DS15 refusing to holiday with family

[FoxyLongtail]

Name changed for this although details may be outing - be warned it is LONG. Not posted in years but hoping I’m not the only one to have experienced this and want to know if there’s any chance of things getting better.

DS is 15, his dad and I split when he was 4 and I’ve been with my ‘new’ partner for 10yrs (living together for 8yrs). I have two SS (15 & 12) and DS6 with my partner. We’ve had lots of issues with my two SS over the years but finally seem to be in a good place. It hasn’t always been happy families but the three older boys were always a cohesive unit until the last two years or so.

Last June we booked an uncharacteristically extravagant, ‘once in a lifetime’ style holiday for our 2023 family holiday. We expected it to be our last family holiday so focused on something our four boys would all enjoy despite the 9yr age gap. DS15 said he didn’t want to come a few weeks AFTER it was booked but before he knew details. Last year I told him it was non-negotiable but was the final family holiday I expected him to come on (hoping his opinion would change). He simply went on to say he no longer wants to be part of the blended family.

DS has suffered with poor mental health for a while. It’s getting worse and he has been making accusations of bullying and abuse within our home, mainly against his step-dad. His dad (my exh) can be particularly unpleasant and has been amplifying these allegations and accusing me of inaction- I’ve actually been communicating with school, GP, CAHMS, social services, various support charities etc.

School safeguarding team are fully aware and the whole situation is stressful and unpleasant. I don’t think anyone believes the abuse allegations (they mainly refer to common parenting challenge situations which possibly could have been handled better in the moment - the latest allegation is he got shouted at after kicking my DP repeatedly under the table when he was little). DP & I have said we would welcome and cooperate with a full investigation if anyone thinks the allegations warrant it.

Communication from my ex is becoming increasingly abusive but I have held off reporting him because doing so risks pushing DS15 even further away just now. I communicate the bare essentials and don’t respond to his awful (mainly email) rants that he is now also sending to school. I’ve asked him for support with our son’s problems but his responses are typically angry and full of blame.

We finally go away on Saturday, I’m no longer excited or looking forward to it. I’ve sadly accepted that DS15 is not coming and, as much as I’d like to, I can’t/won’t force him because he’ll make everyone else miserable and I’d be accused of yet more ‘abuse’ - my other boys are beyond excited and no-one can understand why he’s refusing to come with us. I’ve informed social services of the situation and I’m confirming alternative arrangements for him as I’m concerned he’s going to attempt to stay home alone (neighbours are briefed and are watching the house).

Has anyone dealt with anything remotely like this? Is there any hope of it getting better as my only comfort just now is that the teen years are brutal and they eventually snap out of it.

Can you pinpoint what happened 2 years ago that caused a change in your sons behaviour? Is he willing to sit down with you and perhaps his dad and have an open conversation about his feelings?

I have been with my husband since my stepdaughter was 4, she's now 14 but did go through a stage between the ages 10/12 years of having a bit of an attitude with me. I dealt with it by taking a step back and letting her time here be more one on one with her dad. It also helped massively though that I get on very well with my stepdaughters mum who would pull her up on her behaviour. She's back to her normal self now and seems to have gotten over whatever her issue was.

It sounds like instead of helping the situation your ex husband is adding fuel to the fire. Could you not have a conversation with him, maybe go out and do it over a coffee so it's less likely to end in a screaming match.

During the first lockdown, like many, we stopped all movement between households for about 8 weeks but he then spent extended periods with his dad to make up the time - he is still angry at me for stopping him seeing his dad during this time even though they had regular calls etc.

There was a nasty bullying incident in Jan ‘22 and school handled it poorly initially which made things worse. He didn’t tell me because he was worried how I’d react but spoke to his dad a week later - the delay obviously made things worse. There’s still a lot of bullying related to this we’re trying to address.

No incidents of note within the family though.

I’m not speaking to my ex without a professional mediator or independent witness as he’s been so nasty lately and twists everything. He’s inexplicably even worse than when we split.

Why was your son worried about how he would react?

I find it ofd that you booked a holiday without first discussing with your teenager.

I’ve no idea - he felt ashamed and thought he’d be laughed at but the incident was truly horrific.

We’ve never involved the kids in our holiday planning because our budgets have been tight and our choices very limited. Travelling as a family of six isn’t easy. This has never struck me as odd though as it is what both our families did and my stepsons’ mum does the same.

In the nicest way possible perhaps you need a break from each other. Would he prefer to live with his dad but with a plan to rebuild your relationship, perhaps with the help of single or family therapy.
It sounds like this could be resolved a lot easier if you could get your ex on side.
In the meantime I'd explain to your son that you love him very much and would really prefer for him to join you on holiday but I wouldn't force him.

In the past few years he has become a teenager with associated hormones, gone through a pandemic, was prevented from seeing his father and been subjected to a horrific bullying incident. It is a heck of a lot for one person to process and he is clearly deeply traumatised. Do your step sons go to the same school or have they possibly teased him at all? He could be pushing them away with embarrassment. Then you agree there have been, at minimum, poor step parenting incidents and, in his words, abuse. You don't believe him on this and have made that clear.

I am not at all surprised he doesn't want to be on holiday with you and his step dad, or that he wants to be at his dad's more. Is he having any counselling or other help? Has he moved school to get away from the incident? He probably wants to get away from everything and his dad provides that. No perceived abuser step dad or three other children taking your attention away. He needs time, space and so much love.

I have a 15 year old and have a non blended family. It just isn't for me so that is the context of my response.

I would not go on the holiday. I would stay with the 15 year old and work on our relationship.

Something changed, and he didn't disclose to you. If you want a relationship then I would prioritise finding out what does he need. The family going away without him will become a different narrative from his father.

There is a tiny gap between him striking out on his own. I would want to know I tried everything. This is just what I would do I don't mean to tell you what you should do.

There must be more to his allegations of abuse than “being told off for kicking under the table”?

It does sound really hard, you’re absolutely right you can’t make him go.

These were my thoughts too. There's no way I could enjoy the holiday not knowing what was going on with him back at home, with neighbours 'briefed' in case he is there alone etc. Not a chance. It sounds very difficult with no easy option but I would take the opportunity to prioritise him and try and make some progress with the relationship. Not saying you haven't tried before but this is a rare opportunity with you off work and everyone else away to really make him the one and only focus.

This would be preferable to going away, being worried about him the whole time, him probably not messaging much/at all, getting back and finding his dad's been in his ear even more perhaps.

why can't he stay with his dad?

I agree with these two - take the opportunity for time with just you and your son. That might genuinely be the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here.

What I see is a teenage boy who has experience of a father with immature behaviour, a step father with immature behavior, his schoolmates immature behaviour. Also with his parents splitting, a blended family with three /half/brothers.
I guess his selfconfidence isnt very strong, while he possibly feels (unconsciously) guilty. I think he may be "shouting" he doesnt feel right in all this set up by saying he wont go on this holiday as he knows its a big thing to you.

I realise this is an incredible holiday and you are looking forward to it, but this is a wonderful opportunity to be on your own with him. Let Dad take other kids on holiday and stay home with your son and spend time together. They grow up so fast and soon he will be an adult

I also think you should forego the holiday and spend time alone with your son and find out what’s troubling him. This sounds like more than just teen angst.

The holiday was last August. Zombie thread.

I think your son has been through a lot. Issues with his dad, issues with the blended family, bullying, issues with his SD...it goes on and on and there's certainly things he's lying about or protecting you from. That's a lot for a boy his age to cope with. You are focused on the BIG HOLIDAY niw but really you need to focus on your boy.

Sack the holiday off. Take your lad on holiday, just the two of you, somewhere he'd like to go. Maybe he'll start talking more.

I am separated from my teenage girl's dad and I find she talks more without him being around. We strengthen our bond by hanging out, just the two of us. Maybe that's what he needs, a bit of exclusive attention.