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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is DH being ridiculous?

13 replies

Rollergirl11 · 10/08/2023 18:45

DD 17 split up with her boyfriend of 8 months a few months ago. First serious boyfriend and she was devastated about it. It affected her significantly for a good month. DH wasn’t really keen on the boyfriend when they first got together as he’s 2 years older and he didn’t like the idea of it. He came round eventually and thought it was a shame when they broke up.

Now DD and boyfriend have got back together. BF has been a bit of a dick in the 2 months they have been apart but generally speaking he’s a nice lad. I’m not ecstatic that they are back together as DD will be going in to Year 13 and sitting her a-levels and am mindful that if/when they split again and if it affects her anything like last time it could impact on her studies/exams. However I am realistic that there’s not really anything we can do; DD is old enough to see who she wants/make her own decisions/mistakes. DH is definitely not happy about it.

DD has asked to go to BF’s house tonight and stay over (she used to stay at his house when they were together last time but he didn’t at ours as DH not comfortable with it). I said that it was okay. She spoke to DH about it who said no. DD replied that I had said yes so she was more just informing him of her plans and that she’s going anyway. DH shouted at us both and now isn’t talking to DD or me. DD doesn’t care as she’s off out but I will have to put up with the silent treatment for the evening. Isn’t this incredibly childish of DH?

OP posts:
Radiodread · 10/08/2023 18:47

Yes it is. Silent treatment is not on, ever.

DanceMumTaxi · 10/08/2023 18:58

Yes, totally ridiculous. Especially as dd used to stay at her boyfriends previously without any complaints.

L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 19:03

You and DH are being ridiculous. You should have discussed the DD staying over question and come to an agreement and not let DD play you saying yes off on DH saying no. It undermines both of yours authority as parents, and not on the sense of being able to enforce things on a 17yr old because I know teenagers can only be governed by consent. It is more by you thinking the opposite from DH and not agreeing on basic things you both look stupid and like you have no idea how to even advise your DD in any situation.

Original poster
Rollergirl11 · 10/08/2023 19:11

@L3ThirtySeven DH has refused point blank to discuss anything about their reconciliation with me. If he doesn’t like or agree with something he simply will not engage in any discussion.

OP posts:
VinEtFromage · 10/08/2023 19:16

L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 19:03

You and DH are being ridiculous. You should have discussed the DD staying over question and come to an agreement and not let DD play you saying yes off on DH saying no. It undermines both of yours authority as parents, and not on the sense of being able to enforce things on a 17yr old because I know teenagers can only be governed by consent. It is more by you thinking the opposite from DH and not agreeing on basic things you both look stupid and like you have no idea how to even advise your DD in any situation.

@L3ThirtySeven I disagree.

DD used to stay at his, it's really not in for her Dad to change 'the rules' when he fancies,

@Rollergirl11 tell him if he's going to act like a child he can go to his 'room' (she'd/garage/garden) and that DD is 17 and it's up to her (especially as it was fine before) You/He can talk to her about her choices etc, but she has to make her own decisions & mistakes.

Ponderingwindow · 10/08/2023 19:23

The argument should stay between you and your husband. You should then present a united front to your teen. changing the sleepover rules should be open for discussion between the two of you.

you say he refuses to discuss, but are you willing to have a discussion or are you just insisting on a certain policy with regards to this relationship and relationships in general?

Original poster
Rollergirl11 · 10/08/2023 19:32

you say he refuses to discuss, but are you willing to have a discussion or are you just insisting on a certain policy with regards to this relationship and relationships in general?
I am absolutely willing to discuss. But DH seems to think that if he refuses to talk about it or doesn’t agree with it that he can prevent it from happening. As I said previously I’m not especially over the moon about it either but am pragmatic enough to realise that us not agreeing with DD’s decision makes very little difference.

OP posts:
L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 22:15

Rollergirl11 · 10/08/2023 19:11

@L3ThirtySeven DH has refused point blank to discuss anything about their reconciliation with me. If he doesn’t like or agree with something he simply will not engage in any discussion.

Then you have very serious communication issues in your marriage and I feel sorry for your DD.

Tiswa · 10/08/2023 22:18

L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 22:15

Then you have very serious communication issues in your marriage and I feel sorry for your DD.

Show quote history

this clearly isn’t the first time he has done this but as your DD is getting to be an adult it is going to happen more and more.

you seem to be underplaying the seriousness of this

L3ThirtySeven · 10/08/2023 22:37

VinEtFromage · 10/08/2023 19:16

@L3ThirtySeven I disagree.

DD used to stay at his, it's really not in for her Dad to change 'the rules' when he fancies,

@Rollergirl11 tell him if he's going to act like a child he can go to his 'room' (she'd/garage/garden) and that DD is 17 and it's up to her (especially as it was fine before) You/He can talk to her about her choices etc, but she has to make her own decisions & mistakes.

Show quote history

So, DD used to stay at BF before, presumably at barely legal 16 when he was 18 but that was before he dumped her, devastating her for a month and was a dick to her for a good two months. I rather think that these recent events have altered whether or not it’s a good idea to run right back to sleeping over with a man who has treated her DD appallingly. The whole, well she used to before is ignoring what this man has done to her and is capable of doing to her again (or worse).

Yeah, I don’t think you should be giving any advice on communication when you’re telling OP to send her DH to “his room” for “acting like a child” 🙄

OP, you and your DH need to get your shit together and start communicating so you can at least give your DD decent advice as a unified pair of parents. The fact you can’t stop her, is not an excuse to wash your hands- you still owe your DD cautionary advice and wisdom.

Hawkins009 · 10/08/2023 22:40

I can understand both perspectives, but one way or another x, will happen either way, so it's better that she knows her parents are there for her. As overall that's more important, as long as you tried to raise her the best as you could then what else can be achieved really.

Original poster
Rollergirl11 · 10/08/2023 23:17

@L3ThirtySeven You’ve presumed an awful lot there and I can’t be bothered to set you straight. One thing you are correct on though is that DH and I need to find a way to communicate through our difference of opinion. That is a dead cert.

OP posts:
Fififizz · 11/08/2023 14:45

I think there are two different thought processes at play here? Yours along the lines of she used to before and you’re still ok with it and you can’t really stop her all of which is understandable and DH is now maybe feeling cautious about things as DD was so upset and BF has been a bit of a plonker in the intervening months? Perhaps, and as a consequence, DD shouldn’t jump back to how it was before and should slow things down a bit? All you can do is give her the information it’s her choice. Comms in families/marriages and in general can be really difficult. I empathise.

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