How to help teenage daughter following bereavement

[Apollobinds]

I (40f) am struggling to know what to do for the best re my 19 year old dd. 2 years ago my brother suddenly died. It was a massive shock and had a huge impact on my daughter as they were close (only 3 years between them). She has had two lots of counselling and been offered more but refused. About a year ago she was diagnosed as depressed and started antidepressants. There was a positive change in her within a few months and she was more engaged and seemed happier. She was at college and working part time and my husband and I encouraged her to keep going with these to maintain a routine.
Up until about 9 months ago we were extremely close but that has changed. She met her first proper boyfriend 6 months ago and since then she has left college without finishing her course, left her placement at a primary school that she really loved, has been phoning in sick to work and stopped taking her antidepressants. I keep trying to talk to her about everything but she’s not interested. She has a really bad attitude, speaking to me terribly. Just wants to laze in bed or is out driving around with her boyfriend until all hours. Her bedroom is disgusting. She leaves a mess in the house. She’s not looking after herself, not drinking enough water, not home for meal times so eating junk food often late at night, and not getting enough sleep. She has gained quite a lot of weight, looks pale and tired. Because she is run down she gets poorly and has had repeated bouts of tonsillitis over the last year - twice she has been kept in hospital overnight with this. Which then means she’s off work again - they are now hardly giving her any shifts as she is so unreliable. I think it’s only a matter of time before they sack her.
She’s then got no money. She has a car which she bought herself at 17 (was a good saver as a child - saved birthday and Christmas money since she was 8). She had a crash and her insurance increased a lot. My husband and I lent her the money and she was to pay us back a bit each month. Well she’s not been able to pay any for the past 3 months because she hasn’t earned enough. My husband (not dd biological dad but raised her since age 6) feels she is taking advantage of us and our home and has said he will not bail her out financially again. He also said if she’s not working then he wants her to move out.
I am more trying to think of her mental health. It is clear that she is struggling. I feel like she is on self destruct. But then I also feel like she takes advantage of us. And I don’t know what to do to help her.
On the extremely rare occasion she will talk to me she admits that she’s unhappy and feels drained. Her relationship with her boyfriend is unhealthy but she is defensive about it. I know it’s her choice - she’s an adult.
How can I help her?
Any advice gratefully received

Stop funding her. She needs to learn that work equals money.
You need to get tough, but let her know that you are there for her when it all falls apart, and it will.

@DustyLee123 It IS all falling apart NOW. This is when DD needs the support.
Parents cannot fix their child's mental health problems but they can continue to support, even when it's tough. I doubt very much OP's good nature is being abused. I suspect DD is having a really, really shit time.

I would suggest that OP carries on encouraging her daughter to help herself. See if, at least, you can persuade her to resume the anti-depressants, as they seemed to make a difference.
The car probably needs to go though. She can no longer afford it.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. sending a handhold.

Absolutely your DD needs support right now. But that doesn’t necessarily mean funding her lifestyle either. I personally would cut off the financial support or reduce it to the bare essentials.

Next I would try and scaffold behaviour that is good for her mental health. For example going out for walks together, offering to clean her room with her etc. I appreciate you’re not as close but you also aren’t going to force her into more counselling or to taking antidepressants but you can model and encourage healthy habits. And it’s baby steps with these things! One day you might convince her to get some fresh air, the next she might cook a healthy meal with you (nutrition will help so much with the tonsillitis, speaking from personal experience here!), the next she might open up to you about what’s going on more and so on and so on. And it won’t be linear, she may improve and then regress but what will help is consistency from you. Which I know must be so hard to offer as you’re grieving too I would imagine.

Im not saying this will 100% work but it’s how I would approach it. I am also speak from experience dealing with unexpected death in my family.

@OhBanana @DustyLee123 @HoneycombBauble Thank you for taking the time to reply. DD has a GP appointment on Friday for another bout of tonsillitis and I hope I’ve managed to persuade her to talk about her mental health while there and hopefully restart antidepressants.
DH and I are agreed on minimal financial support going forward which means DD will likely lose her car as mot and insurance renewal coming up, neither of which she has any money for. This makes me feel horrible but I know we can’t carry on the way we have been.