Underage sex - supporting DD with police

[Toomanyhats88]

Last year, my DD (then 15) was in a relationship for a year with her boyfriend. We found out in October that they had both lied about their ages. She told us he was 16 (he was a few months off 18) and they told his parents she was nearly 17 when she actually about to turn 15.

We all found out and had a very challenging month as his mum was adamant that they broke up but her son refused. I felt this would make them more determined to be together so suggested more communication and rules that we all agreed on. His mother ended up breaking up with my DD by sending me a text after removing his phone. This was really hard for my DD as he had a new girlfriend by the end of the week.

My DD had a lot of support from me, her friends and her school. One evening during this time she told me that they had slept together. I checked that they had been safe and thanked her for confiding in me. We also had a conversation about consent and even though she said she had been ready and wanted to do it, I explained that she was still underage and can’t legally consent.

Now a year later, she is in a much better place and has a lovely boyfriend who is her age. This morning, the police arrived at my door and they had an anonymous call about the ex boyfriend and want to talk to my daughter as legally this is rape. The police told me the caller is concerned the ex boyfriend may go one to do this to other young girls (although his current girlfriend is 18). I haven’t said anything to the police yet as my daughter was asleep so they took my number and left.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to advise my daughter or what information I should share.

Should I just follow her lead and only share what I know if she wants to share with them?

Should I tell the police what I know regardless of what she shares?

Also, a very small part of my feels bad for the ex boyfriend. I know he has to face the consequences of his actions but I don’t get the sense he is a predator who would repeat this behaviour. For perspective, I am a victim of SA and was groomed and abused by a man in his 40s when I was younger than my DD is now so I’m not naive to this but feel it is a very different circumstance.

It is extremely unlikely that u18 and a 15yo would be prosecuted.

For the police to be following this up at all suggests that there are further factors that the police have not disclosed to you.

The police will be back - what they are doing is pretty unusual. So they will want to speak to your DD, who will need to be truthful. Would she find this easier if someone other than a parent was the responsible adult? For example the "we only did it once" may well not be the whole truth, and she might be very worried about disclosing what really happened in front of you

Why did the police say it was legally rape? If she consented, even at 14, it wasn't rape. Were they real police?

I think there's more to it than you know for the police to be involved.

If your daughter is grown up enough to have sex she's grown up enough to have a conversation with a police officer. You could ask for it to be a female officer or the one that visits her school so that she is familiar with them.

It is statutory rape, because the daughter isn't at the age where she can legally consent.

I think they were likely to be genuine (!) but the details suggests there's a range of issues excluding the op's daughter. I would speak to her and just explain the situation.

It is statutory rape, because the daughter isn't at the age where she can legally consent.

This bull always gets wheeled out. There is no such crime as statutory rape in any part of the UK.

Sex with someone under 13 is regarded as rape because they are not regarded as old enough to fully consent. But that charge is sex with a minor under 13, not statutory rape.

And obviously in OP's case she was 14, having consensual sex with the 17 year old she was in a relationship with.

Slightly off the topic, but why on earth didn't you go and wake her up? Slightly boggling at the chutzpah of sending the police away because a teenager is asleep.

In all parts of the UK, any sexual activity between an adult and a child (ie, anyone under 16) is illegal. Even sex between two children is illegal. This is laid down in the Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009. Not sure whether there is a specific offence called statutory rape, but the act is illegal whatever it is called.

@Toomanyhats88

A year (or more) later, how does DD feel about her sexual activity with bf1?

Does she still think she fully gave consent or does she now feel she was coerced into it. I think that makes a big difference.

I can understand you both (??) protecting him if it was genuine, non coerced, consent (even though she was legally too young to consent). But I think the long run, telling the truth is the best option. Not because it's the morally correct thing to do, but because you don't know the full story & he might have pressured another under age girl to have sex with him & the person reporting could be his mother, seeing him going down a bad path & needing help to get him sorted... who knows?

So I think the bare truth is best.

I hope it all works out ok for everyone involved.

at her age my bf was older than me by a few years, he was fine with 'waiting'. It was me that wanted to 'do it'. I think I was 16 & about 2 mins old when we did 😂.

15 and 17

The police wouldn't be following this up, unless there was some other factor that OP hasn't mentioned (and indeed might not be aware of)

There is no offence of statutory rape, and the cut off for strict liability is 13. There is no intention to criminalise (possibly enthusiastically) consenting older teens, provided they are near each other in age (ie older one is u18). This assumes OP is in England or Wales.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

i did think they same, BUT, when
I stopped to think about it, it was good to make some time to let her wake up properly and have time to talk to her before the police start lobbing questions at her.

Exactly this. I think there’s a lot for her to process and to think about how she wants to move forwards with it. DD talks to me a lot and I think she’d want to do that first

I'd be concerned about the police (incorrectly) framing it as rape. That could well be devastating for her MH to (again probably incorrectly) begin to regard herself as a rape victim.

This is very complex. I agree that you shouldn't move forward without listening to her very carefully. There is danger to her mental health in any of the possible 'constructions' that you and/or others could put on her in this situation - whether that be rape victim; active and therefore at least nominally criminal participant in an unlawful sexual act; or enthusiastic partner in a sexual relationship of equals which turns out to be nothing of the kind.

I think also you should ask the police to lay out possible outcomes for both herself and the ex-boyfriend so that you can fairly advise her. She should know, too, if evidence will be coming from others and not just her - if you put it like that, rather than asking them to explain what's going on, they're more likely to help ( you might have to listen carefully for signalling from them). If it sounds as though there is more to this than you thought, ask whether any support is available to her during and after the interview.

I think what @titchy says is worth giving thought to - I don't know her as a poster but assuming that she's not a massive MRA, she's right. It would damage your daughter if you push her into the role of passive victim if she isn't - either by tiptoeing around her or by taking a brusque 'oh well, this is how it is for girls, chalk it up to experience and move on' position. A false narrative that she has been victimised or abused will be just as damaging as a false denial.