them at age 16 in my opinion, cos otherwise they take you for granted and grow up a bit useless. I know they're selfish at this age (my DD is also 16) but you do need to try to get her thinking of others but putting in firm rules.

Dacadactyl · 11/08/2023 18:51

HamishTheCamel · 11/08/2023 18:54

I think if you choose to live somewhere with poor public transport you do have to accept becoming a bit of a taxi service. At least she can learn to drive next year! My DS has passed his test and it's a game changer!

Iloveacurry · 11/08/2023 19:01

How’s her friend getting there? Can they share lifts at all?

redskytwonight · 11/08/2023 19:06

Pres11 · 11/08/2023 18:46

Yes, I agree. It's not her fault you've chosen to live somewhere that she can't actually go anywhere under her own steam. One side impact of this choice is I do think you have to go above and beyond to ferry your DC about.

However, I think it's reasonable to point out that she should ask first and ideally give you as much notice as possible, as you might not always be available.

I'd also suggest you give her an allowance and she get a job (although I guess this might also require you then to get her there and back) as this will help her to appreciate the value of money more.

RuthW · 11/08/2023 19:32

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 11/08/2023 16:22

“I’m happy to take you this evening, but moving forward, can you ask me in advance rather than just assume I’ll do it.”

This

natura · 11/08/2023 19:37

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 11/08/2023 16:22

“I’m happy to take you this evening, but moving forward, can you ask me in advance rather than just assume I’ll do it.”

Yep.

Set some expectations so you're both clear on what has to happen for everyone to get what they need.

Sounds like assumptions have been made on both sides here, and that's nobody's fault, just needs a conversation about how things will work going forward.

Rollergirl11 · 12/08/2023 08:56

If your DD is 16 having finished her GCSE’s and about to enter sixth form/college I would say it’s a perfect time for her to find a part time job and start earning her own money. When my DD, who is now 17, did this she became a lot more independent and started taking Ubers. I do still ferry her and 15yr old DS round a fair bit but now she doesn’t expect it and is happy to sort herself out if I say no.

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