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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Personal care

16 replies

hazzamazza70 · 26/07/2023 19:40

My 14yr old is a mess!

I have heard from mental health professionals that's they have missed out on socialising which is a crucial stage of development during puberty due to Covid.

My daughter will not go out, barely leaves her room. Is rude when she does or causes trouble with her siblings. Does little to nothing round the house or to help.

She also has a complete lack of self care. She eats really badly, everyday day comes in and there's something else she no longer eats but nothings added unless it's sweets. She has put on weight, she does some exercise and clubs. She has a food (sweets/junk) obsession, and having had a look in her room there was rubbish in every drawer and bag. You can't see her floor for clothes, her wardrobe smells as she kicks her dirty clothes (inc period pants) in with clean. Claims she doesn't have room to hang things but her wardrobes are full of the last couple of years clothes which she won't sort out. She has no interest in make up or making the best of herself. She's really bright and seems to have friends at school but they don't come home and she doesn't join in with them unless it's a birthday.

I just don't know what to do with her it makes me so sad that she has the potential to be amazing and is wasting these precious years stuck in her room on her iPad. How can I get her to look after herself and her surroundings.

OP posts:

Menopausecrazy · 28/07/2023 18:51

Can you not do a proper clean up of her room and sort out her clothes. Perhaps it has become too much in her mind to sort out. I still have to tidy both my teens room out regularly. They should do it themselves but they do appreciate it once it’s done

minidancer · 28/07/2023 19:19

I have to sort my daughters clothes out for her, it's too overwhelming for her. Which I understand. We did it together today. Has she got done where to put dirty washing/period pants etc? Could you take her and a friend shopping and sit and have a coffee. It's hard at that age to arrange things that actually happen as parents still plan things for their kids.

incognito50me · 28/07/2023 21:17

I also help sort out my daughter's clothes with her - it is overwhelming. We do it about every 8-10 months.

Bumdrops · 28/07/2023 21:52

I help my dd 15 keep on top of her room
with school / clubs etc life can get overwhelming and I think it’s ok to help / support to keep on top of things

Original poster

hazzamazza70 · 28/07/2023 21:55

I do dust and hoover but she gets cross if
I 'go through' her things

OP posts:

TheOutlaws · 28/07/2023 22:19

Do school have any concerns?

I’m a teacher and know lots of girls like your daughter. Most of them are neurodivergent (ASD/ADHD). They’re all academically bright, but hygiene/organisation/friendships/home life are all a massive issue for them.

Original poster

hazzamazza70 · 28/07/2023 22:57

No concerns from school - she is doing very well - everything's on time. She has just spent the last week on a sports course with an nct friend and they've had a lovely time - there seem to be only 2 friends she's willing to spend significant amounts of time with, both friends for a very long time.
I do offer to help with her room and have taken her shopping for ideas but She's so rude and won't input or be interested when we go it seems pointless

OP posts:

RuthTopp · 28/07/2023 23:05

Is her hair clean / showering daily / teeth cleaned etc ?
Could she be depressed ?

TheOutlaws · 29/07/2023 07:29

@hazzamazza70

Neurodivergent girls tend to mask in school and fall apart at home. Lots of the girls I work with need extended time in their room/on their devices in order to calm down after the sensory whirl of their day at school. Additionally, if they’re in their room, then they’re not falling out with the siblings/parents. They also struggle to connect with more than one or two friends, because the social rules are too complicated. Hygiene is an issue because showers are a sensory nightmare, and their executive dysfunction means that they find it difficult to prioritise self-care (even if they’re very academically able).

None of this might apply to your DD, but due to the scenarios you describe, it might be worth investigating.

Original poster

hazzamazza70 · 29/07/2023 11:44

Thanks - she does shower and spends a long time in it! She washes her hair after swimming a couple times a week.

We are trying to pack for holiday so I have been in today and offered to help her go through her stuff or happy to do it for her if it's too much. Told her I just want to make her room somewhere she's proud of and comfortable in but just get told where to go. Although she has tried on some clothes and shown them to me which is good and I asked her to put aside any that didn't fit or didn't like for me to take away so who knows if she'll do it

OP posts:

Original poster

hazzamazza70 · 29/07/2023 11:47

I think depression is more likely than neurodivergent - she seems very like me at my age which is hard to say. I'm happy now but my parents were very selfish and although provided financially - didn't emotionally so I know I'm a long way from perfect as a parent but my husband and our relationship is nothing like my parents were so was hoping she have better teenage years!

OP posts:

whatabeautifulwedding · 29/07/2023 11:53

Sounds like quite a few teens I know if this age including my own. Especially the rudeness. We just shrug it off as I know it won't last forever.
She doesn't need to have an interest in make up - a lot of girls don't.
As long as she is keeping herself clean (hair, teeth etc)
The only issue I'd pick up on is the dirty clothes. Put a washing basket in her room if she doesn't already have one. She might be embarrassed putting period pants in with the general washing.
Agree with pps that it might have just all got too overwhelming for her to tidy up. Maybe give her a hand to do it. I guarantee she'll feel a lot better once it's done.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/07/2023 12:00

I go through my DD’s clothes every 6 months with her, and we have a big sort out of her room. Keeps on top of the mess.

I think you are expecting too much

SportyMumOf2 · 03/08/2023 22:44

Can you not make a day of it go and buy candles that make her room smell nice, clean up and make it fun so she doesn’t get mad.

Duchessofspace · 03/08/2023 22:47

Do it for her with warning but non negotiable
eg we are going through your wardrobe today piles for charity, piles to fix and piles to give away.
clothes
then books
then desk
then floor
then cosmetic stuff eg fairy lights

it is getting started and they fact it is depressing

the difference mentally after will be huge

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 22:54

TBH covid or not this is not THAT unusual at 14. She probably is a bit depressed but it’s a very confusing time, your brain is all over the place. I was pretty much like this.

I think you have to be careful not to romanticise this age - being 17 is often fun, being 14 is often not. Also remember she is not an adult - she doesn’t worry about being ‘proud’ of her room, her mind is a hormonal mess.

I would do some reading on teens and their brains - they are not rational beings in many ways.

In terms of tidying up, lower your standards and use bribery - make whatever she wants conditional. But start small - like a bin for her period pants. If she doesn’t have a laundry basket in her room give her one.

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