I no longer know what to do with my daughter, 21 ....

[alysonpeaches]

I know she isnt exactly a teenager but she still behaves like one, so I couldnt figure out where else to put this.

I cant tell this story quickly, but I'll try. My daughter (2nd child of 2) gave us a lot of trouble in her teens. Although she has always been quite quiet and introverted, she was always in bother at school for not doing coursework/not turning up to detention etc. At almost 16 (during GCSEs) she became pregnant and went to live with her boyfriend.

To try and cut a long story short, she was found to be neglecting her son and there were other issues with the father, so my grandson came to live with me when he was 2. Daughter came too, got pregnant again. I am raising both her children now by court order, until they are grown up. They are 2 and 5. She walked out on the children when the youngest was only 4 months. She kept in contact most of the time. At Christmas she argued with her BF and moved back in for a few days. Then went back to him. We didnt hear anything for 4 weeks then she came back with belongings.

She is now living with us. She has never had a job or been to college, although I have given her lots of encouragement to do this. We never know how long she will be here for and its upsetting and unsettling for all of us. BUT I am desperate to get her away from the BF because he is really bad news (cant go into it).

I am torn between laying down the law eg you get a job or go to college if you want to live here ... but I need to know she is safe because I feel she really cant look after herself, so I darent drive her out. She isnt a girl who you can have a good chat with, she remains introverted, almost to the point of me suspecting she has autistic spectrum tendancies. She has two close male friends, claims to be platonic, but stays over with them sometimes. She has given up her female friend after a fall out. So she has really nowhere to go.

What would you do?

GFM: I keep asking my husband to have a word but he thinks its pointless. I dont think he knows how to go about the job, as he isnt much of a communicator either.

The more I think about Aspergers the more I think the cap fits though. She is a very gifted manga artist, but wont do anything career wise with this. She was going to do an art foundation course but I sense that she was almost relieved that she was pregnant so she didnt have to do it. I do wonder if there is any point in getting her diagnosed though.

But maybe it would help - at least you and the rest of the family would know there was a valid reason for her not working, etc (rather than laziness, say) and you could then move on from wondering if you should be "encouraging" her to get a job and focus more on other interests/activities.

Has she actually said she doesn't think she could cope with a job btw? I don't know anything about Aspergers (though used to know someone who very likely had it) but do you think if she did have a job and so was able to meet more people/develop friendships, etc she might come out of herself more and become more confident, etc? I can only speak for myself, but I think I would find it quite depressing leading her life, not really doing anything with my day, etc (would be different if she was hanging out with friends, eg). The person I used to know was actually quite sociable (or wanted to be) but his lack of social skills meant he wore out his welcome with all but the most patient people...Or do you think it would actually be unbearable for her to have that interaction?

If she did get diagnosed you might be able to find an organisation that could help her with life skills, finding a job, etc.

You are brave and kind to take your grandchildren in. I think you should be a bit harder on your daughter tbh she won't acquire any lifeskills unless she has to by the sound of things.

Good luck.

Thank you for saying I was brave to take my grandkids on, but I didnt give it a second thought, they were my family. Now it is just like they are my own children. My granddaughter came to live with me straight from the hospital and although it was difficult and exhausting, it was lovely to have a new baby around again. I wouldn't be without them, and Im really happy to be having a second go at raising a family.

My daughter's BF came round this evening banging on the door and demanding to talk with her. I wanted us all to ignore him, but she seems to always give in to him. Even though she didnt want to talk to him she went outside to him. So I think I need to let the dust settle before I do anything.

If anyone does know how an adult can get Aspergers diagnosed, let me know. TBH if I mentioned it to her, I know she would refuse to come to the doctors. I had actually thought of making an appointment with the doctor to talk to her myself about DD and see if there was anything she could suggest.

I think the benefit in getting a diagnosis would be that you would have a better understanding of her-and perhaps more importantly that she would come to realise herself why she is the way she is. It often comes as a great relief that there is a reason for your difficulties and that you are not alone in experiencing them.
Whether or not she eventually gets a job, she may also be entitled to DLA (Disability Living Allowance). A significant percentage of people with AS are unable to work, despite their often high IQ.
As I mentioned previously, I think you have to go through the GP and as she is an adult, the request would have to come from, or at least with the consent of, your DD. Perhaps if you suggest to her that she reads a bit about AS-there is lots of information on the internet-she might be prepared to take things further. Tony Attwood writes about it very positively on his site and also in his books on the subject.

Thanks again.

We have had a bit of a chat this morning and I have persuaded her to revive the jewelry making business in a small way, eg order some supplies, make up a few examples, perhaps put them on ebay etc. Another kind lady has told me about mumzmall where you can get an online store. I think to support her through all of this might be a positive way forward. Everyone on here has been so supportive.

If anyone else knows anything at all about starting your own internet business please let us know. Pass on your expertise.

Tiggi, thanks for your advice. Is it not incredibly hard for anyone to get DLA, especially when their problems are of a less tangible nature? Have you had experience of AS adults getting DLA? I know it was really hard for me to get lower rate care because of my back injury and fibromyalgia.

I think Ive blown it!

I happened to mention Aspergers. All I did was ask her what she would do if she was no longer able to sign on for jobseekers. She didnt know. I asked her if she would find it difficult to go out and get a job/join a course and she said yes. I reminded her I had a psych degree and described Aspergers in a positive way, reference Tony Atwood. I said I thought she had a lot in common with these behaviours, and pointed her towards an url where she could read about it. I pointed out that if we thought she had Aspergers she would need to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. But I said it was optional, and she could just leave it if she thought it wasnt for her.

She seemed OK but didnt read the stuff, went on playing her game on the computer. She went out to sign on, didnt come back last night, I phoned her, she is staying at her (ex) boyfriends. Today she wouldnt answer her phone, and hasnt come home yet.

I expect she has said something along the lines that mum thinks she's crazy and the bf has said, stick with me because I dont.

I had a feeling she would bolt if I confronted her behaviour in any way and I was right. But then again I couldnt just go on ignoring it could I? I think as a family we have perhaps been just a little too accommodating.

Ive still no idea what to do about her. She doesnt even attend the same doctors so I cant discuss her with my GP.

Just a big thanks to everyone especially Tiggiwinkle and Honoriaglossop. You gave me confidence to take my daughter to our GP and our GP very quickly agreed that AS was likely after meeting her.

You might have seen my other thread, we are on the road to getting a diagnosis now.

Thanks again everyone!