Teen sexting/photos/videos

[JustWhatWeDontNeed]

Not sure where to post this and name change cos I think I can be worked out. Will try to be brief but give background...

DSS 15 has a girlfriend (almost certain she's also 15). They went to secondary together for a few years then she moved few hours away so they dont see each other face to face very often at all. We've never met her properly, but somewhat dysfunctional teen when she was around - self harm, getting into fights, threatens suicide, drinks, vapes, has questionable parents - mother is apparently a drinker and I think they have physical fights. From what I gather most of this is still the case. Father still lives near us. She and DSS didn't speak for ages then somehow got back in touch and now have this "long distance" thing...

DH does periodic sweeps of the teens phones as we've had issues in the past of really offensive (not sexual) things being shared on social media etc, and really unpleasant group chats. DSS does know this.

Anyhoo. Recent sweep. Aside from conversation that would make your eyes bleed to death (I'm no prude, but even i need Jesus after this), and making plans to shag in public toilets, she's sent photos. Naked photos and an extremely intimate video (it hasn't been watched but content obvious from the outside). Not sure what has been sent outgoing from ours, but I'm pretty sure stuff has been shared, almost certainly video called.

So... wtf to do? Obviously it's illegal. Do we do nothing? Make DSS delete content? The mobile phone contract is in DHs name - we don't want explicit content of a fucking minor on a phone number he owns! Might sordid images of an underage girl be backing up on our home PCs if he's saved stuff on google? Ffs...

I'm conscious of the vulnerability of this girl. I'm disgusted at the frankly sordid things the pair of them have been saying. Horrified by the thought of them shagging in the apparently "nice" toilet of a public local venue. Or in a park bush... Terrified she'll get pregnant. Or he'll be stuck with a high drama, suicide-threatening girlfriend if they break up. Between the filth, I think he's a bit smitten, but this smutty child is not the boy we know and love! Apparently she's "experienced" and loves cock. Yay

We've had so many conversations about not sending/receiving/asking for pictures; respect for females; respect for yourself. It's clearly gone in one ear and straight out the other. I'm honestly shocked at some of the content. I partook in some unwise texting back in the day, but there wasn't talk of sex toys and explicit wank footage when i was 15 ffs. I could cry.

Am I completely out of touch? This isn't normal, is it? Help

So sorry to hear OP.
Every parents' nightmare.
I would contact the safe guarding lead at school.
Not sure how it works during holidays but as this involves explicit content you need to make sure you report it.
For now, confiscate the phone.....no tech for a while...
It's so sad how much ever these
topics are drummed into them, they go mad in the spur of the moment.
This is MN..people will say they will have sex anywhere regardless etc..
But sexual content on phones does seem to be quite serious from what I read...

It really is a fucking nightmare. And we're supposed to go on holiday soon, so this will do wonders for the mood of the family. Ffs.

I keep flitting between "get over it" to wanting to cry. The language is SO explicit for a kid who hasn't had sex and hasn't really had those sort of relationships - he's had a few girlfriends in the past but it's always been superficial and they haven't really spent time together.

I also fear it was a group messaging effort. From what we can see the jump from fairly mainstream, if stupid, talk to absolute filth and at times fairly aggressively worded filth, coincides with DSS being away at a camp thing for one of his extra curriculars. Maybe all his mates have seen her naked and more, too. I'm honestly appalled and quite sad. He's a pain in the arse, and we always knew he was gonna cause us more trouble than the other kid, but he's not an obviously "laddy" kid in our presence, so this is like a whole new person.

I know loads of people would probably say he's 16 next year, oh well, yaddah yaddah. But I'm really not sure I can shrug off a 15 year old being in possession of illegal images and talking about slapping his cock around some girls face. I'm just... at a loss.

@JustWhatWeDontNeed You need to sit him down and explain that what he is sending AND receiving is not only illegal child pornography BUT that if the authorities find out, your DH will also be arrested and face prison time for distribution as he is the legal owner of the phone.

Then you make you DS delete everything and not speak one more word to that girl.

You explain that this is now serious and you can't protect him if she decides to report him or makes accusations. His life will be over as he knows it.

Scare him good and proper since he isn't listening to you. Just because he thinks his mates all do it doesn't mean they actually do and they are certainly not as stupid as your DS is showing himself to be by doing this stuff with an mentally unstable, troubled young girl who needs support not a dick pic!

Take the phone off him if he doesn't listen.

Cut internet access. You have to act now before she gets it into her head that if he dumps her she will tell on him.

Well the chat was had. Tbh I still don't think he fully grasps it. Claims he had no idea about illegality (not true - I've told him multiple times and they've had school talks about this too). Highlighted that this is a safeguarding issue as well as feeling like a parental failing. He's "sorry", doesn't have much else to offer.

Girl has been told that everything has been deleted this end and to delete anything her end.

Apparently he thought it was normal for 15 year olds to (apologies for what follows) send footage of themselves fingering themself or wanking to completion "everyone talks about it". I had to reiterate that I, an almost 40 year old woman, have never been sent a fucking cum shot by a love interest and i wouldn't consider that I've lived a particularly sheltered life! I'm almost entirely certain that DSS hasn't even properly snogged someone. He's gone from zero to home made porn. He had also suggested that they film their bathroom toilet shag, which is nice.

I feel like I've aged ten years. We had hoped we could sit back and wait for this "relationship" to fizzle out by itself, as I didn't want to push them together by pulling them apart, as it were, but bloody hell. I don't see how we can stop them communicating long term though. He can't be phoneless indefinitely and if they're determined there's always ways and means for contact.

I don't think we will pursue anything school-wise, purely because this kid has volatile parents. But I really can't decide what the right thing to do is. I only hesitate because it was "consensual", in as much as it can be at that age, rather than unsolicited.

I hate teenagers.

Oh goodness OP, this is just horrific. It would push me over the edge. I hate mobiles so much.

Can you restrict the access to the phones? We have had to ask our teenagers to give us their phones at 7pm, and we hand them back as they leave for school. We are trying to model the same thing re: useage. It's been a bit unpopular, but whilst they are still legally children, I have told them that I am responsible for their well-being.

But it is just SO HARD. I, like you, am just so shocked by the kids attitudes towards sex. I am all about body/sex positivity and don't believe girls should be tarred with being called a prude or a slut... BUT I hate these things are so easily accessible and shared instantly. And porn has just messed with children's expectations of what sexual intercourse actually is. It makes me so sad.

All you can do is keep repeating that it is child pornography. Sending or sharing is a criminal offence. Google the penalties for him and the list of careers unavailable if he's put on the Sex Offenders Register. Yes, it's very unlikely that he would be prosecuted as they are both 15 but this girl sounds very vulnerable. He probably can't see very far into the future but this could return to haunt him at any time. (Not trying to scare you but scaring him might be necessary.) It's awful that children know so much yet know so little

For the love of God TAKE HIS PHONE AWAY IMMEDIATELY. He’s clearly not responsible enough to have it. If you want him to have a phone so you can contact him etc, buy him a brick phone. Sitting him down and talking is a great first step, but he needs actual CONSEQUENCES for this.

I would wipe everything off the phone and take it away for a few weeks. Talk about why etc. I would cancel the contract out of DHs name. At his age I’m not sure if I would add parental control apps but I would give him a very limited service on the next phone, maybe just call and text. If he wants a phone to watch porn and film himself wanking he can pay for it himself.