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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sleep out of kilter

29 replies

DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 08:00

Hi. My 16yo son has turned nocturnal - stays up until 4/5am and then it’s a struggle to get him out of bed before midday - if we are very lucky.

I’ve been trying to get him out of bed early to try and reset his body clock but he’s not having it. Not helped by me finding him eating a meal at 1am sometimes.

it’s making me tired too because I’m a light sleeper!

He’s very oppositional at the moment so it’s difficult but we need to sort this out before school in September! Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Menopausecrazy · 27/07/2023 08:46

I don’t know but following as my son of 16 is the same.

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 09:21

When he’s conscious he acknowledges it’s a problem but he doesn’t seem to have the willpower to fix it

OP posts:
Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 09:22

sorry to hear mines not the only one!

OP posts:
continentallentil · 27/07/2023 09:25

look it up but teens’ body clocks naturally tell them to go to bed late and sleep late. I think some US high schools have changed hours because of this.

Yours is quite extreme, but do some reading on it so you can work on a compromise, which probably won’t be as early as you’d like.

No one knows exactly why - maybe just hormones, but there is a theory that it’s because teens need to separate from the tribe before they can come back as adults.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/07/2023 09:27

Pretty sure this is what teens do.
I used to sleep on bed until mid day or later and be so pissed off if my dad tried to wake me up. For what? Just because that's the done thing but there were no plans that day. Ridiculous

Let him crack on but tell him to keep the noise down at the very least.

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 09:29

My issue is that he was late for school and even for some of his formal exams - I can’t expect him to suddenly get up on time for school on day 1 and I’m trying to find a way to help him before we end up in that negative cycle again.

he arranged to meet his friends the other day and missed it because he got out of bed too late and was then upset about it.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/07/2023 09:31

Well, his lack of actions will have consequences for himself then, won't they?

Give him an alarm clock and set it up at the other side of his room

ManchesterLu · 27/07/2023 09:32

The rule in our house was that you could sleep and wake whenever you liked, so long as you did your chores, got out of the house at least once a day, and kept quiet at night.

If he's keeping you awake, that's a deal breaker.

Staying up late and sleeping in is pretty much what the summer holidays are for.

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 09:36

He is immature for his age (he’s ND) and he doesn’t really get consequences unfortunately. That’s why I’m trying to help him.

alarm clocks, me waking him etc don’t work - when he’s tired he will only sleep.

i don’t mind in the holidays of course but he starts a new school in September and I really don’t want his starting on the wrong foot.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 27/07/2023 09:39

Sept is a long way off ... I'd let him do what he wants for now and address it mid/end August.

ChocHotolate · 27/07/2023 09:41

If he's staying up until 4-5am, is he on devices / gaming? I wonder if he would go to sleep earlier if you took the internet router to bed with you? If he is bored he might go to sleep earlier? Although, as others have mentioned, teens body clocks do naturally shift but I do agree, yours does seem extreme

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 09:43

His data and wifi are switched off at 11. I have no idea what he is doing so late.

it was a nightmare last term with school and exams and I just need one less thing on my plate

OP posts:
YarisKaris · 27/07/2023 09:58

Same here op with asd/adhd mixed in so they find it hard to sleep at the best of times

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/07/2023 10:10

Well first of all you should probably figure out what he is doing if all internet access is gone. Is he playing a game on his pc?
I think if you start it now and make him go to bed ten mins earlier every night, come September it'll be a normal time for bed

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 11:04

Well when I’ve seen him he’s eating or reading. But as I’m asleep most of the time it’s tricky!

he definitely struggles to fall asleep which can’t help - but once he’s asleep there’s no waking him.

I'm naturally nocturnal so I get it but I have always sorted myself out when I need to be somewhere or do something. He seems incapable of understanding that he needs to be placed on time and that missing a flight (for eg) is a big deal. I guess that is another issue

OP posts:
KaPowOwl · 27/07/2023 11:12

My 16.5 year old is similar and it's a recent thing - I used to be firmer with a bedtime when he was 15 last year

He finished his GCSEs in June so he's got into a pattern of going to sleep at 2-3am and waking up at lunch time

I'd prefer it if he didnt but once September comes and he's back at college - his body clock will reset again.

In the meantime, I start making some noise at about 12 so he doesn't spend all day in bed and he's currently job searching too for a part time job so that will help as well

Mine chats to mates (they're all the same really!), watches Netflix, plays his Xbox - whatever. As long as I don't hear him and he doesn't disturb me and I know he's safe ... then it's fine for the holidays

With yours, I'd insist on being quiet and not be too concerned if he was reading or talking to friends

Tiredbehyondbelief · 27/07/2023 11:18

I would bribe him if you can afford it

Tiredbehyondbelief · 27/07/2023 11:24

Further to earlier message... I would also talk to school to see what might have caused him to lose motivation to get up and go to school- relationship breakdown, bullying, undiagnosed dyslexia etc. I would definitely talk to school and ask for their input. It would also be good for them to know that you actually care about his exams and attendance - many parents don't. It sounds like you have a lot on your place already - however the teenage years are always a challenge for every parent so you are not alone.

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 11:27

He’s starting a new school in September - old school but of a disaster with the ND. Problem is that he is now in a negative mindset about school

bribery doesn’t work - he wants nothing!

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Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 11:28

Should say new school should be much better with his issues but he feels like school is gain at him and I’m worried that will translate to new school

OP posts:
wishmyhousetidy · 27/07/2023 17:14

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/07/2023 10:10

Well first of all you should probably figure out what he is doing if all internet access is gone. Is he playing a game on his pc?
I think if you start it now and make him go to bed ten mins earlier every night, come September it'll be a normal time for bed

You can’t make a 16 yr old go to bed 10 mins earlier every night - they just won’t do it.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/07/2023 19:00

wishmyhousetidy · 27/07/2023 17:14

You can’t make a 16 yr old go to bed 10 mins earlier every night - they just won’t do it.

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Well it sounded like the boy does acknowledge a problem so by saying ten minutes rather than an hour or two in one go it may actually work! Was just a suggestion!

cocksstrideintheevening · 27/07/2023 19:35

It's a teen thing. Don't bother fighting it it won't work. As long as he can get up and out for school in September let it go.

Original poster
DesperateADHDMum · 27/07/2023 19:39

That’s the problem - we’ve spent the last 6 months trying to get him up for school and he’s been persistently late. We tried everything including just leaving him to it and he was turning up late - even to exams.

I just don’t want him to blow it at his new school

OP posts:
wishmyhousetidy · 27/07/2023 19:39

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/07/2023 19:00

Well it sounded like the boy does acknowledge a problem so by saying ten minutes rather than an hour or two in one go it may actually work! Was just a suggestion!

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Yes you are right it probably is worth a try, I just have a teen daughter with ADHD and I have just become jaded as she ignores every single piece of well-being advice I give her- I have just become jaded. Apologies:)