Helping 15DD with confidence and friendships

[EdnaMole]

Wondering if others have any tips or words of wisdom for how to help DD. She is a friendly, funny clever girl and an only child but has never really “found her tribe” at secondary school and although she has a few close friends they never seem to make any contact with her in the holidays and I worry she’s on her own too much for days on end. She’s always very busy with school and hobbies in term time and always seems better with the “structured socialising” that that entails if you know what I mean, but she’s very shy and introverted when it comes to seeing those friends out of school..she does see one occasionally but isn’t keen to make contact with others. I’d say generally she gets on better with adults in some ways.
I think she feels that no one makes contact with her so why should she bother? She has one very close friend who she sees regularly but this friend always has lots going on in her life (extended family, other friends nearby etc) and it brings DD’s situation into even sharper contrast.
Shes had a tough few years as DH and I are on the heartbreaking Elderly Parents/Dementia merry go round and it’s very hard..I sometimes feel she gets left to her own devices as we are all so busy and stressed bless her.
I suppose what I’m asking is what advice can I give her about how to forge friendships (I do worry she comes across as aloof and standoffish sometimes but I think that’s because she’s so shy and stressed) and step out of her comfort zone and try to talk to/initiate social interaction with others.
Also any reassurances that you might be able to give that things do get better…I’ve heard that after GCSE’s /6th form they do find their tribe and social confidence a bit more.
I just feel rather sad and that I’ve failed her a bit. Would have loved siblings for her but that just didn’t happen..I’m an older mum and an only child myself. I don’t want to lecture her about the situation and make matters worse by being hideously intense..but what can I do and does it get better?
Thanks for reading.

If she’s fine with the amount of socialising that she does through hobbies etc, then leave her be. If she really is an introvert then spending time with people can be draining. She sounds like she’s doing just fine.

My DD is similar. I was very worried about her not meeting up with friends during the holidays etc but she seems perfectly content and happy in her own company.

I know she finds some social situations stressful and thats just her personality she has always been this way since a small child.

I dont know how to make it better or if it will improve. I let her know Im always here to talk listen & try encourage & support her to do what she enjoys eg baking, doing her nails etc

Having some structured hobby or activity over the summer might help. Is there any kind of sport or activity she might like? If there's anything she did when she was younger, might be worth seeing if they'd like her back at a volunteer to help help with the younger kids classes - that can be great for under-confident teens. Paid jobs are tricky at 15 (though not impossible), but much easier from 16 up - the supermarkets and many small shops will employ them. Jobs are great for giving you the opportunity to mix with a wider age range and not just other teens.
And yes, most teens find it much easier to find their tribe once they hit sixth form.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I do worry that I’m getting uptight over nothing and I should leave her be, but I just feel she ought to be out and about seeing people more for her own mental health rather than stewing in her own juice.
Her dad (who is actually better at these conversations than me) had a chat with her about “making the first move” when arranging things with friends and said to her it’s often the same when he’s arranging to meet his friends but it shouldn’t mean you don’t try. I think she’s just resigned herself to “this is the way it is” in the holidays but it feels like we fall off a cliff from super busy term time to this…

My dd was/is like this. She did very little in the summer hols last year and the yr before, before that was lockdown.

This year - she's now 18 - has been better. She's actually met up with friends a few times. And branched out and met new friends at 6th form.

Thinking back I did very little socially aged 15. I went to guides and that was my social life.

Can your dd suggest a cinema trip ?

Oh my, I don’t have any answers because our family is in a very similar situation. I’m here with empathy and for knowledge.

If she is happy I would leave her be.

I was like this as a teen and was made to feel bad that I wasn't socialising enough. It was not good for my self esteem. I was perfectly happy before.

It took me until my 40s to realise that I didn't need to force myself to do things socially that I didn't want to just because extroverts expected it of me.

Have you got a Rangers Girlguides for 14-18 yr olds near you.
I’m a Guide leader and our Rangers are a lovely group, several on the quirky or shy side.
They hang out, do crafts and cooking plus trips and volunteering.
So socialising with structure.
Think about yr 12 options. Mines at an academic 6th form and there’s a lot of shy geeky ones, the fe college seems to attract a different type.

Other thing for confidence is a job. Little cafes and shops may recruit under 16. Just a few hours, earning money and being good at something can give them a massive boost. Chains tend to want 16 plus.
Mine’s an only and has a pt job in McDonalds alongside A levels and it’s honestly done her world of good interacting with people.

Thank you all.
DD does do a few Rangers/Guides activities and enjoys some of them (she had to give up Guides a couple of years ago as it clashed with a dance class she loves, but the Leader is lovely and lets her come along to some camps and trips) Some she has enjoyed and others not so much, but again they tend to be in term time (or at least in the shorter holidays)
She has a Saturday job helping with dance classes too and loves that but it’s term time too.
She had a friend over yesterday and that went well, but when I suggested reaching out to some other friends (as casually as I could) I was met with harrumphing and huffing.
I’m vacillating between leaving her be and thinking I’m making something out of nothing and worrying that she lacks social skill and the ability to make and sustain friendships…which makes me feel guilty, did I miss a step somewhere when she was little?
I know some people (some of her close friends included) have way more serious and scary problems going on in their lives but I do feel like I’m beginning to realise dislike the six week holidays!

You have perfectly described my dd…right down to the “they never message me which means they don’t want me to message them” vibe! She’s convinced that even if she does message and they reply it’s just them being polite!!

She doesn’t mind going out with me, but gets very nervous and jumpy in case she sees anyone she knows if we are very local!
She is an only child, (not by choice) and so was I…I have memories of being a bit lonely as a teenager and I guess I’m probably guilty of projecting on to her.

Hi OP I have a similar scenario here . My DS has seen no one since school finished at all, I don’t think he will till he does some sports sessions in a couple of weeks .He is not unhappy and hangs out with people when at school . I helped a lot with organising meet ups till he turned 14 , but it became obvious that the other kids didn’t need help and would have found anything being mum organised odd. For whatever reason he just has not moved to anything less superficial so far as friends go . He has a brother so he does spend the odd bit of time with him .. when he’s home anyway .DS2 is out at every opportunity- they couldn’t be more different. Anyway no advice but wanted to add to the it’s not just her posts!

She sounds like she has a busy life in term time, hobbies and job so if she’s otherwise ok I’d back off a bit.
Mine likes time on her own (as do I)
Plan some trips out together.
Maybe suggest she asks a friend to some trips but if not then just two of you go.
For next summer which will be longer I’d encourage looking for a new job. Something like helping at a dance holiday club would be ideal.

I wasn't great at making friends and the ones I did have always had better other friends.

I guess let her know that everybody struggles with different things, nobody has it as rosy as it can seem. And that you are always there for her to talk to. What else can you do only be a friend when she needs one? I guess, wonderful as my mother is, I always wished she had found it easier to be my friend in those hard teen years. Good luck!

I could have written this myself, dd just fallen out with longstanding bunch of friends as she was struggling with the 'group' getting bigger, so now feels she is starting again at school, no close friends she can message for a meet up.
She does have friends from dance who she is having over for a sleepover at weekend.
It's so hard to decide what to do for the best for them isn't it.

DD2 also not doing much with friends, and frustratingly turned down a job she had a trial for, and missed the boat on a couple of others, which I think she regrets now as she's not doing much. Maybe it's me that finds that more frustrating than her, as I'm not sure how she's going to occupy her time for the next four weeks! She had a p-t job last year and it gave her a boost.

My youngest daughter is exactly the same, I was thinking of getting her some counselling as she does say she gets very anxious in social settings, I think it all comes down to confidence.

I don't think me worrying about her is helping either as she can pick up on it.

It's bloody hard being a parent, plus things are so different to when I was a teenager !