Feel like I’m an epic failure

[Fatandmenopausal]

I have 2 teens. My 16 year old son is going off the rails and no matter how hard I try and I can’t stop him. He is rude, constantly lies, smokes weed and vapes. I’m not sure where I have gone so wrong. He was such an easy preteen and I worked so hard to make sure he was well mannered, polite, worked hard at school. I’m not sure how things have gone so badly wrong. He really doesn’t like me and swears at me and is very disrespectful. He used to be sweet and affectionate. I can’t see him as the same person, and he is constantly reducing me to tears. His dad is away a lot for work so I’m the one who has to deal with him the most. I also have a dd who is 13. His bad behaviour is rubbing off on her and it is breaking my heart. I always naively believed that if you gave your children lots of love, time and were good role model your children would be ok. I feel the last 16 years have been a pointless waste of my energy. I have put my kids first, and I was always a good kid and would never have dreamed of behaving the way my son does. He can watch me cry and it literally has no effect. He will never say sorry. I’ve stopped giving him money, I turn the Wi-Fi regularly as punishment but it just seems to make more unpleasant to live with.

Your post mentions crying, breaking your heart, tears etc….
I do sympathise but you’re too emotionally invested in his bad behaviour. As you probably intellectually realise it is the case that many teens behave inconsiderately for a few years - they’re rude, push boundaries etc - so effectively he’s doing what he’s programmed to do. He is actually not that same sweet kid any more.

you need to look at your reaction to his bad behaviour. State calmly how you expect him to behave and the boundaries you will put in place, praise absolutely every little thing that’s positive about his behaviour, and then step back and give him space.

absolutely ignore minor breaches of behaviour, and pick the battles you wish to fight.

Work on building both your loving relationship with him (and your other dc), and also, most importantly, activities for yourself that make you happier and lessen the impact of his temporary bad behaviour on you. Oh and you’re right I think, with love and hard work and good role models, they do get there in the end.

good luck - it’s hard but like all phases, it really doesn’t last forever.

Agree with all of this. My 14-year son has started to do things I really don't like and I understand the worry and anxiety it brings. It is torture! But my response to his behaviour is my problem. It's not fair to project all of thar on him. So I don't show him any of that. Instead I remember that he is not a child anymore but also not yet an adult and he needs me more than ever to provide love, empathy, guidance, support, and clear boundaries. It does work. It might not eliminate everything they are doing, but it keeps communication lines open, keeps our relationship positive and he does follow the measurable boundaries I set. It's really really hard though. Don't beat yourself up. There are so many factors as to why teens do the stuff they do, being a good parent doesn't always prevent it! Being a good enough parent might just get you both through.